I'll take action on under 5.
this post was submitted on 17 Oct 2024
284 points (96.4% liked)
The Onion
4696 readers
721 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
Honestly, he's going downhill fast. Not that he was ever very uphill. But still, his faculties clearly aren't improving.
days
I honestly don’t think he makes it to January.
If there's anything worse than the words "President Trump" it's "President Vance"
Would MAGA in the government and MAGA voters solidify around James Bowman*, or would they tear themselves apart trying to be Donald’s successor?
* MAGA don’t allow preferred names, right?
Depends what the AM Radio Crowd tells them to do
Will they all be able to stick to one script?
Given how consolidated the market has become? I doubt Clear Channel has any trouble corralling their horses.
Start spreading conspiracy that couchlover fed poison to orange turd.😶🌫️
Inshallah
🙏🏻
What are the odds on 4?
The article was published January 23, 2013, so that was almost 12 years ago.
Okay now it makes me feel better. Didn't like the thought of him going another 20yrs :(
Damn this article is on the nose
Why, by 2020, I, a man who recently tried to extort the sitting president of the United States to release his college and passport records, might even begin to show signs of serious and unavoidable decline in mental and physical faculties, and doesn’t that just perk your spirits right up?
Published: January 23, 2013
Goddamn the Onion is good.
For those who don't want to click away, here are some of the highlights:
Published: January 23, 2013
...
Whenever you’re feeling low, just remember that I, Donald Trump, will be dead in roughly 15 to 20 years.
...
Biologically speaking, I, the host of NBC’s The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice, have no more than two decades left to live. In fact, right now I’m just 10 years away from reaching the average lifespan of an American male.
...
Sure, I’ll have a grand, opulent funeral that will be talked about and broadcast extensively, and all the news segment retrospectives on my life will probably be obnoxious to watch and listen to, and will very likely make you angry. But just think: all of those segments will end with a picture of my blustery, self-important face and the dates 1946–2031 printed beneath it. Or maybe 1946–2032. Or, who knows, maybe earlier!
...
And if my death in 15 or 20 years feels like it’s too far in the future to wash away your blues, you can take heart knowing that I’ll start to physically and mentally deteriorate well before then. Why, by 2020, I, a man who recently tried to extort the sitting president of the United States to release his college and passport records, might even begin to show signs of serious and unavoidable decline in mental and physical faculties, and doesn’t that just perk your spirits right up?
That long????
I'd rather the cause die instead of the symptom
Well said.
Reminding myself that I'll most probably outlive Trump and Putin provides me happiness.
Wish you'd hurry up with it
It's a great reason to keep on living. I was thrilled when Kissinger finally croaked
The fact that I don’t have to breathe the same air as that piece of shit, still fills me with joy. Same with Rumsfeld though not to the same degree. Waiting to line up to piss on Dick Cheney’s grave.
I keep saying that Trumps greatest virtue is that he is mortal and will die. It is amazing for my mood.
IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT
I.
Terezin is full of beauty.
It's in your eyes now so clear
And through the street the tramp
Of many marching feet I hear.
In the ghetto at Terezin.
It looks that way to me,
Is a square kilometer of earth
Cut off from the world that's free.
II.
Death, after all, claims everyone,
You find it everywhere.
It catches up with even those
Who wear their noses in the air.
The whole, wide world is ruled
With a certain justice, so
That helps perhaps to sweeten
The poor man's pain and woe.
I don't wanna wait, For his life to be over
I want to know right now, what will it be?
I don't wanna wait for his life to be over
Will it be yes or will it be... sorry?
Doo doo doo doooo
Doo doo doo doooo
Doo doo doo doo doooo
JFC - Don't taunt me with having to put up with that fuckwit for that long.
Published: January 23, 2013
I've been thinking about this regularly and it does not make me feel better
Only to get another shit fk like him. It doesn't fucking end.
Knowing he won't be around to see the result of his climate change denial does not make me happier :/