The Onion

4696 readers

774 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 3 years ago

MODERATORS

seahorse@midwest.social

pbrisgreat@midwest.social

284

Trump: When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years (theonion.com)

submitted 2 months ago by restingboredface@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

34 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Thanks, Onion, that does make me feel better.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] 200ok@lemmy.world 25 points 2 months ago

For those who don't want to click away, here are some of the highlights:

Published: January 23, 2013

...

Whenever you’re feeling low, just remember that I, Donald Trump, will be dead in roughly 15 to 20 years.

...

Biologically speaking, I, the host of NBC’s The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice, have no more than two decades left to live. In fact, right now I’m just 10 years away from reaching the average lifespan of an American male.

...

Sure, I’ll have a grand, opulent funeral that will be talked about and broadcast extensively, and all the news segment retrospectives on my life will probably be obnoxious to watch and listen to, and will very likely make you angry. But just think: all of those segments will end with a picture of my blustery, self-important face and the dates 1946–2031 printed beneath it. Or maybe 1946–2032. Or, who knows, maybe earlier!

...

And if my death in 15 or 20 years feels like it’s too far in the future to wash away your blues, you can take heart knowing that I’ll start to physically and mentally deteriorate well before then. Why, by 2020, I, a man who recently tried to extort the sitting president of the United States to release his college and passport records, might even begin to show signs of serious and unavoidable decline in mental and physical faculties, and doesn’t that just perk your spirits right up?