this post was submitted on 19 Aug 2024
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[โ€“] aaro@hexbear.net 20 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (7 children)

dysphoria, self-doubt, transition regret, and just general transition doom - sorry, i know that's a heavy list, but i'm really not feeling great right now comradesi'm past a year and a half on E - when is it supposed to start working? i hear girls talking about how it's magic, and then i hear girls talking about how it's not magic but it's still a huge deal - is it truly either of those things, or am i just doing something wrong? i've never male-failed once in my life and girls talk about that like it's a rite of passage. reading Whipping Girl and having Julia talk about her magic inflection point three or four months in when she started getting gendered correctly all at once after starting to transition in her thirties and i'm over here clawing the rare she/hers I get exclusively from situations where i'm sitting down, in full make up, not talking, with a face mask on, from a distance. I meet actual queer people who genuinely can't tell I'm on HRT. I had a moment about a year in where I had my labs done and my E was too high, and I was talking about it with someone, and they said "isn't it amazing when it all starts to make sense?" and i had to say "no, like, I'm taking too much of it, it's not naturally high at all". i have cis man friends with long hair who get she/her'd more than I do. there's this, and there's failing every single trans bingo card that exists, there's the fact that I was conflicted but happy before starting to transition and now i'm just depressed and obsessive about it all the time, and it's really starting to take a toll. like really, is this the move? i was doing great as a guy. i really, truly, do NOT want to go back to that, i kinda don't think i could stomach it frankly, but in transitioning i've given up so much I was getting out of masculinity and gotten scraps, if anything at all, out of femininity.

what i want to ask is "when does it get better" but i kinda feel like the answer is "maybe never"? my T was 19 last time I got labs, it's been under 50 for almost a year. it just feels really shitty to be through the period when the majority of the changes are supposed to happen (unless i'm wrong and there's some big year two/year three bump? kitty-birthday-sad) and having next to nothing to show for it.

edit, literally 52 minutes later, same CWs but new enthusiasmI am clocky and I'm hot i-think-that

maybe I'm just not used to the emotions E gives me, because holy shit these things turn on a dime, but like, i hope this can serve as inspiration that outlook changes a lot. I'm not feeling that much more pass-y but I'm a fucking hot piece, and while I may have shoulders for days and a thousand other things I've learned to instinctually zero in on in a mirror, I can also identify things in myself that I find hot in others and recognize that others see those things in me too?? it's so frustrating when some girls just... make it, even though I have so much joy in my heart seeing them do so, but it's truly not like passing all the time would be the one crowning achievement of transitioning either. there are so many things I've gotten out of this that I fail to focus on when I'm at my lowest. my exercise for the day is to list them here. meow-hug

[โ€“] Tomboymoder@hexbear.net 8 points 2 weeks ago

I relate to these feelings a lot

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