People change, sometimes drastically. But also people can pretend to be someone they are not. I know a few people who had to experience this kind of thing. Really fucks up your trust in people and your own judgement.

[–] theangryseal@lemmy.world 76 points 3 weeks ago (5 children)

My ex. Jesus Christ man.

She moved in and adopted my whole personality. Naturally, her own personality was fighting to surface and a person can’t bury who they are forever.

After more than a decade, she just lost it. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and you’re spot on about it fucking up trust in other people. It doesn’t have to, but it does take work.

In the middle of the chaos that was the collapse of my entire life, I remember one line from a letter she wrote me. “I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time. I know that’s probably hard for you to read.”

She had BPD too, so for three years, one moment I was god, the next she was sitting up in the bed at the end of an overall great day and saying, “I’m sorry. I just don’t love you anymore.”

She wanted nothing to do with me until I found someone else. She lost her damn mind, tried to kill herself, ended up hospitalized for mental health. That got her family involved and we had to fight them for our kid in court. It’s crazy how easy it is for a family member to kidnap your child. They told the magistrate that I held my family hostage with a knife, got a restraining order, and I just had to wait until court knowing that our daughter was scared to death and living through a nightmare on top of a nightmare.

Somehow, the woman I’m with survived all of that chaos with me. I figured she’d get tired of me driving out in the middle of the night over and over again to make sure my ex didn’t actually hurt herself.

Once she got to be herself though, she was alright. She met someone more like her. She went from laying in bed all the time hating herself and her life to taking care of things that she couldn’t before. She never got a drivers license and she was finally able to do that. She never cleaned and when I worked a lot our place was trashed, but her last place was immaculate. Poor girl died of breast cancer 4 years after we split. I wish she had left me years before honestly, so she’d have had a chance to really live.

Life is a mess. Some people do make it hard to trust other people, but we have to carry on and do our best. We’ve gotta work so that problem isn’t everyone else’s problem.

I have done my best to keep from carrying all that baggage into the relationship I’m in. I do my best to encourage her to just be herself. We get one short life, and I don’t want to have a hand in ruining it for anyone. Go see your friends, go be with your family. Don’t sit here alone because I do. Keep building your life outside of me. Maintain something of the world you lived in before you moved to ours.

Sorry for the book. I guess I needed to spit it out of my head again. I could write on this topic for several years straight and I still wouldn’t run out of shit to say about it. :p

[–] SmackemWittadic@lemmy.world 22 points 3 weeks ago

You seem like a great person. You were helping someone out even while they caused you some serious emotional distress.

I hope everything's all good for you now.

[–] AlecSadler@sh.itjust.works 12 points 3 weeks ago

That was quite a read, thanks for sharing.

[–] itsworkthatwedo@sh.itjust.works 11 points 3 weeks ago

You should write a book about it. You have a good, simple style thats easy to read, easy to understand. It would likely be cathartic to write and could help others.

[–] volvoxvsmarla@lemm.ee 11 points 3 weeks ago

That was a fascinating read and thank you for sharing. If it is any good, I'll be thinking about this for a long time.

[–] blazeknave@lemmy.world 7 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

BPD took a decade from me too. Been healing for a few years. Was able to protect my kid. Lmk if you need an ear from someone who understands. I'm the guy who all my mom friends introduce to their other dad friends who are going through breakups with mental illness. It's a thing 🤷 You're not alone.

[–] spankmonkey@lemmy.world 15 points 3 weeks ago

People can also marry someone for reasons that they think are positive, but end up being a horrible negative. Sometimes people marry someone because the other person is stable and takes care of things but then it turns out that they are extremely controlling too but it wasn't obvious until later on.

[–] echodot@feddit.uk 1 points 3 weeks ago

My partner's ex is like this. She claims that he used to be nice but I've only ever known him as an absolute failure. I can't imagine him as anything other than a vibrating ball of undirected rage. He spends most of his time being angry that he can't get a better job, but he's totally unprepared to do anything that might help him get a better job by getting training in something.