this post was submitted on 25 Aug 2025
487 points (96.9% liked)
Microblog Memes
9115 readers
2430 users here now
A place to share screenshots of Microblog posts, whether from Mastodon, tumblr, ~~Twitter~~ X, KBin, Threads or elsewhere.
Created as an evolution of White People Twitter and other tweet-capture subreddits.
Rules:
- Please put at least one word relevant to the post in the post title.
- Be nice.
- No advertising, brand promotion or guerilla marketing.
- Posters are encouraged to link to the toot or tweet etc in the description of posts.
Related communities:
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
Guy who is me who is single: I'd be fine if we could just get some third places that aren't focused on drinking where it is appropriate to ask women on a date.
Or if I started drinking more again I guess, but having quit for a while to cut back I don't want to get back to where I was, I'm doing good.
Additional third spaces definitely required.
Probably subsequent to a secondary location.
I believe second place is supposed to be where you work.
Perhaps so, but in my case I was referring to this John Mulaney sketch.
edit: As observed below, I messed up the link formatting. Fixed now.
You missed the closing parenthesis.
So I did. Corrected, thank you.
I keep hearing people say this. Where are you that you don't have parks? Tennis courts or swimming pools or volleyball beaches? There's a spot near my house, just off a popular running trail, that hosted a "Singles Night" and it was swarming with eligible 20-somethings. There's an outdoor theater in downtown that does free-to-the-public shows every month and a dozen other concert halls and sporting arenas that will happily sell you nosebleed seats for cheap. Nevermind the dating 101 spots - movie theaters, dance clubs, and bowling alleys.
"No more third spaces" has become this suffocating meme that cropped up in the wake of COVID. It's like some time after 2021 everyone just forgot how to take a walk near a large body of water and talk to one another for an hour or three.
They're talking about places to approach/get to know strangers
Go dancing. Guaranteed to get to know strangers very quickly.
Also, literally any rec league sports club.
Last time I met up with friends in a park, we were interrupted by the cops because you apparently have to pay the city to use the picnic table now.
100% this. But also, you can make your own third space by inviting friends over and asking them to bring friends. I met most of my serious girlfriends at various house parties. Friends of friends are somewhat pre-vetted.
You have made one major assumption here which I feel cannot be overlooked.
Gotta make friends before dating. Having no friends is a big red flag.
I do get a bit tired of
"There are no third spaces! I can't meet anyone! Nobody will love me!"
"Have you tried leaving the house?"
"That's literally impossible."
Well to do that all my friends would have to un-OD on heroin lol, the opioid epidemic did a real number on my city. I never did it myself, but for me to invite them over I'd need a shovel or a Ouija Board, and idk who they'd bring but I'm not sure I wanna find out!
"Damn Steve, when did you become friends with Moloch and Baal? And why'd you bring Ea-Nasir?!"
My only living in town friend is moving in about a year, too. And if he had anyone he could set me up with I'd know lol, known him for 15yr.
Yeesh. Sounds like you need a new set of friends or a new town. I wonder how much of the loneliness is down to loads of people living in really sparse areas.
Yeah well y'know, I work, then I'm too tired to go out, can't afford bars anymore and if I could I'm still too old for that shit.
I do go out to some naturey places when the weather permits (of course it's been hotter than the sun until like this week), but it's not like a naturey meet up I just smoke weed and read a book next to the creek, and look at frogs and shit.
Furthermore, I don't know how these people who say "go to X or Y" even find out that X or Y is happening locally, and where/when. Newspapers? Those still around?
Local newspapers are still a thing, so are bulletin boards at city hall or whatever cultural center you have. (I've seen event listings at bars, libraries, near a fountain, wherever stuff gets hosted)
Word I'll look around, thanks. I assumed newspapers was a joke I was making haha, I thought those were dead for that kind of thing by now.
Try more meetups? There's always stuff for running, board games, coding, bike riding, bird watching. Just don't be a creeper who's cruising instead of doing the activity in good faith.
It's my understanding that women don't want to be asked out at such places, the common complaint being that they can't even enjoy their hobby without guys asking them out.
Finding romantic and sexual partners is really, really hard for people who are unable to find new friends generally.
It's a lot easier to meet women to date when you don't have much trouble talking to women and men you're not at all interested in dating.
The friend of friend angle remains one of the best filters for finding available partners who might actually be compatible with you. And that pool is a lot bigger when you can get along with people through hobbies and activities, who have already kinda vetted that you're a good person who is fun to be around.
I can talk to people just fine, when I find people to talk to. But ime most people are busy with their daily lives. Today I'm at work, I'm going to get in my car and drive to lunch, and stop into the grocery store otw home. Sure I can talk to the superficial work friends, but after that it's nobody (in person) all day. My only in town friend has night shift, so he's not chillin.
Could I go to the bar? Sure, but again I don't want to. Could I go to the lake? Hell, might, great day, but I'll be bringing a joint and a book and finding a quiet spot, none of the runners or bikers want to take out their headphones and chat.
"Friends" beyond the superficial level that is basically natural requires us to not be busy ass 30-somethings.
Generally speaking, for people who don't even have the time or energy to foster friendships and superficial relationships that are already in their life, it's gonna be hard to find, evaluate, and build potential romantic relationships.
That's what meetups and hobby-based activities are for. They're supposed to be fulfilling enough for the activity alone, with the added social benefit of new friends added on. If you'd be willing to do that for the possibility of meeting new romantic partners but not the possibility of meeting new friends, that's gonna be a pretty tough sell even to the potential romantic partners, that you're not really there to make friends.
Opposite, I could do that (assuming I could even find said groups, what, newspapers?) for friends but not romantic partners, beyond one of them introducing me to someone. I wouldn't date anyone in the group unless she asked me out because it's my understanding that women don't want to be asked out at the hobby they're "just trying to enjoy" as the complaint often goes. And women, IME, don't often ask people out. It happened to me once, I blew it because I didn't even know how to react lol. Tbf it was kinda on her, I said yes and she didn't follow up with anything. I should have just taken over but I kinda thought she was gonna be like "great friday at 8?" or something but instead I kinda laughed nervously and she just walked away lol.
The part everyone seems to be missing is: I don't need help conversing, I need to know the locations of like groups of nature loving book readers that actively want to chat and how to find their schedule.
It's a numbers game. Spend enough time with enough people and someone's going to like you. I'm a whale and I've had partners. I was only normal body weight when I met the first one, next few have been after I went over 100 KG and then around 135. Okay last one was a gold digger but the others were when I was poor (which I am again now lol)
Oh and I'm a sarcastic asshole too, so my personality itself is quite an acquired taste too. It does, however, help that I can keep a conversation going regardless of what the topic is or whether I know you.. Especially helps with people who take time to get out of their shells. It's funny because I'm actually an introvert but as long as you don't catch me in recovery mode, you could never tell.
The ADHD also helps though. One of the very few areas where it does.
I do think book clubs are still a thing tho. Maybe you need to move to a bigger town?
I've had plenty partners, but I met them in the bars I no longer wish to attend regularly due to price of the drinks and that I'm successfully drinking a normal amount and I don't need to be getting drunk every night again. So the question becomes where meet now? Doesn't help that I refuse to be scammed by the spyware dating apps.
We sound pretty damn similar (except I've always been poor haha). ADHD and all.
Book clubs is a maybe but I read on my own time, and only things I'm really interested in (ADHD lol). Still though, how find? Lemmy is my only social media.
You say this, but you're also in this thread rejecting advice about how to find people because you don't want to talk to people that you find that way, and telling a story about how you've apparently not followed through with someone who asked you on a date. It sounds like you're self sabotaging by refusing to try.
Edit: and to be clear, my main point in this line of comments is that people with active friendships tend to have a much easier time finding available potential partners. That's an active part of the search strategy.
Well so far nobody has given advice related to the actual question, just vague platitudes mostly, like "make friends." "Ok, where they at?" Silence. I don't have problems talking with people, I have problems finding people my age that are looking to chat in person. Again, once I find them, I'm off to the races, but where are they? Nobody wants to just chat anywhere I currently go, so where are these chatty cathys?
That was years ago, I was a young man who has never been "asked out" outright before or since, of course the humorous anecdote included me fumbling it. You sound like you think know a lot about me from one story a decade old, what are you Google Analytics or something?
so i am in the same boat as you. but here is my plan. any good comic book store/board game place has meet ups. my plan is that if you have a combined goal, such as a board game, you can ignore any tension and awkwardness, and focus on fun!
now one, i have had this plan for a wile and still have issues acting on it. two, my family a has informed me that women to not go to board game parlors. though they tell me i have to go to church to find love… and that’s a hefty no. but once i get through some stuff i might be acceptable dateing material
We have a TTRPG store, so that'd be a possibility, but my comic store doesn't have meetups afaik and everyone I've seen there my age is Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.
Huh, are you my brother or something? Family says same, I say she'll figure out I'm not religious pretty fast lmao.
may need to hit multiple stores. if your favorite hang out isn’t promoting their game nights in meet up and such, they are losing out on a valuable marketing possibility. i can only hope that more women see it as a possibility, now that d&d streaming is getting more popular.
also biking is a terrible place to try, everyone’s too busy breathing to talk
buti look in the meetup app for things… too bad it’s a “professional ladder climbing” and “timeshare/market share/pyrmid scheme” app nowadays…
We only have the one comic store, mycomicshop made sure of that.
Idk if the TTRPG store advertises, but I haven't seen it if so. Maybe I'll just give them a call.
Ahh well sounds like meetup is out for me lol, anything that begins with "install app" is pretty much a no from me dawg, I got grapheneOS and don't want to install the crap I intentionally kicked off my phone lol.
well the meetup app is mainly a portal to the web page. so i would give that a try instead. my warning about the professionals meetups are not to push the idea that you would be catfished or anything, just don’t be surprised that a lot of area meet ups may be for that, but are usually blatant in their posting
we got to be careful. i constantly fall into the trap of hopelessness and kill ideas before their hatched. trying to be better, i think i would make a great partner! i just have to give myself a chance
The top of this thread was me suggesting meetups. Like meetup.com is still around. I think facebook has a competitor, but I don't use facebook. There are other local groups, but those are local and I can't point you to any unless you happen to live in new york city.
Never heard of meetup.com, are they privacy invasive? I too do not use facebook or any of that mess (see my previous question haha).
As to your local groups, do you remember how you found any of them? While I may be in a different locale it's possible the same or similar discovery techniques will work for my area.
Meetup.com has been around for years. I think it was founded after 9/11 and the owner was like "what am i doing with my life? i want to meet people". I knew a bunch of people who worked there, and they were always sad that such a good idea wasn't managed better. I go to one local meetup for board games, and I used to go to another one that was just "brooklyn outdoor hangouts".
So far as I know they're not particularly privacy invasive. They make money by charging the people running the meetups, so there's less incentive to screw with the attending users. My friends don't work there anymore though, so I'm not up to date on their latest.
Another vector for finding stuff was location based. Like, looking up places and seeing what they're offering. There's a community center not far from me, so I looked up what kind of stuff they do. They have recreational sports, book clubs, some sort of ballroom dancing class, and more. The local library also does events. I went to a couple of those I found on their website. There are board game cafes near me that do regular events, though you often have to pay so I don't go to them much. Prospect Park (the big park in brooklyn) does some events too, but those seem to be mostly one-off. For making friends and finding partners you want recurring encounters.
I know bars are a cliché, but some do events you can enjoy without drinking booze. One near me does D&D nights in the back. I didn't join but I chatted with them, and they meet on the regular. Trivia nights are popular, though I found that works better if you bring at least one existing friend to get started.
For new york, there are also websites like https://donyc.com/free-events-nyc . I haven't used this much, but a friend swears by it. I don't think it's as good for making new friends, because of a lot of the stuff is like big, impersonal, events. But your local city might have a similar publication.
Less useful for getting started, there's also word of mouth. A friend of mine told me about a local recreational sports league they play in. Someone else told me about a bird watching club that meets in the mornings.
Cool thanks! This could be helpful, I'll check it out!
I know, X myself, like I said it was a decade ago when I was young as shit and has never happened since so I don't blame you for doubting.
As to the second part, you "don't mean to be an asshole," but you are, and judging my entire life and personality from one decades old anecdote is patently stupid, so, you might be that too my guy. Two can play the asshole game <3.
yeah, i see you are wonderful conversationalist, aggressive the second someone does not agree with you. keep up the good job, women love that!
Lol, "I'm not trying to be an asshole, but here's me being an asshole."
"What?! How dare you be an asshole back to moi?!"
Thanks for your lack of input, your services are no longer needed.
No , but you can talk to them and make friends. Women like dudes who they can interact with and not have to worry about the dude trying to fuck them the instant they let their guard down. If you show up for the activity and focus on having fun and not just to try and get laid it makes you safer to be around. It has to be genuine though people can pick up on it if you have ulterior motives.
I'm not interested in dating but I have female friends who try to introduce me to women when we go out to bars and things like that because they know how I am and trust me not to be an asshole. By comparison there is another dude in our group who is constantly acting thirsty and going after any woman that shows him even the slightest attention. He does not get the same consideration and has been left out of a number of events because of his behavior. I do understand that that can be a difficult thing to shut down sometimes but learning to do it goes a long way.
Yes, that's what I meant but don't be a creeper that's cruising for dates. You can still make friends, and over a longer period of time ask if there's interest. I don't have an objective set of rules for this path- almost all of my dates were via dating apps, where interest in dating can be assumed.
Well, good luck getting those guys to listen, the only ones who will are people like me who don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, the guys doing that don't care.
But then the problem becomes if I misread the "friendship seems like it's going to be more" signal, some people are nice about it, but some will immediately spread that you're a creep to the entire group and then you lose your hobby all because of a misunderstanding. And I'm not talking about being pushy or weird, just something as simple as "hey I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime" can be enough to set that off. It's happened to me before. I know the tendency of the internet is to immediately assume I asked to fuck her nose or something weird, but no, just "like coffee or lunch or something, no pressure?" Bam, one innocuous question from a misread signal, took no for an answer, am "creep" now.
I also just so happen to be diagnosed, literally, as a fucking moron who cannot get social cues lol. It'd be nice if those "friends that want more" could use their words instead of trying to signal, I don't speak that language well. Unfortunately that is due to, I believe the medical term is "broken brain," and cannot be fixed.
I used to have no problem meeting women in bars, but that wasn't conducive to long term partnerships, perhaps unsurprisingly.
It's mean and childish of a person who got asked out and declined to publish who asked them out and even how, especially when they're coining it in such a bad way. I've observed these situations too. Some things shouldn't be gossiped because they can have a very negative impact on the mental situation of some people.
I hope you're doing fine and working on overcoming that fear. If you actually have a weakness on social clues like that, I think it wouldn't be too bad of an idea to let them know somehow. I bet most will be very understanding. Most of the time, people are very polite when declining.