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Cishet dudes of Hexbear: Do feel that certain gender or sexuality norms are harmful to you personally? If so, what are they and how would you say they affect you? (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by Carcharodonna@hexbear.net to c/askchapo@hexbear.net

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So, back when I was "still cis tho", there were a lot of aspects of male gender norms that bothered me deeply and of course I totally understand why now. Even though these days I obviously have a clear reason for feeling that way, I'm still curious if cishet men also have issues with how norms or expectations around gender and sexuality impact them in a negative way.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how those norms impact you, whether good or bad.

Also, I should mention that since this is a bit of a sensitive subject we're talking about here, please be thoughtful and sensitive when discussing with others in this thread. Thanks! <3

EDIT: Much thanks for all the great responses here! I know it's a difficult topic of course, so I appreciate you sharing your thoughts/feelings like this.

Speaking of which... I just looked at /c/menby and some of the posts on the front page there are over 2 years old. I see a lot of the discussion here centered around not being able to share feelings and/or not having the spaces or support to do that in. /c/menby seems like the perfect place for that, just sayin'.

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[–] SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net 59 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

Having mental illness and being a man seem like they're not compatible under the patriarchy. I've had my dad tell me straight up to my face I'm just faking it and looking for sympathy with my anxiety, depression, OCD, because according to him my life is good. So there's that.

[–] Carcharodonna@hexbear.net 23 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you gotta deal with that meow-hug

I've never been good at sharing my feelings for many other reasons on top of it, but not having any kind of emotional support also always hit me pretty hard as well. One of the many great things that's happened to me since realizing I'm trans is both being able to get rid of that shame/mental block around expressing my real self as well as having positive spaces to do it in (thanks tracha!). Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me like even in relatively positive male spaces there's still a lot of discomfort for men around expressing certain feelings openly in the same way. Not sure what it takes to break that, but it at least seems like a good thing to bring up that stuff more often like you're doing right now.

[–] SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net 20 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me like even in relatively positive male spaces there's still a lot of discomfort for men around expressing certain feelings openly in the same way.

Yeah there's still a lot of shame involved with being open as a man. Though I have seen a recent change in people's perceptions of what you can say/do in regards to feeling while being masc so that's a positive. We just need to de-brainworm more people.

[–] the_post_of_tom_joad@hexbear.net 13 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Though I have seen a recent change in people's perceptions of what you can say/do in regards to feeling while being masc so that's a positive. We just need to de-brainworm more people.

I found that being in the right situation, being open with one or two other guys about my own fears and distress (this was during covids first days and i just fuggen needed to vent honestly) was usually a catalyst for them to drop the charade as well, talking about their own feelings of helplessness and dread. Once that hurdle was cleared i was the guy they'd come share their worries and the younger ones would bitch to me about the 'bullshit' machismo of the older gen. Course it helps a lot that i present as cishet and look and talk like a tradesman, but my experience is even the crustiest looking steelworkers, rather than embodying the chud alpha ideal, were putting on a brave face just like me.

That experience went a long way towards fixing my own fear of guys (tho i am in fact amab im ace and adhd/aut, so was mentally and physically bullied throughout school until i learned how to mask up and act like a "proper" Midwestern male).

I wish this info was useful, i wish just anyone could try that but i understand my position as a somewhat older well-spoken crackerjack was what really helped me break thru their facade.

[–] kristina@hexbear.net 13 points 2 weeks ago

I've had that happen by randoms as a woman trans-sad

[–] ShimmeringKoi@hexbear.net 12 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

An assumption built on another assumption, that seeking sympathy from other people is somehow weak and not like

What every social species does

The fundamental axioms that generation takes for granted about people and the world are so heart wrenchingly sad. And then they go and try to inflict it on their kids

Actually I just caught my own assumption, that weak=not serious or worth respecting. I don't consciously think that, but I did use the word as a stand-in for that. This shit is insidious and multilayered, like an onion with a ghost in it.