The Onion

A man who is a staunch believer in free speech after spending the last four years bemoaning cancel culture, is now up to three boycotts a week because of people saying things he didn’t like.

“Prime Minister Trudeau and I don’t agree on much, but we do agree that Canada is not for sale to foreign governments,” opposition leader Pierre Poilievre said. “Canada is now, and has always been, for sale to mining companies, agricultural conglomerates, and the American hedge funds who own most of our news media.”

Joe Biden’s son Hunter has officially withdrawn from the race to become President of the United States following his felony conviction for gun offences.

Many right-wing commentators have long speculated what a felony conviction for Hunter Biden could mean for the political prospects of the Biden family, and Hunter has spoken publicly to put an end to all such speculation.

He told reporters, “Although I plan to appeal, I respect the judicial processes in the country, and the rule of law, and as such, I think it would bring shame on this great nation to have a convicted felon running for President – which is why today I announce that I have no intention of running for President, or any office for that matter.

“It would make a mockery of our democracy if I were to try and become President having just been judged to be a felon by a jury of my peers. How would we look on the world stage? I would have zero credibility outside of my own crazy supporters. That is no way to lead a nation.

“No, that can not happen – and I don’t care if this puts an end to my own personal political ambitions, I must do what is right for this country. And that means reluctantly stepping away from frontline politics.

“My father, of course, will continue his career in politics, because he’s not a felon, and only ill-informed imbeciles will blame him for the actions of his son.”

“Remember to vote in November!”

In a scene not too uncommon in today’s world, local dad Alan Devlin reassured his high school son, Keith, with an enthusiastic “You got this!” to cover for having absolutely no idea how to help him with his Algebra homework.

Keith, a sophomore at Quadratic High, initially welcomed his dad’s encouragement. “At first, I thought he was just trying to boost my confidence,” Keith said. "But then I realized he had absolutely no clue what he was talking about when he started using phrases like “x equals whatever you want it to be” and “Try dividing by zero.”

Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com

Santa Clara, CA — In a move that's already sending shockwaves through the tech industry, Nvidia announced today that it will be rebranding to "Nvidai" to better reflect its integral role in the artificial intelligence (AI) revolution.

"We've been at the forefront of AI development for years," said Jensen Huang, CEO of the newly christened Nvidai, in a press conference that featured holographic projections of the company’s latest AI models. "It's only fitting that our name reflects our commitment to this groundbreaking technology. Plus, it sounds cooler."

The change comes as Nvidai continues to dominate the AI hardware market with its state-of-the-art GPUs, which have become essential for training and deploying complex machine learning models. "Frankly, we're tired of people thinking our name is just a clever abbreviation for 'Nifty Video Interface, Duh,'" Huang quipped. "It's time to set the record straight."

Reactions from the tech community have been mixed. Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, tweeted, "Great move by Nvidai. Now they just need to change 'GeForce' to 'AIForce' and they'll be set. #brandinggenius." Meanwhile, Intel's CEO was reportedly seen scribbling potential new names for his company, including "IntellAI" and "InteLLigence."

Despite the excitement, the rebranding effort has not been without its challenges. Early reports indicate that the transition has caused some confusion among consumers. One Twitter user lamented, "Just bought a brand new 'Nvidai' graphics card, and now my rig won't stop trying to pass the Turing Test. Send help."

However, Huang remains optimistic. "This is just the beginning," he said, hinting at future product lines that will feature AI-enhanced everything—from gaming experiences that adapt in real-time to your skill level, to AI-powered GPUs that can predict the stock market. "We're not just Nvidia anymore. We're NvidAI. The future is here, and it's got a neural network."

As the company embarks on this new chapter, tech enthusiasts worldwide are left to ponder one pressing question: how do you even pronounce "Nvidai"?

In a completely unsurprising story out of Manhattan, NY, the words “money isn’t everything” were just spoken at brunch by someone who, conveniently, has lots of it.