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Working social jobs and getting hit on fucking sucks. (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago) by ApathyTree@lemmy.dbzer0.com to c/WomensStuff@lazysoci.al
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So if this isn’t the right community for this I get it, and feel free to remove it (but please do let me know why, so I don’t make the same mistake in the future, the rules don’t really say what sort of content, and this feels pretty femme-centric)

Partially I need to vent and don’t have a great social network at the moment, and partially I’m looking for ways to handle.. not the situations (those I can mostly handle as ex-military, former wrestler, badass chick 💪), but the guilty uncomfortable awkward feelings. Those are new since I stopped trying so hard to mask and started experiencing myself more.

I bartend once a week at a bar and grill as the only employee of my shift (I also cook and it’s too much tbh), and I guess that used to be a lot easier, or maybe the places I was working were just… less likely to attract the sort of people this one does.. it’s sort of an older-crowd townie bar (I’m complimented on being highly competent, and I feel like I’m drowning), with a local heavy drinking culture. It doesn’t cost a lot to sit and drink all night, so a lot of people do. ($1-1.50 for mugs, or 1.75-2.25 for pints/bottles of cheap swill - on Wisconsin..?)

I usually try to dress super frumpy, baggy sweatshirt and stuff, because I’m ace/aro, not very social, and somewhere on the autism spectrum, and getting hit on at work is nothing but wildly uncomfortable.

I’ve made the mistake before of looking somewhat nice (no makeup or jewelry, just something that fits better than a baggy hoodie), and it doesn’t net me more tips, it just leads to uncomfortable propositions. Drunk dudes, am I right?

Young guy tonight (based on his first console, probs like mid 20s) was super nice, totally nerdy and probably wasn’t expecting a chat about video games with a collector at a dive bar, but I’m just not interested in hanging out for playing right now because I’m moving in two months, otherwise I’d risk the awkwardness even though I can tell it would have been at best a weird friendship. I felt really bad for that rejection when he verbally swallowed his feelings and asked anyway (would.. never mind.. well maybe you’d like to). Because just bad timing. Even my boss knows I’m leaving at the end of July, and have a lot of work to do. He rushed out after but it legit wasn’t personal. Poor kid. (Omg I feel old. He didn’t like Reddit or other social link aggregators and I introduced him to the concept of RSS feeds..)

Coworker didn’t bother trying to be subtle. He’s around a lot and always drunk, and he today said “I know you are asexual and I respect that, but I really want to just ravage you” and so on and so forth with increasing specificity, for a very uncomfortable half an hour of drunken propositional rambling (despite my very clear “no, thank you, you know I’m really not interested in that with you or anyone else. That doesn’t sound fun to me as much as you think it should, so I’m not interested, but thank you for being honest about it so we could be entirely clear, now please stop commenting on what you want to do to me..”) while I tried to clean.. and prior he tried to pick a fight with some other guy I’ve never seen before that one of my regulars also had never met.. and I had to tell him to chill the fuck out.. I’ve never had to flex my powers as the sole voice of the bar before and it suuuucked, but he did indeed shut the fuck up and sit down. So that was kinda fun?

And I’m just.. so tired of fending off this shit. I don’t want any of it. I don’t wear makeup, I stopped trying to cover my gray hair years ago, and I intentionally dress to not impress.. I’m just trying to do my job and also be comfortable with the heat.. I’m not even all that nice to anyone, other than quiet lady folks. Especially those who clearly don’t want to be there and just got dragged along. I try to keep them entertained when I can, and make them question their dynamic. I get being there.

How do I deal with feeling like crap about other people being gross? Or risking their all to be turned down by someone doing a job? I know how to be strong and upfront and honest, to do the work to be clear about my intentions, even if I’m nice about it, but I don’t have a clue how to feel better about it..

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[–] LadyButterfly@lazysoci.al 5 points 4 hours ago

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, it's shitty. You should be able to come into work without being sexually harassed. You're clothing says "NOT INTERESTED GO AWAY" and you're literally verbalising it. As always this isn't a misunderstanding, it's harassment and it's wrong.

Feeling bad for asserting ourselves is natural, women are taught to be polite and assertive women are bitches, arrogant etc. You're also neuro which adds an extra layer of difficulty.

What would you say to another woman? Would you say she should feel bad, or tell her she's doing right protecting herself? It's the latter and you deserve that same kindness. Always remember as well, what he's doing is literally unlawful!

The law didn't spring up overnight, people pushed for it cos there was a need. Courts, politicians and practitioners had to agree that it was wrong, pass the law and make it fact. That's a lot of work in a male dominated system, but still it was seen as wrong.

I'm a DA outreach worker and I reckon although you're safe, he's a domestic abuse perp. Its impossible for him to just not know this is bothering you, itll be obvious from your reaction. The obsession with sex, the refusal to accept a no, the blatantly ,making you uncomfortable... it's red flags. You really don't need to feel bad about saying no to a man that could hurt you if you got involved with him.

Overall, you really deserve better than this and you've got an army of sisters here backing you up.

[–] homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world 2 points 4 hours ago

I'd recommend a job not in a drinking establishment. Alcohol's a helluva drug. I know that's not a great answer, it just seems most pertinent.

[–] LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 3 hours ago)

I think you might have some issues with internalized ableism. It's something I didnt fully realize and understand until just recently but being neurodivergent led to me experiencing a lot of social trauma growing up. Like saying the wrong thing, responding the wrong way, and then losing friendships and experiencing social ostracization and even outright violence at times. I learned that responding in ways that other people dislike or not providing the expected response is dangerous for me. I developed an incessant drive to people please, and have been taken advantage of many times throughout my life over that specifically.

I think a lot of neurodivergent people have difficult to overcome social trauma. The way you responded to your coworker very much like outright sexually harassing you, even going so far as to thank him for his honesty, reads to me like an automatic trauma response. Like attempting to empathize with him when he is being so wildly disrespectful towards you. And I want to be clear that its not your fault. Whether if it was a response from past ableist trauma or not doesn't matter. It can be really hard to respond to someone disrespecting your boundaries in the moment. Especially someone you see frequently and probably would rather have an okay rapport with. Be aware that he knows this too, he knows that since you work together you will not want to outright tell him off. He is absolutely taking advantage of that position of trust with you.

What's been helping me lately (I was diagnosed adhd at 5 too, actually, no one ever really bothered to explain to me all the parts of my life it's affected) is focusing on how id respond if it was happening to someone else. When someone crosses one of my boundaries I simply and firmly state that it wasn't okay, that if they continue disrespecting my boundaries I am going to cut them out of my life, and at work I'd report them. Youre not obligated to give warnings. Whether youre aro/ace or not what he's said to you is wildly inappropriate, disgusting, and would I think make just about anyone extremely uncomfortable at work.

But yeah like I just think I can see some ways that your experience in this situation might be affected by your being neurodivergent. Definitely worth examining further imo.

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 13 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

(despite my very clear “no, thank you, you know I’m really not interested in that with you or anyone else. That doesn’t sound fun to me as much as you think it should, so I’m not interested, but thank you for being honest about it so we could be entirely clear, now please stop commenting on what you want to do to me..”)

Respectfully, that's far too many words. He said he knows you're not interested, so everything after that is deliberate harassment. So if you're comfortable with it, you should say "you know I'm not interested, now quit harassing me!"

I wouldn't normally give this advice but since you've said you can handle physical confrontation, the direct route may work for you. You're being too nice to a guy who is being zero nice to you. I also wonder if this guy is taking ace/aro the same way some guys take lesbian - as in, they see it as a challenge and think their magic dick will "fix" you. (Obviously you're not broken).

As far as the guilty feelings, I get it - society trains us to care about others' feelings more than our own. But try to remind yourself that he's being deliberately offensive and it's OK to be rude back sometimes.

As for the young guy, that kind of situation happens. It sucks but that's life, and honestly, it's good you gave a firm but kind rejection. I think you handled that one fine! I can't tell from the story if he was hitting on you or just awkwardly trying to make a new friend, but either way, 'no' is a complete sentence. 'No, thanks' if you want to be kind. You don't owe anybody an explanation.

Since you're asking how to feel better about saying no, consider that these men (especially your coworker) aren't taking the time to feel badly about imposing on you. They aren't giving you due consideration, so why feel badly about giving them the same energy? Give yourself permission to not care. They'll live.

Good luck!

[–] Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 6 hours ago* (last edited 6 hours ago)

Usually, if you tell a man hitting on you, "only if I can penetrate your ass first", "sorry my cunt is bleeding", "sorry I just banged like 6 dudes yesterday, I'm tired", "bro I'd rather fuck your dad", they shut the fuck up.

I harrass back. I worked in male dominant manufacturing, being just as disgusting as they were was the only thing that worked. I did get called to HR for the "my cunt is bleeding" comment but we actually had a laugh together as I responded, "do you know the disgusting shit these guys say, but I'm not a big baby and complain?". So that one is the best one I think, because someone was motivated enough to tell on me for it.

Maybe not the safest approach in a bar with drunk dudes you don't know, but the ones you know, I find being just as disgusting verbally makes them not want you. I'm not nice to creeps, I speak like a man, I literally feel my balls grow in these moments, and I feed it back

Edit, this is posted as a reply unintentionally, sorry

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 11 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

those I can mostly handle as ex-military, former wrestler, badass chick 💪

I'm not ex-military, nor a former wrestler, nor a particularly badass chick. But my father was a Chief Warrant Officer/RSM and he taught me a few things I've used to my advantage in altercations. (This included basic knife usage.) So, with you here all the way sister: make unwelcome advances uncomfortable the other way!

I’m ace/aro, not very social, and somewhere on the autism spectrum, and getting hit on at work is nothing but wildly uncomfortable.

It's wildly uncomfortable for those of us classified as "oversexed" by their prudish coworkers too. It's that whole "consent" thing that so many people have such a basic problem with. 😥

He rushed out after but it legit wasn’t personal.

He has to learn the bitter lesson that being attracted in one direction doesn't mean being attracted the other. Yeah, I'd feel a bit bad for hurting a decent, super nice guy, but if I'm not interested I'm just straight-up not interested.

(You sound really nice, mind, for actually caring. By now I'm long past that point.)

How do I deal with feeling like crap about other people being gross? Or risking their all to be turned down by someone doing a job? I know how to be strong and upfront and honest, to do the work to be clear about my intentions, even if I’m nice about it, but I don’t have a clue how to feel better about it…

You have a lesson to learn like the nice kid had to learn.

You're going to hurt people. Sometimes (hopefully most times) without intending to and without malice. You can't stop caring; that way lies madness. But you have to learn to just understand and accept that you are not responsible for how other people feel. And that's a particularly hard lesson for women to learn because we've been brought up all our lives, in most cases, to be the "caring" and "nurturing" ones.

Some people are going to smash their face into a brick wall. That's on them. If they do it on accident, or because they didn't know brick walls hurt, be sympathetic and help them out if it's applicable. But if they smash their face into a brick wall because they're too stupid to link that to pain, that's on them, not you. And if they smash their face into a brick wall repeatedly because "this time will be different" that is again on them, not you. You just have to accept the fact their feelings are theirs and not your responsibility.

And it's fucking hard. (Tough as I talk I sometimes feel bad too even today.)

But you know what? Talking it out here or with your friends who 'get' you (especially with the added complexity of aro/ace) is definitely a good thing. Wounded birds flocking helps all.

[–] ApathyTree@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 9 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago) (1 children)

I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m a whopping 5’2 120lb chihuahua😅. I know how to throw my weight around if I have to, but I’m so ridiculously out of practice that I just rely on demeanor. Works well enough; people call me intimidating a lot. For reasons I guess.

That’s fair, I totally didn’t mean to imply that I’m only uncomfortable because of the qualifiers, just perhaps that they make it feel more difficult because I don’t have much of a framework for attraction interactions, maybe.

But you are right, it would be equally uncomfortable regardless because it’s ultimately unwanted interaction.

And you are also right that I need to distance myself from the life lessons of others.. I was diagnosed with adhd at 5 and it was used as a reason to move me every single year from age 5 to 17 (different schools every year until my junior year) so I didn’t grow with peers, I grew near people I barely interacted with, and idk what to do socially now..

So I appreciate your advice and words even if you think they come with a cynical air (realistic, if anything, I get it, and the sloppy bloody face brick wall person thing is why I don’t social)

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 5 points 7 hours ago

I have no idea what those moon units mean, but the comparison to a chihuhua I get. So I might be bigger than you. 😄 (160cm, 55kg.) But I get the whole demeanour thing. That's what Dad tried to instill into me (with shaky initial results but I'm much better at that iron stare now).

I get that the aro/ace thing likely disorients you more. I just wanted you to be aware it isn't just you. Almost ALL women find being hit on while trying to do their job disruptive, creepy, and really irritating. You're not alone and you've got people who can at the very least empathize. And there's not much you can do unfortunately without risking losing your job. You have to say "no" firmly. Draw the line. Make sure you call out any line crossing. And if they don't get the message, pull out your 鸳鸯钺¹. That usually gets their attention (and you'll be able to leave your job almost immediately! 😉).

¹ These things.

[–] Cherry@piefed.social 7 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

I don’t have much advice, I understand your place. I just wanted to chime in and say hey someone is listening. It’s Sad that you are not alone, but you are not alone. Some people are just dicks. Some people like you just wanna let it out and you were about. Some people get overtaken by the moment and it sounds like you handled that well. How they respond is on them and their emotional maturity.

Maybe make the decision to not to let others live in your head today. You make your head full of your happy thoughts.

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 5 points 9 hours ago

Maybe make the decision to not to let others live in your head today. You make your head full of your happy thoughts.

That's a good trick too. When you start feeling that you're being "mean" or that people are being gross to you or whatever, reflect a moment on something you like. Ideally something you like doing.