depression_now!

that many of these people also suffered opiate addiction?

hence the smiles.

a lot of people rarely smile because they're just rocking depression without self medication.

perhaps this is simply the default state of the species and we're loath to confront that.

As someone who spent more than a decade as a functional junkie, in my own situation I can say for sure that crippling depression got me there in the first place.

That first couple of months on opiates was the happiest I had ever been, especially that first night.

I sat back in this extremely comfortable gaming chair and listened to Nick Drake all night and felt like I was on another planet. I cried tears of joy and bliss. I was hooked immediately despite what I was telling myself at the time.

It didn’t take long for the opiates to become their own problem and then get wrapped up in the depression and self loathing.

Once I clawed my way out of depression, now I had this huge mountain to climb to end the problems of addiction. I didn’t think I could do it and I wanted to die. I was ashamed of myself and tired of dealing with all of the miserable souls caught up in that world. I hate to say it like this, but most of them were pitifully dumb. The main reason everyone I knew had spent time in jail and I hadn’t was the dumb stuff they constantly did. Driving around in cars with no tags or insurance, busted lights, fighting, yelling, just constant chaos.

If you’re a junkie, you will be ripped off. You’ll be desperate and someone will show up and they’ll be your last option. You’ll hand them your money and you’ll never see it again. That’s just the way it is. A lot of people I knew ended up in jail fighting over that. I just adapted and learned who I could trust.

It got to a point where every bit of living I was doing was a fight to keep from being sick. If I hadn’t gotten out of that I probably would’ve ended my own life, mostly because I hated having to have a social life wrapped up in the drugs. I was so sick of those people.

It was easy for me to drop the people, places, and things that kept me wrapped up in my addiction because I hated them all with a passion I can’t begin to describe, even the ones I loved.

I was suicidal before I ever did that, but I was driven and motivated to die by it. That’s for sure.

I’m glad I didn’t. I’m fighting depression right now, but it is NOTHING like what led me to become an addict.

You’re not wrong to point it out, but happy, healthy people don’t take risks like heroin. Before I ended up in that state I had a healthy fear of the drug. Depression erased that fear.

Sorry if I seem all over the place on it. I kind of am. Haha

Depends what came first. For me it’s being just naturally not a happy person, the feelings of numbness you get from painkillers is very attractive when you’re depressed. Same for something like Xanax which will just let you sleep your life away.