CW: chapter 2 contains a detailed description of child abuse by a parent
Hello comrades, it's time for our second discussion thread for The Will to Change, covering Chapters 2 (Understanding Patriarchy) and 3 (Being a Boy). Thanks to everyone who participated last week, I’m looking forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts again. And if you’re just joining the book club this week, welcome!
In Ch.2 hooks defines patriarchy, how it is enforced by parental figures and society at large, and the struggle of antipatriarchal parents to raise children outside of these rigid norms when the border culture is so immersed in them. Ch.3 delves deeper into the effects of patriarchy on young boys and girls and the systemic apparatuses that reinforce gender norms.
If you haven't read the book yet but would like to, its available free on the Internet Archive in text form, as well as an audiobook on Youtube with content warnings at the start of each chapter, courtesy of the Anarchist Audio Library, and as an audiobook on our very own TankieTube! (note: the YT version is missing the Preface but the Tankietube version has it)
As always let me know if you'd like to be added to the ping list!
Our next discussion will be on Chapters 4 (Stopping Male Violence) and 5 (Male Sexual Being), beginning on 12/11.
Chapter 3 gives me a lot dread when thinking about raising my own children. There is this meme that "kids ask the darnedest things" that is supposed to come off as endearing, cute, silly. In my experience, these questions are jolting. They will ask these "why" questions that reveal that they've noticed there is something wrong with the way things are, and if you're lucky you've noticed it too and thought about it already and have a good answer. That answer will be somewhere between an easy lie that's available and you can gaslight them with a fake answer, or that hundreds of years of oppression and shitty propaganda have spawned this garbage tradition/norm/activity you're observing. You can probably get away with participating in it too if you meet all the criteria, but if you don't people might notice and single you out. I am being a little dramatic but not really?
I don't have a great idea on how to navigate those examples brought up like the boy wanting to wear nail polish or going by Ruby. I want to be the kind of parent that is supportive of whatever decisions my kids make especially if they're right, but I'm terrified that they'll be rejected by their peers as they get older. The male loneliness was very relatable to me and not something I want my kids to have to experience. It feels like there is no way to escape patriarchal thinking, best case you can cross some lines but go too far outside the constraints and you'll be rejected by all your peers who are glued to whatever the youtube algo fed them.
This is a question I struggle with also. I ultimately came to the conclusion that even if he gets hurt by his peers, I don't want to police my son's gender before the world has a chance to. However I live in a very diverse, liberal area, so there's at least some degree of tolerance and acceptance of difference. If I thought he might get hate crimed for wearing pink shoes I might come to different conclusions
Children have the lowest rank on the patriarchy hierarchy since they can see through how fake everything in our culture is. We forget as we get older that everything about our culture and we do is voluntarily and made up by people. They are learning these rules so can see when they don't make sense or are hypocritical. That is why they make up uncomfortable. This leads to people lying to their children or just dismissing their concerns with "because I said so" or "you will understand when you are older".
Growing up, I thought it was wrong to spank kids and I said as much. This was my parents' response. Well, I'm in my 30s now, and I think it's incredibly fucked up that spanking kids is normal and accepted.
The lowest people in the hierarchy are children.
I try to restrict my bad answers to "I need to think about that one a little" because I genuinely do need to think about them more. Another thing kids are great at that isn't mentioned as much is they will very readily make shit up to explain things. They give me all kinds of reasons for why something happens and those are just the ones they verbalize. For every question they ask there are countless hidden assumptions and contradictions cooking in their heads. Some of them surely get weeded out as they age and learn but all the voluntary things we don't talk about are just baked in to them passively.
This make sense because there is a lot in our world that is strange if you think about it. Everything from the sun rising everyday, motorized vehicles zipping around, using paper in exchange for things and every cultural rule. It makes sense that children have questions and some are based on magical thinking. Since so much is magical thinking.
Also "I need to think about that one a little" and "I don't know" are great answers for children. It shows that you don't have know everything as an adult