Ask Lemmy
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Please don't post about US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
view the rest of the comments
The first 13 years of my life
The aforementioned 13 years, plus sporadic times in my teen years and early adult years. I've been in a relationship with my wife since I was 21.
N/A
Yes, to a certain degree.
Pros:
1.) I was in control of my own life. I could just decide to do something - anything - and then just do it.
2.) Didn't have to keep track of finances. If money disappeared from my account, it was because I spent it.
3.) If opportunities to be intimate with someone arose, I could go with the flow and see where the night takes me. I didn't have to commit to anyone if I didn't want to.
Cons:
1.) Loneliness. No one to spend your time with.
2.) No one to bounce ideas off of, or introduce interesting plans or events into my life. It made planning for things harder, and encouraged me to be a lazy/messy couch potato instead of going out and being productive.
Yes.
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
Pros:
1.) No longer alone.
2.) I've been married to my best friend for 15 years, so every day is fun and exciting.
3.) My wife encourages me to get out and do stuff. I've been on trips across Europe, Asia, and America. I've been on 3 separate luxury cruise lines; one in the Mediterranean and two in the Caribbean. Without my wife, I would've just stayed home and missed out on all those life experiences.
4.) I have shared hobbies with my wife, so I always have a partner for the fun things I want to do.
5.) We also have separate hobbies, so when one of us needs alone time, we both can focus on something we want to do without the other for a while.
6.) We're more productive together. Alone, we'd just veg out and watch TV or doom scroll the Internet. But together, we can discuss various topics and explore new and fun things together.
7.) Getting laid is easy (unless you're partner makes it difficult). No more prowling clubs/bars or dating apps and settling for someone just to get your rocks off. You have a willing partner at home who, if you're in a healthy relationship, should be willing to get down with you most anytime. And you know their sexual history, so no worrying about getting an STI or something.
8.) If you're in a healthy relationship, you have someone who you can truly be yourself around. You won't need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone you're not. It's quite liberating to have someone who sees you at your worst in the privacy of your own home and still wants to be with you.
Cons:
1.) Every major decision needs to be audited by my partner. I can't just decide to do something; I need to run it by my wife first. I'm in a healthy relationship, so I can just decide to do stuff on my own all the time and it's not a big deal. But my relationship is also healthy because I include my wife in my planning, even if she's not going to be involved. I don't just run off to "hang out with the boys." I give her opportunities to be involved, and if she chooses to stay at home instead of come out with me, that's totally her decision. Or if she needs a night in with me, I cancel plans to spend time with her. I spend enough time with her that it's not a big deal if I want to go do something on my own every now and then.
2.) I'm legally committed to this relationship (marriage), so if a better opportunity for a relationship comes along, I can't just see where it takes me. My options are to cheat, or go through a lengthy divorce process before proceeding. Or do nothing and remain loyal to my spouse. It's too risky/costly to attempt the first two, so I just don't bother looking for other opportunities. I vowed to be loyal, so unless my wife makes my life a living nightmare, I'm sticking with her until the end.
3.) Aligning life goals can be difficult if you didn't talk it out before committing to a serious relationship. And in the early years of a relationship, who wants to discuss the rest of your life together? It's easy to get invested in someone whose life plans don't match up with yours. So you have to live with compromise. Some dreams, you have to give up. Same goes for your partner.
4.) Unless your partner is responsible with finances, expect to have trouble keeping track of your money. Or just maintain separate bank accounts. Hopefully your partner isn't a golddigger. My wife cares more about spending time with me than spending my money, so we have a healthy relationship. And there's nothing wrong with spending money on someone you love. But if it seems like your partner only cares about your money and will leave you if/when the money dries up, it's better to leave that relationship as soon as possible.
5.) Relationships are a gamble. You never know if it's going to go smoothly, or if your partner is just using you for something until a better opportunity passes by. Hopefully you have a healthy relationship, and the cornerstone to that is trust and communication. But there are always master manipulators out there who will convince you that you need to stay in a relationship with them, even if it doesn't make you happy. They'll convince you that being lonely is worse than being in a broken/abusive relationship. If your partner starts isolating you from friends/family and doesn't let you make decisions, you're in an abusive relationship and need to get out immediately!
You sound like you're in a lovely relationship!
What kind of compromises would you consider healthy vs. unhealthy in a partnership?
Healthy: Discussing and evaluating goals, dreams, desires, etc. and coming to a mutually beneficial agreement or understanding on a way forward.
Unhealthy: Being told your dreams/goals/desires/etc. are not reasonable and to give up on them (or change them to the benefit of your partner) for the sake of a continued relationship.
Yes, sometimes to do have to give up on a dream due to changing situations, and it sucks, but it should always be your decision. If someone gives you the ultimatum (choose me or your dreams), there's no room for discussion or true compromise.