The Onion

“Mark our words, the European Union will spare no effort in ensuring that Putin experiences absolutely no repercussions for the outrageous death of a key opposition leader,” said European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen.

This part, even though from the same article, is true…

At press time, the U.S. House of Representatives had reacted in solidarity to the statement with an arms bill guaranteeing $0 of aid to the Ukrainian military.

Sorry for mixing real NON-ONION news in here — I know you're all easily confused to begin with — but…

From the Michigan Advance article: Death of Russian dissident raises stakes for U.S. aid to Ukraine, Biden warns…

[…]the U.S. House adjourned Thursday for a President’s Day recess without acting on aid.[…] House members are scheduled to return Feb. 28.

“It’s about time they step up, don’t you think? Instead of going on a two-week vacation?” Biden told reporters. “Two weeks. What are they thinking? My God, this is bizarre. And it’s just reinforcing all the concern, and almost — I won’t say panic, but real concern about the United States being a reliable ally. This is outrageous.”

Life once again imitates art. -- r^2^

read more: https://www.theonion.com/days-of-whine-and-roses-1851261688

read more: https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/game-freak-lays-off-300-pokemon/

“One local man seeking the free Christian foot wash advertised during the Super Bowl this last weekend walked away from Seattle’s St. James Cathedral absolutely confused tonight after they said the best they could offer him is smudging black ash on his forehead.“

read more: https://www.theonion.com/coughing-baby-aimed-at-enemy-1851243497

read more: https://reductress.com/post/study-finds-whatever-your-landlord-is-doing-is-probably-illegal/

read more: https://reductress.com/post/report-cat-doesnt-hate-guests-it-hates-how-fake-you-act-around-other-people/

read more: https://reductress.com/post/remote-work-is-hurting-company-culture-says-ceo-after-3rd-round-of-layoffs/

read more: https://reductress.com/post/woman-unsure-if-pain-in-leg-just-cramp-or-life-threatening-blood-clot-from-birth-control/

LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal musician, and noted septuagenarian, Ozzy Osbourne broke new ground when he became the first old white man to complain about a rap song and actually be on the right side of history.

“This is the first time we’ve ever seen a person of Ozzy’s age, wealth status, and complexion complain about a rap song or artist and actually be correct. Especially when they say it in an all-caps Tweet,” said music scholar Aiden Lawrence

read more: https://www.theonion.com/by-george-they-did-it-1851242066

read more: https://www.theonion.com/mortician-reheats-mug-of-coffee-in-corner-of-oven-durin-1851239112