this post was submitted on 04 Jun 2024
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Relationship Advice

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My boyfriends girl best friend (lemmy.world)
submitted 5 months ago by carina_pletschi@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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so I have a very bad experience with girl best friend situations from my ex boyfriend. Which was also one of the many reasons why I broke up with him. Basically putting her first, her calling in the middle of the night to ask him to drive her home from the city (which he did) and much more. It just left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Fast forward to my now boyfriend who I adore a lot. He’s a sweetheart and treats me very well. We live in different countries which is a 5 hour train ride to see each other. We started texting through Tinder and have been together for a year and three months now. I knew from the beginning that he has a girl friend who is also his ex. She was a very big problem at the beginning and had a lot of fights because of my bad experience. They would text all the time, had two trips booked when we weren’t together yet, she also tried to call in the middle of the night cause she had a bad high, she would send almost 3 minute long audios, etc. She lives in my home country and when they used to be together they wouldn’t see each other often cause the travel there would take around 12 hours. We see each other almost every weekend. Last time they’ve seen each other was in December 2023 cause I was okay with them meeting somewhere in the middle for a few hours while he was at my place for New Years. He really wanted me to come with him but I had already made plans with friends at the time. The situation got a lot better now and I feel more confident in our relationship. He would be happy if we could meet up together at some point and I’m a bit nervous about it. They have been close friends and have a lot in common. Do you guys have any tips on how to handle this situation when it’s time for meeting her, what to do and not to do,….. how do I handle this?

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[–] Adverb@lemmynsfw.com 17 points 5 months ago

Either you trust him or you don't. If you're uncomfortable, then tell him. If you're just basing this in the past, remember he's a different person from your ex. Also, if it feels wrong, then trust your instincts. Good luck. And don't let jealousy ruin a good thing.

[–] sabreW4K3@lazysoci.al 7 points 5 months ago

Just go and be yourself. Remember you both have your respect and appreciation of your boyfriend in common, so you're bound to get on just fine.

[–] Linus_Torvalds@lemmy.world 6 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I feel like there are two different issues at play here:

  • OP being not very confortable with their boyfriend meeting his ex. This is something you two have to communicate over, set boundaries and build trust.

  • The triple meetup. I would recommend that you actively try to not be jealous or overprotective. Rather, see it like he would be introducing you to his best friend. Try to befriend them or at least be friendly. Be interested. Try to understand why he likes her. She might be very cool!

[–] TheBest@midwest.social 4 points 5 months ago

Agreed, it may help to reframe this not as a competition for your boyfriends attention but maybe rather as meeting her will expand your friend group? I don't think its weird for my partner to text with my friends, so maybe its worth it to see her, spend some time with her, and get to know a person your partner highly values.

Definitely an optimistic viewpoint, but one that's lead to my personal happiness with my partner.

[–] JoMiran@lemmy.ml 5 points 5 months ago

People do not always work out as romantic partners, but you still really like that person. It can sometimes take a while to stop confusing intimate friendship with romantic feelings. Often times, once you do realize that the person is extremely important to you as a friend, you don't try to dip back into the romance well because you do jot want to jeopardize the valuable friendship. In other words, as time goes being good friends with an ex or with someone you have had sex with becomes more and more common.

Something else to keep in mind is that you cannot stop someone from being unfaithful if they want to be. All you can do is be kind and faithful to yourself and those you care about, and hope to receive the same in return. Be with your BF. Be with his friend. Maybe you might like her and end up with a lifelong friendship. The only way to find out is to open yourself to others rather than push away because they might betray and hurt you. Control what you can and don't sweat what you can't.