Dude is out there trying new things and getting experience. Once he stops looking for approval from everyone he'll be much happier
Yep. It's good to step out of your comfort zone and learn something new. Will you always succeed? Of course not, but the journey will teach you something about yourself.
He'll discover he was never lost. Simply had to march to the beat of his own drum.
The problem is that he doesn't always follow through.
He should at least try it. He can always quit later.
Toxic masculinity is bad. Men's liberation is good. Look up Men's liberation if you struggle with feeling "manly".
Sincerely,
A Fucking Combat Infantry Veteran
(For real, patriarchal rules are made up and the points don't matter)
Let me jump in and hit you with: Any rule/role that is assigned to just one gender is (as far as I can tell) harmful and toxic and should be ignored. With that in mind, what does gender actually do for society? IMO: Nothing. Abolish the concept of gender.
Oh absolutely.
Yeah anyone who demands masculinity of you isn’t worth your time. Focus on emotional maturity and stability, not the bullshit stoicism some people expect of men
That was always just trauma. So much trauma. That was the secret sauce for that stoicism.
Thank you for your fucking service.
Hehe, I like a little satire now and then.
Oh interesting. I'm also a cis hetero male but very feminist and a bit queer.
For me I've never had this push to be masculine since I was young. I would never have been able to fit in in the army or another toxic masculine organisation. Or even being barked orders at, I could not deal with that. I've never been capable of being a "team player". But I have always been OK with being different. But I was not aware of this movement. I will read more about it.
Always glad to spread the idea. And it's about more than personal masculinity, it's about looking at the rules society puts around men too. Much like we're trying to break the stereotypes around women in Feminism, Men's liberation does that for us.
Just wanted to bandwagon and thank you also. This is basically what I believe and espouse but now I know there's a broader term! Much appreciated!
To me I see this as a classic struggle many men have in a patriarchal society. Op is constantly wanting to be "manly" through having sex, taking a "manly" job that doesn't fit with their true self, and feels in order to be a full human they need to be extraverted and with that usually comes a domination mindset.
A great podcast for the lads here who are struggling with that is the "Man Enough" podcast. I felt so seen by it and moments where I was in tears.
Men find themselves in an awkward position of being both the victim and perpetrator of a patriarchal society.
Welding is a good trade and plenty of welders are introverts. At the shop I work at, most of the welders are introverts, with one notable extrovert that nobody likes. Welding is a solitary craft due to safety constraints, it's just you and the part in your weld cell.
You don't need to be an extrovert to prove yourself. If you want to prove yourself, you could work on becoming a very skilled welder. Learn the methods, master them, pay attention to details, perfect your craft, learn to weld exotic materials, and your introverted self will be revered and paid handsomely for your abilities. None of that requires you to be a loud dudebrochug.
If you're comfortable on computers, add robot welding to your repertoire. That is the hot new thing, and could make you even more money since your setups will allow you to put out even more parts with less manual labor.
Also robot welders don't get the health side effects of a lifetime of welding. My first job in IT was for a place that was on the front edge of robot welding in '98. We had a couple of guys that were in their 60s that could barely breathe or see that toddled around the shop floor. I found out that those guys were the "real" welders that would tell the computer guys what they needed to change in the code to get the plasma cutter to do its cut properly, welder to do the weld correctly, etc.
Side note, plasma cutters are awesome. We stuck a VW bug in the thing and cut it in half in about 30 seconds.
It just kinda sounds like OP is growing up, and a big part of that is embracing who you are, faults and all. You learn that masculinity is a stupid concept and one that is largely unattainable for many, and you also learn that outward perception often isn't the full reality of someone's life.
I've known manly guys that are struggling with demons, family men with a string of former partners that lost their virginity to a hooker in their late twenties, autistic people that embraced their lot in life and have great success, and people with millions in the bank that are struggling to get by. We've all got our own shit to deal with, and in the nicest possible way, no one cares about your issues. We make do, and we live with it.
My father was very successful and read the memoire of someone he knew in business who he thought "had life figured out." Seeing that the guy struggled internally with all the same problems we all have changed his life. His telling me that story changed mine. We're all human; even those who seem to have a perfect life live with doubt and anxiety. It just manifests in different ways and we cope in different ways.
Having sex with a hooker (especially if you pick a nice one that's good at girlfriend experience) because you're feeling left out because of not having sex is not a bad idea IMO. It can really break open this imaginary barrier that otherwise keeps growing bigger and bigger because you think about it too much and idolise it.
Not really as a means of "justifying your masculinity". But just for not putting sex on a pedestal so much and normalising it. There's nothing wrong with that IMO. Because not doing it will make interactions with women ever more stressful if you think that sex might be in the cards, and that's not really conducive for making a real connection.
I'm at this point at 30, despite living alone, having a stable job and not overweight or particularly unattractive.
Maybe I'll have to try that, just for the experience to know how it feels. But I'm still heavily hesitant due the ethics of it.
legality wise, I live 20 minutes from the German border, so that is not an issue, but I have no clue how to search and find a reputable, ethical brothel.
Good idea! I think it will help you feel more relaxed about it.
There isn't really an ethical issue if you pick her well. I usually go for independent girls (the ones not working in a brothel). In fact I was even in a relationship with a sex worker and I am 100% sure she and her friends were doing it fully voluntarily and even liked the work (we sometimes spoke about doing something else and she wasn't too interested). We often talked about her work and it was kinda cool, sometimes a friend of hers had a client and we'd have to sneak outside so he wouldn't see us. And then we'd be cuddling on the couch hearing them go at it.
Of course there are some forced girls but this is mainly in the more dodgy brothels. I mean really you will know when you set foot in there. You will feel it immediately. Just walk away. I have had to do this once or twice in my life. In one case I had already chosen a girl but I could see it in her eyes so I just paid up and left. But really, this is with the more dodgy places only.
What I could recommend is going to a "Sauna club". It's a German phenomenon where you just go into a sauna kinda place wearing one of those towel coats, and you can eat there and relax in the pool and there's a whole load of working girls around. You can chat with them and pick one you like. Then you pay her and you go to a room in the place. It's less forced than a normal brothel where the girls just come in a line and shake your hand and you have to decide immediately. The good thing about having more time is that you can also mention it's your first time and see how she reacts. Buy her a drink first (yes they will be expensive because you're also paying for some of her time). If she makes you feel comfortable you will have a better time. If not just don't go with her and let another one approach you. In these places they come to you. I have had some of my best times in those places. Also, don't forget you can 'pull out' (pun intended) any time. You don't even have to go the whole way the first time if you're not comfortable. Just go as far as you feel good. You still have to pay the full amount of course. But I'm guessing money is not really the problem.
Another thing I do a lot is to pick girls that work from home independently. Where I live there are some forums where the girls are active too and you can just tell by the way they respond and the reviews from other customers, which are nice. I tend to go to regular girls while I'm not in a relationship (or when I'm in an open one, though rarely) so they know me and I know them. Three of them also became friends in real life and one became my girlfriend for a while.
But anyway, one thing I want to stress to you: I felt also awkward about doing this the first time. But now I regret not doing it earlier. Life is too short not to enjoy it. Sex is fun. I don't care about how "my first time" came to pass, it doesn't matter at all. Most people's first times are in fact not too great, usually a haze of drink and stumbling around. But of course these things are super personal and sex is a loaded subject. Don't ever force yourself. If it doesn't feel right there is always another time.
I felt bad the first time because of the stigma around prostitution but seeing how some other guys get 'hookups' I don't feel so bad now. In some ways this is fairer. You don't have to tell a girl she is the only one in the world, feed her drinks, trying to coax her into going with you. It's just a fair and square agreement between two people. Some guys really lie to girls and don't care about them at all. I used to look up to them but now I'm glad I'm not like that.
Anyway if I can give you more advice let me know. I was also a late virgin. And even though I did this I am still having a hard time chatting up girls. It will probably not solve all your problems but it will make you feel much less 'left out'. At least it did for me.
PS: Sorry for the long story but I kinda wish someone had given me that talk back in the day so I just wanted to help.
Most people’s first times are in fact not too great
Mine was awkward as fuck. It's a story I've told online before, so I won't bother to do so again. I couldn't finish. Looking back, nbd.
I couldn’t finish.
Me neither 😅 I was too nervous.
What I meant to say was, some people try to wait to make their first time perfect. But generally that doesn't really tend to be the case anyway, so I don't think there is any point in holding off experimenting. It also makes that first time extra stressful because you're worried about getting things 'right'. And sex and stress do in my experience not go very well together.
Thanks for the information!
Portraying yourself as a anime kid for one
Nope. Animation is just as valid as if he painted a picture of a screaming man. This right here is part of the problem men have. We can't have expressive things without someone judging us.
This isn't funny or memorable, this is just kinda sad. Let introverts be comfy!
Not all introverts want to be isolated though, a lot of of us struggle with inclusion.
There are actual sex therapists who specialize in this kind of thing.
Book suggestion to face this times : My universities - Gorky.
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