this post was submitted on 18 Dec 2024
122 points (97.7% liked)

The Onion

4695 readers
420 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
 

Cancer
(June 21 to July 22):

Steer clear of shadowy figures who threaten you with knives, guns, or other weapons—they may intend to do you bodily harm.

top 9 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Atelopus-zeteki@fedia.io 13 points 3 days ago (3 children)

I'm so glad I read this post. I'm def. following this advice. I'm quitting my nighttime knife club, gun club, club club, and explosives club. That really opens up my calendar.

[–] SomeAmateur@sh.itjust.works 5 points 3 days ago

Real loading screen tips here

[–] MarcomachtKuchen@feddit.org 2 points 3 days ago

What I would give for a good club club near me...

[–] Opisek@lemmy.world 1 points 3 days ago (1 children)

What about the fight club?

[–] Atelopus-zeteki@fedia.io 7 points 3 days ago

We don't talk about fight club.

[–] caesaravgvstvs@feddit.org 8 points 3 days ago

Had to look up CEO birthdays to make sure it was about what I thought it was

[–] MarcomachtKuchen@feddit.org 6 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Sweet, I'm glad this does not hinder my own nighttime activities where I'm threatening strangers with knifes, guns or other weapons.

[–] Nougat@fedia.io 2 points 3 days ago

... does not hinder ...

It does hinder, by making your activities more difficult by one-twelfth.

[–] angrystego@lemmy.world 4 points 3 days ago

Read it as horrorscope and thought cancer was the illness. Now I wonder what the other horrorscope signs would be... scorpio sting, virginity lost to rape, an evil twin following you, getting the st. Sebastian treatment, piranhas...