i've been on hrt for over 2 years now and have almost nothing to show for it. my levels are fine, i remember to talk it every morning and night, but it just does so, so little for me. i've recently found out that this just happens to some people, for some unlucky people it just doesn't do much. people kept telling me that i'd see the most amount of changes in year one, then when that came and went people were like "oh no no year 2 is when things will really start happening" and now year 2 has came and went and still nothing

i feel like a fake when i tell people my name, like i'm lying to them. i'm out to basically everyone in my life but i still don't look like a woman. i try my fucking hardest, i do everything in my power but the more overtly feminine a thing is the most masculine i feel when i try and fail at it

i want to be a woman, but i know most people i interact with on a daily basis will not see me that way, and i don't see myself as a woman either

i cried last night thinking about reintroducing myself to people as my deadname, but it also was weirdly comforting in a way? like coming clean with a lie, like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. like running from the police and getting caught, the relief of not having to hide any more, the worst thing has come to pass and so you don't have to worry anymore, there's nothing left to lose

i don't really want to detransition, but i don't want to keep being embarrassed and ashamed when telling people my preferred name either

i don't really see myself being happy either way. i will be unhappy trying and failing at being a woman, i will be unhappy living life as a man again. but living as a man will be easier, it will be so much less stressful, it will lift this weight off of me

i think i'd stay on hrt even if i socially detransition, which is stupid because i just said it doesn't do anything, but the idea of being on testosterone again fills me with panic. i guess that means there is still a part of me that has hope? that maybe year 3 really will just magically be my year

i don't know what i'm going to end up doing