started eating instant noodles that had a rip in the paper top (but the plastic wrap was intact)

thought about botulism and now i'm not hungry anymore

Again, just got up.

I really want to move to a bigger city and start everything from scratch. Leave all the people and places associated with my my old life behind. But I'm probably just gonna be stuck here forever instead

Social media is icky. Just scrolling makes me jealous, wishing I were being tagged in stuff, "on the inside" of whatever is happening.

I bought some thrift store capris that feel very comfy and am excited to wear them

My gender is “opening my backpack to find 4 different microcontrollers and a bloodwork requisition form”

Dysphoria, transphobia/exploitation

Tried looking up "transfemme fashion" on pinterest to get some outfit ideas, and while there were some things that were nice/fine, there was a ton of tr**/d***girl/femboy shit in that fucking feed from out of nowhere.

I don't like Pinterest that much, but I do find it useful for aggregation and was hoping to use it to collect some ideas. Now I know that actually trying to see what outfits work for other trans women on that platform is going to be minefield at best.

I found this really Interesting FE romhack. Seems really unique and intuitive, I'll report back when I've played more of the game.

Also it's totally pronoun emblem :waow-based:

Boomer alert -

The kids nowadays are young enough to have not grown up with optical media, so you hear a lot about "movie CDs are rotting!!!!" in sloptube comments or whatever. I pretty much took this as a falsehood; burned CD-R/RW discs and DVD + and - R/RW discs do often quit, 'cause of the way the laser has to burn the pits and lands into the dye of the disc or whatever. But pressed discs? Maybe Laserdiscs, but I have CDs from like 1986 that are still in perfect playing shape. A copy of "Decade" with literal holes in the plastic player that still plays and rips perfectly.

Recently though I actually found a disc that might be "rotting", which is a 1997 (or whatever) DVD copy of Interview With The Vampire. The problematic vampire yaoi made me fight to watch it, because the disc doesn't really have any scratches, but the data layer at the outer edge of the disc (where the layer change happens) has little nicks and chunks missing, even though the plastic surrounding it is fine. So my Sony 4K player freaks out when it hits the halfway mark, and skips like five minutes because the data is actually missing. PC drives don't do much better, so like... wow, I wonder if this is a manufacturing defect or genuine rot? Wild though, first pressed disc I've ever bought that had non-scratch issues...

my primary desire for everyone to be paid the same is so the shithead doctors who only entered the profession for money no longer have a reason to practice medicine (most of them)

I sat at my desk three hours ago with the intention of figuring out how to describe to myself what I was feeling. I still can't. I know I dissociated kinda hard for a little bit. But everything else... I can't put words to it.

Hopefully my brain can finally turn off now, I'll see you all tomorrow.

why are people so fucking awful ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

up with trains

The idea of coming out is terrifying. My stomach is in knots every time I think about telling anyone outside of hexbear. I told one friend I was questioning a while back and it went well, so I'm not sure what my issue is. I'll try to break down my reasons.

spoiler

I worry they'll have bad ideas about trans people. There are lots of bad ideas out there, and it seems like a lot of people don't really care about having good opinions on things. So what might they think about trans people, and what will they think of me?

I worry they won't see me as who I am/want to be seen as. They (family and friends) have only known me as a guy. Will they even believe me? And if I'm just going to be seen as [dead name] pretending to be a girl or whatever... that's way worse.

Some of this might be autism, but I worry I don't know how to act right. I don't know how to be a woman, I don't know how to be trans, I don't understandddddd

Status quo changes in general are really hard for me. Slightly off topic, but the church has traumatized me massively. I was taught horrible things and I have struggled ever since. Its still, years after leaving, hard for me to not want to continue traditions from the church. I hate it so much, but its still hard to let go of. And I guess its kinda the same thing here. I know it is bad for me, I know its wrong, I can look around and see the problems. The rot.

spoiler dysphoria Every time I hear myself talk, who do I hear? [deadname]. Every time I look at myself, who do I see? [deadname]. How can I expect better from anyone else? :::

Libs are really mad at me because I called Natopedia "Natopedia" That's alright, I'll continue pissing on their garbage takes

Very normal things are happening

I remember hearing from uh, @bubbalu@hexbear.net that this was in the works but waow.

@ashinadash@hexbear.net I looked through your recs and picked up Fluids by May Leitz. Holy fuck is all I can say, I'm at the 2nd part of the book and wtf. I didnt know it was horror until it ramped up lmao

if you're very lazy like me and like to enjoy other folks playlists I found out if you just put 'wlw' into spotify search there are a lot of super sapphic playlists already made by those blessed unlazies

i have a splitting headache at work and i'm trying not to inflict my terrible mood on my coworkers. for once it's not their fault

OMG. I'm awake at american times, I can talk with people from half across the world. (I couldn't sleep yesterday)

WOKE BEACH BOYS: well she got her daddy's car and she cruised through the vegan hamburger stand now

The Irish knocked it out of the park with mushrooms as a breakfast food. I love mushrooms in the morning yummy

new announcement ended up making me sad

got he/him's acting real classy i see i'm not actually looking to fight anybody. just. took a long time to find a place that actually kinda felt safe enough & suddenly it seems much less so. think i'll be limiting my bear site presence to the trans spaces, for the time being. that's what i'm here for, anyway.

much love & strength to all my beautiful siblings the last couple months have been backbreaking, but it woulda been considerably more difficult w/out this gay lil online living room :3

---

Incredibly important quiz for all my fellow lovely transes

Which would you choose:

1. Poltergeist

2. Spider

3. Swamp Monster

4. Dream Demon

5. Vampire

Please leave your answers below, thank you!

so far we have 6 vampires, 1 poltergeist, 6 dream demon and 2 spider

as the quiz holder i will add my vote for dream demon too

Guy I know that lives 30 minutes from Tampa didn't evacuate
He's high enough that he shouldn't get hit by the storm surge but still

I've been experimenting with low waisted jeans lately, and it's all good until you need to sit down.

Are you a lovely lady or a nasty girl?

damn my tiddies are getting fuckin huge

i took some nice pictures of myself today and you could see my tits through my turtleneck

at a distance of about twenty feet

I'm hiking, which is nice, but my asthma is kindly reminding me of what happened yesterday. The Earth, kindly enough, is answering my prayers for air and sending giant gusts of wind in my direction. I've rolled my ankle multiple times, but it's really nice out so it's still a good time 😊

Fuck it

sad

spoiler self harm and suicide Why am I even alive? This is all just pain, its been pain for so long, and I don't see that ever changing. There is so much pain from so many directions. sh'd earlier and it did nothing for me. So like really, how am I supposed to stop being in pain? This happens literally regardless of what I do. Do girl stuff, feel like shit. Self care? shit. smoke weed? A bit better tbh, best I ever feel, but still there. Obviously there's a lot of gender pain, but there's other stuff too. And I am just so sick of all of it.

Even posted about it makes me feel like shit. Like oh here I am just bitching when other people have it worse. Why even post about ending it when I don't have a method. Just stupid drama baiting shit tbh. Probably how everyone sees me. Can't even sh properly so how am I even going to go through with a plan anyway.

Anyway I'm just rambling, I want to escape this. fwiw I don't have a method so don't worry about my safety too much. ::: Edit: I'm going to head to bed now, hoping to feel better tomorrow. Goodnight mega.

feeling like shit. some loud braggart tried to put me down and say his school is great... he also refuses to acknowledge my school (number one in the state)