The Onion

WASHINGTON—Stating that it was as easy to prepare 330 million helpings as one, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that he was reheating chili if anyone was interested. “I’m going to pop some chili into the microwave in a minute or so if anyone wants some,” said Biden, who raised his eyebrows as he gestured emphatically at the large container of leftover meat and beans and repeated “anyone want in on this?” “It smells good. I bet it tastes good, too. It’s from Tuesday, but it should still be good. Better, even. It gives the flavors time to mingle. Alright, last chance if anyone wants any. You’ll need to get past security to get into the White House, but I can arrange that.” At press time, Biden was attempting to entice the nation by shaking a bag of oyster crackers.

link: https://www.theonion.com/biden-announces-he-s-reheating-chili-if-anyone-s-intere-1851174872

HAMPTON BEACH, NH—Greeting the video with a mixture of mild consternation and resigned acceptance, Republican voters across the nation reportedly shrugged Monday and said there was really nothing you could do after footage of Donald Trump molesting a deer emerged. “Look, did I personally want or expect to see this video of Trump wetly kissing a doe on the cheek and reaching for her groin—no, obviously not—but what am I supposed to do now? Stop supporting the guy?” said New Hampshire voter Anthony Palmieri, one of millions of Trump supporters who appeared unfazed and responded, “Basically, it is what it is,” after watching the 93-second video of the former president slapping a female deer’s rear end and asking if what he was doing turned her on. “I’ve been on the Trump train for almost nine years now. I’ve been through so much already. No, I didn’t need to see Trump’s arm disappearing inside a deer’s body. And I can’t really cobble together an explanation for what he was doing sticking his tongue in her ear. I guess I could say this is just something that would happen in a locker room? Or that the media made it up? Yeah, I guess I’ll go with that.” At press time, an increasingly confident Palmieri went on to stress that no one was even considering all the woodland animals President Joe Biden had probably molested.

UVALDE, TX—Nearly two years after the tragic mass shooting left 19 children and two teachers dead, a Justice Department report released Thursday found Uvalde police waited nearly 77 minutes to enter Robb Elementary School as they debated the many reasons gunshots could be going off in a classroom. “Our findings suggest Uvalde police officers spent one hour and 17 minutes in the parking lot brainstorming all the possibilities for why semi-automatic gunfire was issuing from within the school,” the report read in part, describing how the police huddled together, discussed why there was probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for gunfire emanating from an elementary school, and spent well over an hour listing off dozens of sources that could produce a similar sound, including a “hoodlum throwing firecrackers,” heavy books dropping on the floor, someone playing a video game “like Call Of Duty” on their laptop, or even a music teacher playing early ’90s gangsta rap. “At one point, the Uvalde school police chief [Pete Arredondo] appears to have prevented a few concerned officers from approaching the school, insisting they ‘hadn’t gotten to the bottom of this stuff yet’ and urging them to look up ‘mysterious gunshot-like noises’ on Google. That’s when they came up with the idea that the shots might have simply been someone beatboxing, which they got really excited about for 20 minutes.” The report also confirmed that police officers spent an additional half hour discussing how the screaming was probably nothing to be worried about because children that age tend to scream about everything.

DES MOINES, IA—After she was awakened by a number of strange sounds emanating from the house, local parents Peter and Margaret Lohan reportedly assured their frightened 7-year-old on Tuesday that the creaking noises from her bedroom walls were probably just signs the house was getting hungry. “Don’t worry, honey—those are perfectly normal sounds that houses make when they haven’t eaten in a while and have a deep, powerful craving, usually for human flesh,” said Peter Lohan, who as the gurgling and groaning noises grew louder told his daughter Emily to try to ignore the sounds of the heating vents screaming “Feed me, feed me” and go back to bed. “Older houses like this need to be appeased with a blood sacrifice every couple days or the whole structure starts to get cranky. But don’t worry, I keep a bunch of skinned raccoons in the cellar for exactly this reason. Once it feasts, it’ll calm right down. This just comes with the territory when you live in a house where many generations have lived and died, leaving their tortured spirits behind to haunt the rooms for all eternity.” At press time, sources confirmed a face had emerged from the bedroom wall to thank the Lohans for the scrumptious meal.

read more: https://www.theonion.com/creaking-noise-from-walls-probably-just-house-getting-h-1851164151

link: https://www.theonion.com/man-keeps-squirt-of-ky-jelly-in-his-wallet-in-case-he-g-1851163900

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