traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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Hi again everyone. So I sorta kinda had a mental breakdown.
CW: Dysphoria, mental health stuff
I already wasn’t doing great over the holidays break and then I just sort of went off the rails and spent like a solid day or two crying or trying not to cry. I wrote down a bunch of stuff to try to process it, which was a VERY good idea in hindsight. There’s a lot I want to say about it but I maybe need to collect my thoughts a bit better before giving the full version.The short version is that over the years I’ve learned to disassociate as a coping mechanism, and once I realized I was trans I wanted to move away from that, which is a good thing, of course. The catch though is that, given I have a long time before being able to fully transition, my identity and sense of self is propped up by the ideal version of myself that I’m trying to become. Something I was reading got me thinking back again on how I’d previously experience the world as an egg. Knowing what I know now, however, I was no longer able to disassociate from my current or past reality and just started to spiral.
On a positive note, I was able to identify a lot of thoughts and feelings that went previously unexplored. I also realize much more how important it is our identities (including terms and categories we fit into) really match our personal experience. Very relevant to this, in my free time away from most of the internet ended up finally reading Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue which was better than I expected. One thing that really made an impact on me is how focused on people’s real feelings and experiences it was. I was expecting something more academic, but it was very personal. I also felt it was much more radically inclusive of trans experiences than modern discourse usually allows. I knew before that Feinberg defined “trans” as a broad umbrella, but it was still interesting to see hir reasoning explained further. Here’s a great example from the book:
CW, because it briefly mentions SA
I thought this passage in particular was fantastic, but the rest has been great too. I do still have one final chapter to read, which I’m going to do right after posting this. :)
I’d love to hear your opinions if you’ve read it already. If you haven’t read it, you should. Could it maybe be a good candidate for a book club type thing?
I'm going through this rn too :/