menby

It's something i'm curious about as well. Like i said in our discussion last week, my solution to deal with my toxic masculinity would never work for men, because the transfem approach of "i want to live as a woman, never want to be seen as a man again and therefore can ditch any baggage people put up with to prove their manhood" is obviously not on the table for them. But i do know a lot of dudes who are at least headed in a good direction when it comes to de-patriarchizing masculinity, be they trans men who've been thrown into navigating masculinity as adults or cishet guys who've at some point understood that toxic masculinity blocks them from living a fulfilled, happy life and having the kind of romantic relationships and friendships they need.

And one thing all of them have in common is that they have nothing to prove. Patriarchal masculinity is always on display, there is always the need to broadcast your manlyness, to put on a show of domineering strength and a callous indifference towards hurting yourself and others. The self-described alpha male is a deeply insecure specimen and all the men i feel safe to be around aren't. They don't care if somebody sees them as wife guys or as soft soyboys, because they know on a very deep level that overperforming manhood and being ashamed of deviating from the script are BS. The term "fragile masculinity" exists for a reason. But ridding yourself of that is a tough one to pull off in practice, because there's a built-in paradox.

Unlike gender identity (in this case: being a man), which is internal and independent of the outside world, gender performance (in this case: acting in a masculine role) is always relational, always exists in a social and societal context. And in a patriarchal society, that means that there are always other men who police masculinity and shame you when you do not meet their standards. which is a core concept of chapter 3. To be a non-patriarchal man is a test of patience and resolve in this environment, and being stoic and calm under stress easily ties back into the patriarchal man's core problem to shut himself off emotionally.

If you want to find a way around that, if you do not want to end up in some still toxifying sigma role model, you need spaces to safely vent, show vulnerability and build meaningful connections with others. That's the only way to avoid the usual male trap of bottling up your anguish and letting it fester, in this case the anguish that results from being on the defense against patriarchal men all the time.

It also means that you will have to challenge the posturing and threat displays of patriarchal men. It just comes with the territory that you need to call these guys out when they tell you that ... kissing your gf makes you gay or w/e. To be a non-patriarchal man means joining in the fight against patriarchy, just opting out of the system doesn't work.