I want to preface this by saying I’m not s*icidal. I’m not. I’m just tired of feeling this way.
I’m unhappy. I’m angry. I’m empty. I’m emotionally stunted. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I’m tired of waking up in pain. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger everywhere I go. I have no friends. I work 7 tens a week. I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF WORK IN OVER A MONTH STRAIGHT! Im pushing almost 300 hours the last four weeks alone. I don’t enjoy work anymore. It’s six AM and I’ve been up since three, aside from the first twenty minutes I haven’t quit crying. I never see my kids anymore and when I do I’m so wiped out from work that I can’t do anything but sit down.
I don’t like the man I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m so desperate for some inner peace. I don’t know where to turn. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why. I’m on number four in about 18 months. I so desperately long for a human connection with someone. Any one.
This place isnt the cause. But I feel like the time I spend here could be better spent trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.
Anyway, take care yall. I’m so sorry for being an asshole. Please accept my apology and understand that I don’t want to be this person any more. I so badly want to fix whatever is broken in me.
EDIT - I called in to work. I’m taking today off. I’m going to go have a conversation with my sister about some of the stuff rattling around in my head. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and find another counselor, I think.
I’m reconsidering deleting my account, but I’m still going MIA a while. Thank you guys for the kind words. I’ll be back eventually, hopefully less stressed.
Bye for now.
It really does seem like things are going to get better for you. You’re meeting so many potential future clients and getting knowledge of how to run a business, and you’re on track to be your own boss given everything you’re doing to work towards that end. You’ll be fully prepared to work on your own. I frown upon the advice of just push through it but in this case, since you actually like what you do and seem to have so many other things going for you professionally, hold on for a little while longer.
You’re working 300 a month
75 hours out of 168 a week…That’s crazy init? I wouldn’t have thought that was allowed.
Toxic masculinity being what it is, I get shit from some of the younger guys (I’m 46) about how if I can’t hack it I should go be a janitor at a school. If you can believe that.
Sounds like years of ass breaking labor 7 days a week has predictably turned them into bitter people!