Happy Early May Day!
this post was submitted on 29 Apr 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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depersonalization talk
Sometimes I feel like my body is a mech suit I'm piloting around. Or like I'm a little farther back in my head then I should be (I have no idea if that makes sense). It feels a little like when I had esketamine (not at its peak, more the beginning and end). I was actually concerned for a while the esketamine broke something in my brain.Is that kinda what trans depersonalization is like? Do any of you feel the same way?
Oh yeah. That is definitely something that I've experienced in the past. Same goes for both of my partners. It's not a fun feeling. I'm not certain there's really a way to work around it aside from continuing to push forward with what you're doing for yourself. Keep strong and carry on.
I'll try
its so hard to understand. I don't even know where forward is. Thank you.
Don't worry. You'll find your path. You got this.
Tap for spoiler
Very relatable. Not sure how long I felt like that, but realized it felt like my body was just a suit I piloted about 8 years ago but didn't know about depersonalization, so didn't really have the words to describe it. Not did I have any clue what might be the cause.For a bit in school, I had a reputation of not eating, so I was either compared to plants or robots. I'd lean into the latter by intentional having wires from my phone battery back hang out if my pocket sometimes. Being a robot was fairly relatable.
When I first started questioning if I was trans is when I came across that one article that talking about how dissociation can be a hidden sign of dysphoria and that's the first time I was a list of symptoms of it, and I fit almost all of them perfectly. Both depersonalization and derealization.
One time an ER gave me ketamine and when I was coming off of it, one of my mom's tried using the fact that I was still high to "threaten" to paint my nails pink. She had already asked me if I'm a woman before that (which I said no because NB), so I suspect she was trying to use the fact that I was on ketamine to get me to talk more honestly. I should have taken her up on the offer, but I tend to try to just be silent when coming off anaesthetics and such.
Edit: also noticed its largely been gone or at least toned down significantly since like 2 days after starting HRT. Probably just placebo ¯\(ツ)/¯