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her,,, expolde
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I am starting a diary on gender feels.
I have had the same beard for 10 years. I've trimmed it of course, but it's been a long time since I ever shaved it off. I was going to put it off to the weekend, but I decided to go for it and just get rid of it.
I thought I might feel euphoria from shaving it, and I was worried that I'd feel nothing at all. However, it turned out to be a third thing that I was not expecting.
CW Dysphoria (pretty sure)
spoiler
I felt happy as I started shaving, but then when I was finished I was looking at my face and I don't even recognize myself. It's been so long I had no clue what I looked like without facial hair. I don't like my lips, they are so thin. I don't think my bare face is particularly masculine, at least not stereotypically masculine, but it's not particularly feminine either, nor androgyne. I don't even know what it looks like, but I really don't like it as is. I've been growing my hair out longer (which was part of the process of figuring things out), and my current haircut doesn't fit with my face. With the beard, it was presentable as a male face, more aesthetic at least. Without the beard, I don't like it very much at all, and I feel nervous about going to work where my co-workers have never seen me without it. I don't know what this means.I nuzzled my cat. I liked the feeling of her fur on my face, unimpeded by facial hair. My face still hurts though from the cheap razor (and not properly washing my face first because I didn't want to drag my feet.)
I don't think I want my beard back, but I do want a face that I can like. I feel very sad right now.
On a more positive note (still dysphoria mention), I recorded myself with some different voice pitches earlier today. I definitely like the higher ones. I've never really liked my voice. Trying to sound deeper/more masculine was always hokey and fake, and I hate my default voice.
I never presented super masculine, but I was in the boymode closet for some time (still partly am).
For me taking that leap into trying to present unambiguously feminine was something I really feared, I remember trying to cross-dress in high school and instead of feeling any kind of gender euphoria, it only heightened my sense of dysphoria.
I think that experience scarred me, even now I can't bring myself to wear anything more fem than yoga pants or bear to look myself in the mirror.
I'd rather be ignorant of how much I do or don't pass, or how I would look in a dress than confirm my worst fears.
I wonder if what you are experiencing with your beard is in a similar vein, where like...if you present masculine, or cover your face with a beard, or don't really try to present fem you can live in a state of ignorance.
dysphoria
I've honestly never presented femme. The closest to femme was My Little Pony t-shirts in my "brony" phase. I've always had this incredible sense of fear and shame when I had an exposure to femme/women's clothing. As I go through my (honestly pretty repressed) memories to think about it, I remember once that was clothes shopping as a kid with my mom and I picked out a shirt that I really liked, and felt so ashamed. I also remember talking about getting a sapphire ring, and I was told that boys didn't wear that type of jewelry. (Very right-wing, evangelical family). Thinking about this complex is part of how I reached the conclusion that I'm probably not cis. The only thing close to femme I have are these pretty androgynous deep v-neck sweaters that my sister picked out for the family for Christmas photos one year. I really like wearing them, but it's way too hot right now. Everything else I have is a collared shirt, and most of them don't even fit because I've been accumulating weight continuously over the past few years due to stress/stress eating/drinking.Right now, I don't know how femme I want to look like (or really how femme/female my gender is, TBD). Honestly, I kinda like the idea of ultra-formal, like ruffled cuffs and collars and a cravat. I just googled it to make sure I was thinking of the right thing, and I really wish there was an open version (or alternate front-end) of Pinterest, because I think it has a strong recommendation algorithm but I hate the ads and the tracking, and I want to start putting together imageboards for potentially looks.
Recently, I have enjoyed growing out my hair, although it currently sits as a pomp. I hate it when it sits flat and wet, but I like it when it dries and poofs/curls out. I think I need to start blow-drying it and applying hairspray every day (often I don't get ready for work early enough and I'm then in a rush).