this post was submitted on 28 Sep 2024
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I do agree with this general sentiment, I've been in a cursed, abusive relationship and cheated on them (though not to the point of sex) because at the time I was being quite explicitly threatened and coerced into staying in that relationship. If I had been found out, it would not have looked pretty; OTOH cheating like that was a major step in giving me the confidence to leave.
I have no idea what the woman's circumstances were, but I agree they could've been very complicated and not as black/white as it seems.
At the same time, I also don't think it's fair to claim her lies didn't hurt the OP, and I don't think OP is a bad person. I wouldn't have blamed the other person if it had happened in my circumstances. I can 100% understand why a person might cheat (obviously, as I've done it), but if you betray a person's trust, especially the one who actually hasn't wronged you at all, then it's not unfair or unreasonable for them to react negatively, nor to assume the other person should find out too.
Personally, I'd do the same as you. But it is an understandably murky moral sea, and I'm not sure any answers are 100% right. Not confronting it there and then could mean OP just gets lied to more.
Good point, in regards to that her lies did hurt OP (unintentional as that may have been). FWIW I didn't think OP is a bad person, it was a difficult situation and in the heat of the moment, I can't claim that I would have necessarily acted differently (hell, I'd say I genuinely used to be a bad, or overly spiteful/vengeful/malicious person about such things).
My comment wasn't written as, or intended as a judgement of OP's character (which wouldn't be defined by just one thing, hell, "good" people can do "bad" things), that said. I just wanted to bring up what everyone else here seemed to have not considered- what I'd like to think I'd do, if I approached things from a calm and collected manner, and the insights that I've had shared with me from others (not always taking lies personally definitely wasn't something I learnt myself).
There's all sorts of reasons why someone could cheat, or even (highly circumstantial and uncommon) reasons why someone should cheat. And seeing all the comments moralizing about always outing or condemning cheaters also just put a bad taste in my mouth (as someone who's never cheated, myself- though coming from the childhood I did, I can't claim possessiveness/exclusivity matters in the slightest to me).
For sure. I agree with everything you've said here, and fully appreciate you bringing up those points. Cheating comes with a context and complex circumstances that don't make things so clear cut.