Reporter: Good evening, everyone. Tonight, we bring you an exclusive interview with the late former President, Joe Biden. This interview will be conducted via seance using the blood from White House interns which were bitten by President Biden’s dogs, Major and Champ. Our summoning this evening will be the ritualistic smoking of marijuana, to be smoked from a bong belonging to President Biden’s son, Hunter, who will also be our medium this evening.
(faint background sound of lighter and bubbling, followed by a cough.)
Reporter: Mr. President, I have it that are you here with us right now?
Biden: Yes I am, thank you for having me this evening.
Reporter: Thank you so much for joining us tonight. How are you feeling Mr. President? Additionally, if it would not disturb the eternal rest of your spirit, we would like to ask you a few questions about your experience regarding the lead up to the 2026 Leadership Crisis and 2028 election.
Biden: It’s my pleasure. I feel as though my true and universal self has been restored, freed my mortal body. I've got nothing but time now, so go ahead and fire away, bud.
Reporter: That’s great to hear. Thank you again. Let's get straight to the heart of the matter. In the wake of all the turmoil that has shaken our nation since you assumed office again in 2024, there’s been a lot of speculation about the Democratic Party's desired strategy for the 2024 election and beyond. Can you shed some light on this?
Biden: Ah, the strategy? Jeez. Alright. Well let’s get one thing straight- as an immortal spirit I have the ability to recall, with perfect clarity, the events which occurred to me during my lifetime, even if I didn’t understand them at the time. My caretaking team in the lead up to the 2024 election knew I wouldn’t make it to 2028. Can't say I blame 'em. When you look back at the state I was in, I mean cmon man. Anyway, after about 7pm most evenings, I could overhear staffers discussing the Party’s main plan regarding how to deal with the calls for me to resign.
Interviewer: Yes we all remember those. They were happening amongst insiders as well?
Biden: Of course. The plan was to do whatever it took to keep me going until halfway through the term and hope my condition deteriorated enough that they’d convince to step down and let Kamala finish out through 2028.
Reporter: So, the goal was for you to serve just over 50% of your term, allowing Vice President Harris to finish it out and potentially run for two more terms?
Biden: That's the gist of it. If Kamala takes over after the halfway point, she can run in 2028 and 2032. That's ten years of Harris in the White House. Quite the marathon. Glad it wasn’t me.
(more bubbling, coughing in the background)
Reporter: Mr. President are you still with us?
Biden: Hey Mack, aren’t you the one conducting the interview? You know I’ve already passed on.
Reporter: Always the comedian. We always admired that about you, sir.
Biden: Alright that’s enough buttering me up, let’s get back to business.
Reporter: Of course– So Mr.President, let’s dig in a little bit deeper here. It's been suggested that the Democrats wanted to avoid any intra-party democratic process for as long as possible. There are, of course, the events surrounding the superdelegates within the 2016 primary, and then the collaborative drop-ours of 2020 that ended with your own nomination as the Democratic presidential candidate. Likewise, many would argue that there was no “real” presidential primary in your 2024 nomination either. There is speculation that after the scares the Democratic Party received in 2016 and 2020 at the hands of Bernie Sanders, they wanted to avoid as much outside input as possible. Because Vice President Harris assumed your duties more than halfway through your term, She will be eligible for two more full terms as President. The Democrats now appear to have a path to continue the legacies of 2016, 2020, and 2024 until the 2036 election cycle begins. What's your take on that?
Biden: Bernie Sanders scared the bejeezus out of 'em in 2016. A real eye opener. The Democratic Party thought that after 2016, in the wake of Trump, they gave enough concessions to the voters that they’d be placated and ready to play ball with us in 2020. He came back even stronger. Listen, we did what we had to do to keep him at bay. No can deny the rules in 2016 favored Hillary, and we couldn’t give off that appearance again in 2020 or 24. It would have destroyed us. It wasn’t exactly a fair fight, but you can’t say we broke the rules.
Reporter: On the topic of 2020 and Kamala Harris: There's talk that your mental decline was already apparent even then, and that you may not have been the final say in her selection as VP. Care to comment?
Biden: Look. Let's just say I had a lot of help making decisions. Kamala was never the crowd favorite, but the party needed someone they could rely on more than anything. They wanted her to be the crown princess, and they handpicked her just for that. When we look back, you can see that ever since President Obama’s final term ended, the Democrats have had no face of the party. Republicans, they have Trump. But Democrats? They had Hillary and myself. I said I’d do it for them in 2016, and it might have worked, but their minds were made up, and by 2020 it was too late for me to be the face of the party. So they picked someone that they could mold into any image they chose, and that’s Kamala.
Reporter: I see. So you two never got along?
Biden: She and I never exactly butted heads, but we also never headed butts, you know what I mean? Listen. Go back to the 2020 primaries. Even I could tell back then that we didn’t see eye to eye. But when the time came and the party asked her to step up and change some views, she did what she had to and so did I.
Reporter. I see, Mr. President. (Doorbell rings) Oh shit– I mean sorry. One second– (muted as if hand is covering the mic) Hunter can you grab that? Yeah it’s the– What? Oh yeah no worries I have cash in my wallet. Yeah, foyer table. Sorry about that Mr. President, so let’s fast forwar– (mutes, again) WHAT?
Biden: What?
Reporter: Tip? I don’t know just… yeah ok that’s fine. Again, my apologies Mr. President. So, as I was saying, let’s fast forward to your presidency. There were reports that Kamala Harris was effectively acting as president in many capacities since early 2022. How did that dynamic play out?
Biden: Busy over there huh? Was that Michelangelo’s or Napoli? Michelangelo’s has the best Nonna slice.
Reporter: Michelangelo’s, sir. So, back to the question: looking back on your presidency, there were reports that Kamala Harris was effectively acting as president in many capacities since early 2022. Is that true, and if so, can you give us some insight on how that dynamic played out?
(muted) no it’s fine it’s just– you tipped him the 50 that was in there? For just two pizzas and garlic knots?
Biden: Yes, even in 2022 things were pretty dire. My health wasn’t failing the way it was in 2026, but honestly there were days where I couldn’t remember a thing I did. The party didn’t try to get me to step down the way they did when they started talking about using the 25th on me in my second term, so I was hanging in there alright enough. No denying that Kamala and the staff were doing a heavy load of work behind the scenes though. Maybe a 45% 55% split between us, and some days she’d be the 55%.
Reporter: Those are some pretty serious numbers. You’re sure you are remembering correctly?
Biden: I’m sure. Once one passes into the afterlife they gain perfect clairvoyance about events surrounding them during their lifetime.
Reporter: So would you say that, in a way, your detractors are correct in saying that Vice President Harris was the acting president during your first term?
Biden: I think it depends who you ask, but by the time the 2024 election cycle rolled around, it certainly wasn’t me who was usually in charge, but it wasn’t Kamala either.
Reporter: Thank you for that. Our audience has a lot to chew on there, I’m sure. Now let’s pivot a bit: As we all know, your official resignation came in early 2027, and Vice President Harris assumed the office of President. Of course, this was a tumultuous time for the country. No respite was found in the following months, with Justice Clarence Thomas publicly announcing his late stage cancer diagnosis in July, and subsequent passing on September 11 of that same year. Not even a month later, on October 6, we got news of the tragic car accident involving Justice Elena Kagan and her passing on the following morning. At the time, how aware of these events were you, and in your personal opinion, how did they did these events shape the political landscape?
Biden: Jeez. It was a real mess. When the first Supreme Court seat opened up I remembered the later years of my time serving under President Obama, and how the seat was left vacant until after the election. Our nation was in absolute turmoil. But when that second seat opened up with Justice Kagan’s passing, Kamala was under immense pressure, and her poll numbers were in the tank; just the lowest we’ve ever seen. Voters seemed even more concerned than the Democratic Party leadership was, but they were just worrying about crossing the finish line next November, since they couldn’t appoint the Justices until after this term. Lucky me, I got to pass away before election season really kicked up so I missed the wor–
Reporter: Mr. President, please hold that thought. We are some credible reports breaking right now that President Kamala Harris has struck a deal with Republican Party leadership to run as their presidential candidate in 2028. One second… Let’s see here– Reports are citing that her anti-trans policies as California’s Attorney General and tough-on-crime history as “Top Cop”, plus anti-immigration rhetoric have strongly resonated with the Republican voter base. The phrase “Do not come.” is trending across all platforms. I’ve never seen anything like this. Mr. President, are you still there? What’s your take on all of this? Expert political acumen, or an attempt to save her hide?
Biden: Well, that's how it is in Washington. You know that. That’s certainly a massive hole in the Democratic strategy for the next few years though. I’ll see what I can do from my end. Maybe I’ll see if Senator McCain wants to come back and give the Democratic nomination a shot. Or President Carter could give it another go? He’s still eligible for one more term, and about in as good of shape as I ever was in office.
Reporter: President Biden, thank you so much for your time. One last question for today: Do you have any insight for us from the afterlife?
Biden: Yes. The Jehovah’s Witnesses were the correct ones.
Reporter: I’m sorry Mr. President, what was that again?
Biden: The Jehovah’s Witnesses. They were right about everything. There are actually only 144,000 total spaces in heaven and honestly most of them are filled already. Everybody will be stuck in a permanent cycle of death and rebirth, never experiencing what heavenly rule is like alongside Christ in the Kingdom of God. I’m certainly not up there, but things are pretty much the same in purgatory as they were in my mind before I passed anyway.
Reporter: Well, there there you have it, folks. The Jehovah’s Witnesses were right. This has been a Pig Press Bulletin News Network exclusive. Thank you for tuning in.
