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Anyone else feel this way? (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 months ago by tactical_trans_karen@hexbear.net to c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net

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I just need to share some meandering thoughts, please bear with me.

The way I think and feel emotions is strange to me. I've spent so much time in my own head conceptualizing things I can't always process my own thoughts.

I feel like there's this veil over all my perception that I can just barely catch a sense is there. I especially get it when listening to music with certain ethereal sounds. Sleep is another avenue where I try to press on this boundary, but I've never felt like I've broken through. I have a vague spiritual sense about it and I feel like realizing my trans identity was the biggest turn towards understanding it. I'm also neurodivergent with ADHD and a good bit of trauma, when I started my stimulant meds it made all these things more manageable, but there's still this uncomfortable disquiet always on my mind. Anyone else feel this way or something akin to it?

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[–] Yor@hexbear.net 5 points 2 months ago

I definitely do, but I think the source of that is complicated. CPTSD with dissociation as my go to coping strategy took a while for me to sort through and, even though I have a better handle on it now, it can still make things cloudy. I also try to be careful about letting my my mind drift or wander too much, cause I can really just exist in thoughts for a long time if I let myself. Part of that was definitely due to waiting to transition until I was in a safe place, but it's also trauma from non-trans related things that happened where I grew up. It's definitely annoying and feels like there are days where a significant amount my energy goes to staying present and anything past that is difficult