Ask Lemmy

Adult people are entitled to make their own decisions under the FAFO maxim.

Your opinion on it is just that, an opinion. As far as idiotic shit to do, this is mid tier. You still got your daughter etc. focus on that.

I’d work on processing my feelings and sorting them into helpful to express, necessary to express, and unhelpful and unnecessary to express

Do you trust your daughter’s ethics and willingness to prioritize her happiness? If not that should be your concern, otherwise learning to trust her to leave if anything goes as wrong as it likely will is something to focus on.

Regardless of everything, therapy is probably a good call for you. It’s not just for the mentally ill, it’s also a resource to help deal with it when life throws you a curveball.

As long as both parties acknowledge what kind of relationship it is, and she gets what she wants out of it, I think I would be able to accept it. Doesn't mean I would like it, though.

My cynical view on this situation is the pros are 1) she's fast-tracking home ownership for a generation that generally expects to not own homes, 2) she's securing financial stability during the traditionally least financially stable era of adult life, 3) working as a paid live-in caregiver pays significantly little comparatively and it is damn hard work, 4) she may have plans on marrying for love later. She's still maturing, so having a starter marriage that's lucrative may not be a totally terrible idea.

Honestly at the end of the day, you want her to be happy, right? If she's walked into this with eyes wide open, considered all the cons and still found the arrangement preferable, is it really the end of the world? What would your feelings be if she had chosen some other non traditional relationship?

I agree with many people here that it's up to her. It's her life and she's going to live it how she wants. How you feel about it doesn't matter. I think what she's doing is morally objectionable because it turns a relationship that should be about caring and mutual affection and all those flowery concepts and turns it into a financial transaction. He gets companionship and sex and she gets money and not having to work (I assume). But once again, this is her decision.

How do you manage this? You either accept that or you don't. You get to determine if you want to be part of her life or not. Perhaps this is too much for you. Perhaps not. But your only options are to accept the arrangement or not.

If they're cool, they're cool.

It may become complicated if some day she does fall in love and if it's with someone else. She may be faced with hard choices if this happens.

She's not underage and the husband knows the deal. I would make sure she has a back up (a man is not a plan). Make sure she has a job/career to fall back on, and if she's stay-at-home, see if she gets any kind of money from her husband on a regular basis that she can put into her own savings. Other than that? Hopefully the wedding was bomb.

Be sure to wring the old fart dry

I'll add one thing to other's responses. Make sure she, not they, but she is covered financially. If she spends 10 years with him, not developing her career, and he drops her, will she be OK?

I.E. its perfectly OK for them to have this arrangement, it's not OK for her to be in a situation where she feels trapped by money.

how do you manage?

I'm relatively conservative, so probably a blend of bonds and market tracking index funds.

There's nothing wrong with prostitution. At least when her boss dies she gets a payout.

When my boss dies, I'll still be expected to drive across four cities to do a job that I could do 100% remote during the pandemic

In this economy? Good on her.

Tangent but how the fuck our we in a world where we can lock ourselves in with someone for financial gain, we have tiny computers in our pockets, we can travel the world in a matter of hours, we have set foot on the fucking moon. yet we are chained by capitalism.

We sell our buddies intimately, we give the largest chunk of our waking life to employers. We are fucking slaves. Knelt for our masters.

But the worst part is we accept it. Lion share of comments are praising her, a few are pointing towards a kink which if that the actual reason then what ever. I feel sorry for her, not pity but the fact she is potentially degrading herself/selling her intimacy for a the semblance of dignity in a world which should afford us all dignity.

She's an adult and I assume she's mentally capable. Just support her and when/if she ever regrets her decision, she'll have you around to lean on.

If you openly hate on her decision or shame her for it, you're only going to drive her away or make her even more firm in her choice.

I'll be very blunt: it's her life and her decision. There is nothing to 'manage'. You either accept it or you don't, but if you don't, there's a good chance you will lose her.

Based on all the replies this seems both are getting what they want out of it, so I don't see an issue. Not every marriage needs to be a love match, but it does seem like there is some of that, so even better.

I do understand your moral reservations as it seems a bit cynical, but in the end it's her life and she and any kids they might have are basically set for life.

Do you trust your daughter judgment? If so, trust her even when you may disagree.

If she is happy with the guy (reading your other comments, that seems to be the case) and since this mariage will give her the means to do all she wants and not worry too much. Imho, wishing them both the best seems the best thing to do :)

You'll both have lots of time to get used to the idea. Sorry to hear that your daughter turned into a gold digger marrying out of financial convinence instead of love. Its kind of unsavory and understandable why its causing some cognitive dissonance. But well thats the kind of thing our society incentivises and she's an adult who can make her own choices. Its hard to judge too hard. Hope the husband is alright personality wise and even if this is dark to say, you can take some solice in that statistically speaking its probably not going to last too long and she will probably inherit some assets. If it all burns down it will be a hard but good lesson in not being with people just to extract value out of them.