Comradeship // Freechat

i couldn't find a community geared towards venting or posting about depression, so i'm coming here to empty my head. sorry in advance if this doesn't fit the comm well. if you're sensitive to depression i'd avoid my post tbh.

it took me two months to find a job since my last one ended in October. my bills became unmanageable during that time and my phone was shut off. yesterday, on my first day of work, my car was repossessed after i got home. i live with my partner and his mother and they fought about me the other day. i came home early today from work and got into a yelling match with my partner over something stupid. we have been together for 13 years. we know there will be bad and good times, but lately it's been nothing but bad, and i am the cause of a good percentage of it.

i have several mental illnesses that make it difficult for me to maintain support for myself. i am medicated and have been in and out of therapy. i've even been hospitalized for suicidal ideation. i am trying, i really am. i don't know how to balance the love i feel for my partner and "being responsible" financially. we are supposed to focus on expenses and bills first, but i cannot simply exist to work. that isn't life, that isn't living, i'd rather be dead. i will only get one life to live and i am spending it concerned about money and successfully navigating a capitalist hellhole. yes, sometimes i buy my boyfriend and i shit we don't need, but it's because we get to experience each other genuinely when we come together and do or use whatever i bought for us. i am creating memories, i am creating happiness.. but yes, it is at the expense of money and "good" decision making. poor people are allowed to enjoy life too.

but.. i don't know if my boyfriend sees it that way. he's told me that he cares more about being financially stable and secure, but the smile on his face when i get him something he wanted or i pick up some weed for us to relax together and smoke tells me that he needs a release too. he feels pressured to conform to the world around him, but he is also extremely disgusted by our world in much the same way i am.

idk. i have felt like a leech and a failure my whole life, and now i have lost my phone and my car, and have no money until my first check. i spent what i had on gas for a car that was taken from me lol. now i'm sitting here broke and without much of anything, and my boyfriend and his mother seem to think poor of me as of late.

i'm tried. i really am exhausted. if i don't wake up tomorrow the world would be doing me a favor. i have begged to die in my sleep before only to unfortunately wake up and be forced to exist yet again. maybe tonight will be different.