The Onion

Matthew Benavides, vice president of marketing for Peacock, says the strategy for releasing “Five Nights at Freddy’s” in both theaters and on the streaming platform came down to one thing: no one uses Peacock, and even Peacock subscribers forget they subscribed to it.

My friends, everybody has their down days, and during these long winter months it is especially easy to succumb to the doldrums and find yourself in a bit of a funk. But not to fear! I have a simple tip that’s guaranteed to pick you up and get you back in good spirits in no time, and here it is: Whenever you’re…

In a free press, journalists must expose the truth even if it upsets those in power. Our work often leads to significant backlash, and we at The Onion are no strangers to receiving threats of legal action. While we generally dismiss them as the baseless accusations they are, we recently found an old cease-and-desist letter from the president’s personal attorney that has caused us to reexamine this policy.

“It is repugnant to demand that Israel cease hostilities when there are still hundreds, if not thousands, of surgeons, oncologists, and pediatricians lurking within Gaza,”

INDIGO PLATEAU — An independent investigation has confirmed that high-level administrators at the Pokémon League conspired to suppress research that showed Pokémon battling could lead to long-term neurological trauma.

“It is clear that the league intentionally directed internal teams not to pursue research that could hurt the popularity of their sport,” said Pallet Town’s Professor Oak at a press conference. “They also had a chilling effect on independent scientists by threatening legal action and offering bribes, both direct and indirect. My colleague Professor Kukui recently finished a paper showing that successive critical hits have a compounding effect on a Pokémon’s cognitive ability. Then the league approached him with an offer to expand into Alola. That paper was never published.”

Pokémon League representatives deny the report’s claims.

“The health of our trainers’ Pokémon is and always has been our primary concern,” said Charles Goodshow, head of the league’s competition committee. “Why do you think we set up all those Pokémon centers around the world? Do you think it’s cheap to support a vast network of free healthcare facilities that instantly heal all of a Pokémon’s physical wounds so that they can get right back into the fight? Of course it isn’t, but it’s a price we’re willing to pay so that the show can go on.”

Many trainers across the world were both unsurprised and unconcerned with the findings in the report.

“It seems pretty obvious to me that some of these moves would have lasting effects,” said Ethan Silver, a champion trainer from the Johto region. “Even things like Headbutt would clearly be a concussion risk, and that’s to say nothing of moves where Pokémon wield immense elemental powers as though they were gods. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, though. These creatures may be shortening their lives, but they’re trading that for a chance to be immortalized in the Pokémon League Hall of Fame. That seems worth the risk to me.”

At press time, newly released television ratings for the Pokémon League showed that the report had no effect on viewership.

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/report-pokemon-league-suppressed-concussion-research/

GAZA CITY — Israel’s Defense Minister Yoav Gallant defended the continued bombing of Palestinian civilians by asserting Hamas leaders are hiding inside the local children, United States intelligence confirmed.

“It is our firm belief that the intricate tunnel systems Hamas used to launch a surprise attack on Israel run through most of the children in Gaza. And we know the Hamas leaders are currently hiding inside children as young as nine months old,” said Gallant. “We will continue our targeted attacks to flush out Hamas and bring them to justice. We will bomb every ‘safe evacuation route,’ refugee camp, and hospital in order to get it done. Also, any so-called humanitarian aid sent to feed these children will be considered an act of war against Israel and its number one ally and supporter the United States.”

Palestinian journalist Emad Saleh says the current assault on Gaza is the most devastating yet.

“There is nothing left. Buildings are flattened, there is no way to communicate with the outside world, and all food and water are being diverted away. Everyone here is being exterminated,” said Saleh. “We’ve tried to ask for help, but the world doesn’t care. People are trying to evacuate, but the roads out of the city are being blockaded and bombed. I’m not sure if the IDF has succeeded in killing any Hamas militants, but they are doing a great job taking out women and children.”

Comedian Amy Schumer continues to vocally support Israel’s attempt at genocide.

“So many people are saying Israel is bombing Gaza without doing their own research. From what I’ve seen it looks like Hamas built those fighter jets and tanks themselves and are bombing their own people,” said Schumer. “I think we can all agree we want this conflict to end as soon as possible, but the best case scenario would be a peaceful end that includes the West Bank being blown off the map. I’m just glad my tax dollars are finally going towards a righteous cause and I urge Joe Biden to send more weapons to Israel.”

At press time, Israeli officials admitted that they have not found any Hamas militants inside of any blown up children yet, but will keep trying.

link: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/israeli-defense-minister-defends-decision-to-bomb-civilians-by-claiming-hamas-leaders-were-hiding-inside-local-children/

link: https://reductress.com/post/aw-this-woman-was-only-willing-to-separate-people-from-their-government-when-it-was-her-and-trump/

ARLINGTON, TX—When asked about whether he was looking forward to his team’s upcoming World Series matchup against the Texas Rangers, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick admitted to reporters Friday that nothing would ever top his team beating the New York Yankees right after 9/11. “Sure, winning another World Series would be nice, but it won’t hold a candle to winning against that post-9/11 Yankees team that for once had all of America behind them,” said Kendrick, adding that he would never forget the looks on the faces of New Yorkers who were searching for something hopeful in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and had those hopes dashed completely. “Honestly, not making it to the World Series for over 20 years has been absolutely worth the wait, given how we took the wind right out of their sails. They had the president come throw out the first pitch and had all this patriotic support because people felt bad for New York for once, and our team went out there and basically stomped on the heart of America. It was the one time people would have been okay with the Yankees winning, and we didn’t let them. When Luis Gonzalez hit that bloop single to win Game 7 in a walk-off and we prevented the nation from healing from 9/11 in some small way, well, that’s a feeling that no World Series will likely ever eclipse.” Kendrick added that beating the Yankees after 9/11 gave him all the satisfaction he needs in a lifetime, and so he doesn’t give a shit whether or not the Diamondbacks win this World Series.

link: https://www.theonion.com/diamondbacks-owner-admits-nothing-will-top-beating-yank-1850964114

“We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to understand is that the only people who stand to gain from halting the bombing campaign are people who deeply value human life,”

The Israeli government have put out a powerful statement accusing the Geneva Convention of being a secret member of the terrorist organisation ISIS.

This comes following criticisms of Israel’s actions in Gaza, which many experts claim directly break the Geneva Convention in regards to collective punishment of civilians. However the Israeli government has disregarded the convention claiming that any suggestion that no civilians should be killed in war is a direct attack on Israel’s right to defend themselves from random civilians in hospitals.

“What Hamas did was inhumane,” said one Israeli government official, “they killed many of our civilians and that is why no one should even think to suggest that we don’t need to kill way more uninvolved Palestinians and cut off millions of civilians from the basic necessities to live. Clearly the only reason one could question that is if they are literally ISIS!”

“People keep talking about the kids in Palestine who are dying, but some of those kids have been seen near some extremely dangerous rocks and rubble. They and everyone else at their school are probably a part of ISIS too. That’s why we need to fight their rocks with drone strikes.”

“Also, if you read this Geneva Convention, you will see that no where does it specifically condemn Hamas by name. It may as well say ‘we love terrorism’ at this point. Shame.”

Following the statement the US, UK and Australian government’s have all condemned the Geneva Convention and have pledged their uncritical support for Israel defending themselves against the Geneva Convention, as well as any civilians that Israel will claim are being used as ‘human shields’.

link: https://chaser.com.au/world/israel-accuses-the-geneva-convention-of-secretly-being-a-part-of-isis/

EVERYWHERE—In response to multiple reports of people being fired for criticizing Israel’s airstrikes on Gaza, an encouraging new report confirmed that you can share this image of smiling Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to get your job back. Sources across the nation found that if you simply post this article featuring the grinning visage of the Israeli politician to your personal social media account, your boss will see it, love it, and presto, you’ll be employed once more. Moreover, officials from X, Meta, TikTok, and LinkedIn confirmed to reporters that sharing this image on any of their platforms actually constitutes a legally binding act that requires your CEO to rehire you and, indeed, issue a public apology for wrongful termination. It’s a two-way street, the report stated, which means that anyone who lost a job opportunity for expressing nuanced sentiments on the suffering of people in Gaza will immediately be given back that job, as well as several even better jobs, because this nice photograph will satisfy every hiring manager, executive, and university dean that you fully understand which things you’re allowed to support and which things you aren’t. And lest anyone doubt that sharing this image won’t get you results, reports have already confirmed that one adjunct professor who was suspended for attending a pro-Palestine rally and then shared this image is now the president of her university and also McDonald’s. Simply share this article, the report urged, and sit back to await a call from your boss, who will be weeping in gratitude that you stand with your country on the right side of history. Congratulations on getting your job back! Now get to work. And next time, the report admonished, please remember that this issue is way too complicated for you to weigh in on besides sharing this nice image of Benjamin Netanyahu smiling, now and forever.

link: https://www.theonion.com/report-share-this-image-of-smiling-netanyahu-to-get-yo-1850958767

In an official statement released yesterday, Israeli military officials have said that they will absolutely enact a ceasefire the second they run out of rockets.

“We have pledged our commitment to stop dropping bombs on Gaza once we physically run out of bombs to drop,” said a spokesperson for the Israeli military. “Once we get through all the rockets, we’ll take a little pause. We will pick back up right where we left off the moment we get more rockets, though.”

Israeli officials said that while they were “still pretty solid” in terms of their rocket supply and had actually been receiving more rockets from the U.S. at “an almost overwhelming rate,” there was still technically potential for a ceasefire if all their rockets disappeared in, like, some sort of freak glitch in the matrix type scenario or something.

While advocates for the de-escalation of Israeli’s military forces claim this “isn’t good enough” and is actually a “overtly implausible scenario,” Israeli military officials have held firm in their position.

“Everyone keeps being like ‘ceasefire this, ceasefire that’ and it’s like, we’re getting there, okay?” one military official told reporters. “Just give us 25 more days of relentless, indiscriminate military strikes, plus an unspecified number of days after that because I can’t stress enough how quickly we’re being supplied with new bombs.”

“In the time we’ve been talking, our military just dropped 12 more bombs on Gaza,” another military official added, unprompted.

Israeli military officials added that if people really wanted a ceasefire, they’d actually be calling for them to pick up the pace of the bombings.

“I don’t think people understand how many bombs we have to burn through,” they said. “For every bomb we drop, we receive 15 more. We’re really going to have to increase our rate if we want to make any sort of dent in them.”

When asked if they would consider enacting a ceasefire now, and allow humanitarian aid to enter Gaza, the Israeli officials looked visibly confused.

“And not drop the bombs? Wait, sorry, so in this scenario you’re suggesting, we have bombs to drop, but for some reason we’re not dropping them? Sorry, I think I’m misunderstanding you.”

When the reporter responded that the official had understood them correctly and that a ceasefire was not only necessary, but highly time-sensitive, the official just restated their earlier position.

“Look, if we have the bombs, we’re going to drop them. Dropping bombs is all we know. We love dropping bombs and, more specifically, dropping them on things.”

However, when asked to confirm that their bombs were the ones that hit hospitals and churches, killing thousands of innocent civilians, the official immediately pivoted, saying, “Our bombs haven’t actually hit anything, we just drop them in open fields and stuff. That was Hamas, probably.”

link: https://reductress.com/post/israeli-military-promises-to-enact-a-ceasefire-once-they-run-out-of-rockets/