No Stupid Questions

The only one of those responses you listed that might not make people upset is this one:

‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’

All of the others are going to go over poorly, if you are concerned about that.

‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’

This won't be taken well at all and sounds incredibly assholish.

‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’ < I find it ludicrous even having to explain this.

Still kinda rude IMO

‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’

Depending on the situation could also be rude.

‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’

Yes, this is good. Firm and clear.

‘all right, I need time to unwind, which means today I’ll spend my pause somewhere else.’ and proceed to eat alone somewhere else. And if they pester yet again: ‘leave me alone’

How about just "Sorry, I don't feel like talking right now." except you say that every time like a broken record. They'll move on eventually since you never have anything to add.

Humans are social animals, you're the odd one out here from a social perspective, not that you're not entitled to that choice but choices have consequences.

I'd suggest just ignoring them. You aren't going to find a better work environment anywhere else unless you literally have no coworkers.

I would go full chaos route and lie differently to each one. Just so they have no clue what is going on.

They ask about weekend plans. Went to a concert, stayed home doing nothing, went to the beach.

Pester you about relationship status. You have a partner, to just broke up, you have no interest in dating ATM, your divorced.

Throw a wrench at them. Confusing them for entertainment.

Gossips will tend to respond to outright rejection by gossiping about you instead, and being a man in a predominantly woman's field is gonna mean that gossip can get very dangerous for you and your career very quickly.

Remember, gossip doesn't have to be true to still be hot, and scorned gossips will be more than happy to exploit that to the fullest to spite you.

Don't tell them you don't care about religion and politics either, because even if you don't women have learned from shitbags to translate that to "I may or may not have been at the capital on Jan 6th and held a bonfire celebration burning IUDs when Dobbs came down, but I still want to get laid ever."

My advise, try just being boring. Contribute duds to any conversations they try to involve you in where you're uncomfortable.

Most importantly speak to a supervisor you feel you can trust to not tell the gossips and tell them the gossip makes you uncomfortable so that if the boring act doesn't work and they start gossiping on you already, there's a previous record indicating they might do that and it'll at least insulate your future career prospects.

As for sex life talk, women are under two impressions, 1, that they aren't being raunchy when they talk about their sex lives, and 2, that men do it way more and are way grosser about it.

It is entirely possible that they keep bringing up sex lives because they're trying to relate to you and extravert adopt you, so if you gently explain that you don't feel comfortable talking about sex with coworkers you might find yourself in a more open conversation about mixed signals and how you all can create a better working relationship.

Some people keep trying to talk to ya because they really do just want to be friends! That sounds obvious but trust me it's hard to actually internalize that to the point that you can believe it when it's happening to you. Missed out on chill compsci bonding time with this pretty cool dude named gabe because I didn't get that he was being so spontaneously friendly to me so much because he's just a friendly guy. I met tech wiz Ned Flanders and it didn't register to me for a solid year lol.

You strike me as a bit of an introvert so I'll add, uncomfortable but tactful conversations now can save you exponentially more awkward and embarrassing ones later.

Having a good relationship with coworkers is in general great in my opinion and talking about personal life, politics and religion can be avoided with for example:

• "I'm not that into politics"
• "sorry, I don't like talking about religion"
• "Sorry, that's a part I like to keep private" Also always steer conversations towards work topics and problems.

Then there are ways to differently stop conversations like

• "Sorry, I'm feeling tired today" < all nurses should relate
• "Sorry, I'm not in the mood for talking right now"

Then there's the general fact that often you don't really don't have to say anything as long as you listen and ask exploratory questions. I'm autistic and can barely keep a conversation going but this goes pretty well for me without a lot of effort. Just say stuff like:

• "So you're saying that [literally rephrasing their point]"
• "So does that mean that..."
• "That must have been tricky"
• "That sounds hard/tricky/difficult"
• "Did you manage?"
• "So what did you do/end up doing?"
• "That sucks"

And if they somehow end up being sad and almost crying which happens more often than I'd like to admit you can just say "That sucks" put a hand on their shoulder and wait.

Another option would be to invite them to silence like:

• "I'm spent, do you want to sit over there, relax and eat in silence?"

People are sometimes uncomfortable with silence but not as much when it's on purpose.

It's just conversation lubricant. If you feel like the conversation is interesting then "Have you thought about doing X?".

I can't stress enough how much people will like you by just actively listening.

But always, be like the British monarchy, never take sides. Instead propose neutral hypotheticals like "Maybe they were having a bad day". I've been in my fair share of gossip but acting as Switzerland manages to just avoid most of it. When people say "Why are you hanging out with X" then responding with "They never did anything to me". If really pressed for opinion then say "I don't know all the details so I can't really give an honest opinion". If they still press you after that you have my condolences since that's toxic.

Sounds like a one sided arrangement that's only good for you and not for the cohesion of the group. What's the actual problem with connecting to/socialising with people?

I get that it's annoying sometimes, and it's fine to have limits. But you're working in a place where other people are working, some people need socialising just like you need space. It's give and take. You're just asking for special treatment because you're introverted?

Sorry but the excuse that it's 'just work' is bullshit. You have responsibility, you're an adult, different people different needs, be accommodating to get accommodation.

Some people are going to be offended unless you participate in their games. In the army I had someone tell me he was going to punch me if I didn't drink at a get together. So I drank. I probably would've anyway, but he was super weird about it.

Redirect conversation, be noncommittal, let yourself get pulled away by duties, etc. Eventually if you're lucky you just won't be in the clique any more. But they're never going to understand what you're telling them without offense because they just don't want to. There is no polite, easy way to do this that isn't going to upset them. They will feel like you think you're better than them.

My whole team and I work remotely, so it’s not the exact same situation as you, but I made a concerted effort from day one to set social boundaries with my colleagues. First week on the job my manager found out I’m single and offered to set me up with people. I acted very weird about it, purposefully exaggerating how uncomfortable the offer made me, and she got the hint. We have a very friendly and cordial working relationship, but she no longer pries into my personal life unless I volunteer information. Been happily working under her for four years now.

That work/life separation quickly filtered down to the rest of my colleagues, to the point where now they act a little weird when a company call starts to get personal. Mission accomplished.

I think the key thing is that you’ll never get through to people if they can’t read social cues. Sounds like your workplace cliques are filled with those types of oblivious folks, so you might just need to be completely explicit about keeping things fully professional. I’m lucky that my manager is emotionally intelligent, but that’s pretty rare these days.

Good luck!!

Edit: queues to cues

I work with nurses. The vast majority of them are lovely people, but I've seen the nurse cliques you are talking about. So has my wife, who also works with nurses. I've seen departments of nurses with that "mean girl" vibe that require long-term HR intervention because they are so toxic to one another.

If you see this kind of behavior, run for the hills. However, if you are just talking about normal human interaction to pass the time and socialize, then it is you who are not conforming to normal social expectations. You don't have to conform, of course, but there are consequences to being anti-social.

The question is, are you an introvert or a misanthrope? An introvert needs alone time to recharge and that's fine. A misanthrope doesn't like people, no doubt because of some childhood trauma. If the latter, then therapy might help.

If you truly are an introvert who needs alone time to recharge, I'd suggest "going home to check on the dog" during your break. Even if you don't have a dog. The point is that you need alone time and that's perfectly valid.

If you are generally sociable, but simply find their particular conversation boring or insipid, I'd suggest training for something where the work culture is more professional. Regular hospital floor nursing almost always has a "break room culture" and it is easy to get trapped in it, but there are lots of alternatives. Learn surgical assisting, for example, or become a nurse practitioner. Street nursing, public health nursing, and home care nursing are all examples where there is no real break room culture. Or get into management, where there are no breaks.

I can tell you that what works for me is to be polite but distant. I’ll say “good morning!” to my coworkers and “have a good night!” At the end of the shift. I’ll be helpful when needed, and I’ll do my best to work well with others.

However, I’ll keep an “out” handy for when people get gossipy or nosy. I’ll bring a book along to read during breaks and at lunch, or I’ll keep something work-related in my hands when I’m around a group of coworkers, as an indicator to the group that I’m not wanting to chat.

I’ve also gotten good at turning conversation back around on really chatty, insistent people. “No, I don’t have a favorite color. What’s yours?” “Yes, I do think that patient looks like Elvis, are you a fan of his?” “No, I don’t have a dog. Do you?” Basically, be really boring with your answers, but let them keep talking about themselves, as they’re likely tire themselves out eventually. Works if you can stand it, and if you can do your job with a coworker talking at you for an hour. Last resort, and all that.

Of the examples you’ve given as responses, I think the only one that doesn’t make you come across as dickish is the one stating that you don’t want to talk about religion or politics, and even then, you sound like an asshole when you state this.

Instead of “‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’”, you could say something like “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this”. It’s shorter and way less aggressive, and people are more likely to listen to you when you’re not all up in their face over a question, you know?

“‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’” For the record, I also think it’s ludicrous that you feel you have to say this. Maybe you could word it a little differently though, something like “I don’t mean for you to take it personally, I’m just a private person, and prefer to keep my home life at home”

“‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’” could be “Not to be a buzzkill, but mind if we keep this conversation on work?”

You'll likely run in to a little bit of trouble because you're having to make explicit what would have been better for them to have inferred and when it's made explicit like that, it will come across as very weird to people and they'll probably have some trouble not taking it personally (even if they shouldn't).

Some understanding of the general tenor of how this group talks would make for better ways to communicate what you want to say but as general advice, your proposed ways of addressing this seem like they're on the right track in spirit but you're phrasing them in ways that imply a note of contempt.

This is probably because you really do harbour some contempt for these guys given the way you described them, like calling them childish for example. If you actually want to express some of that animosity then your suggestions are probably fine but if you're concerned about the "right" way to set these boundaries you might want to try and keep it neutral. This is also good if you don't want to earn their contempt either which is probably advisable even if you don't like them very much since you have to work with them and if they feel offended and hold a grudge it could risk spilling over in to the actual work.

I like your idea of saying outright that you're not a talkative person, hopefully they'll feel a little guilty about having forced you in to having to say that and will not try to drag you in to the conversation so much from then on. The additional bits around that concept don't seem advisable, you don't have to chastise them for not realising you don't want to talk, that's likely to be unproductive, the point is you don't want to talk. Similarly the "and I hope you respect that" addition is good for being firm but also comes across a little aggressive, best deployed only if you've already made your wishes explicit and they're clearly not respecting that.

Eating elsewhere, if that's an option is great, it you can already opt for that do it, you can avoid even having to bring anything up and the physical separation makes questioning you about it really inconvenient. If they ask you about it later that's when you can say you need time to unwind and that's also by far the most socially acceptable and understandable reason that people are less likely to take personally. I don't know if you resent the idea that your reasons have to be socially acceptable to these guys or should have to be massaged to avoid them taking things personally, but ask yourself this: do you want to teach them a lesson and demonstrate your contempt for them, or do you want to just be left alone to work and to continue to work effectively with them? Pragmatism over principle would make sense here.

If it gets to the point where you have to actually say to another adult, in a work environment, "leave me alone" then odds are it probably won't even work and your coworkers are complete idiots that need to be fired. However if that's really the case, saying that, even if it doesn't work is probably good since at that point things are probably going to escalate and at least no one can say you did or said anything inappropriate.

In short, take the easiest route if possible and just eat somewhere else at lunch and redirect the conversation back to work if they keep talking to you during work. If you end up somehow having absolutely no other remaining options but to explicitly tell them you don't want to talk be careful to communicate in a way so you only express this simple desire and don't imply some sort of judgement or contempt towards them. Try to be nice about it.

You said you were out sick for 4 weeks? Do they know why? Maybe you could spin that, say "sorry, I got some scarring in my throat and talking can make it worse, so I really need to only talk about work or I'll be up all night in pain". Or something like that.

Or you could try "sorry, I like working with you, and I know I've talked in the past, but I need to admit that I have Asperger's/autism, and trying to make small talk is very stressful for me, so I hope you're not offended but I feel like I'm going to burn out unless I make some changes like sticking to only work-oriented discussions from now on. Thank you for your understanding."

Bonus points if you type that up and hand it to people, like you can't even tell it to then directly.

I know both my answers are "lie in a way that makes you look abnormal" which you may feel like isn't something you should have to do. Which is true. But you want to minimize them thinking you're judging them, and they KNOW you are able to talk, so the best way I see is to make them think it's a problem you have, not about them.

🤷‍♂️ Good luck!