The Onion

“ATTENTION VOTERS: Kamala Harris and her fellow Democrats woke up this morning feeling EXTREMELY BUMMED,” wrote House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries in a 600-word email with the subject line “URGENT: VERY SAD.”

“Last night was HARD, but with your HELP, we can make sure Republicans don’t take away our SMILES completely.

For just $20, you can put the PEP back in our STEP. Are you with me?” At press time, the DNC sent a follow-up email that featured photos of Harris, Nancy Pelosi, and Liz Cheney frowning alongside a caption that read “LOOK WHAT YOU DID.”