today I woke up crying because I was broke i hustle hard in multiple ways trying to make side income, work a job paying 12/h, do food deliveries on a bicycle and even with relative success I'm still broke and struggling to scale. i feel i am weak for crying. because i take insane risks sometimes without getting rewarded. it makes me feel removed and like i get everything wrong. like i was blessed with a lot of opportunities but is too dumb to take advantage of them and really make the money. i feel like a complete failure and loser, struggling to balance chasing the money/survival with my academics.
a lot of the time I just can't find the motivation in myself to do certain things and end up cheating my way in with drugs, this makes me feel even more like a failure. i am diagnosed with ADHD along with anxiety and depression but stimulants are so expensive that I just use caffeine pills. i have been relying on caffeine to stop being a bitch for a long time infact since I was a kid. I would not have graduated high school if it was not for caffeine. how can I become stronger in the face of pressure/failure/wasted risks? instead of crying like a bitch in the morning. How can I be a more resilient person and a more motivated and driven person? and how can I become more intelligent to be able to balance academics with survival better? how can I stop relying on drugs to have this drive/energy in my brain, instead of that "oh no I can't be arsed" pain felt from brain to eyes?
Oh, one more thing. ADHD meds for people with ADHD are not "cheating." They are leveling the playing field, bringing you up to the level of somebody WITHOUT that disability. Taking ADHD meds or in the absence of it, self-medicating to be able to focus is not shameful. You deserve to be medicated if it helps you, and if anyone has ever shamed you for that, shame on THEM!