Why bright red is a transfem story

Ok so like im durnk and wrote this up so like fuck you dont judge me but also judge the shit out of it idk fuck. I'm just writing and like i wrote this in one go and havent edited anything so idk it may be hot shit or it may be a hot shit. have fun i guess. Its pretty fucking binary, but like im pretty binary and idk like how the fuck could i even pretend to speak to/for a nonbinary experience?

(Edit: i cant ~~descide~~ figure out if this is a shitpost or an effortpost so like idk you tell me)

also like CW for abuse/dysphoria/just the shitty aspects of being trans i guess idk pull this down if its not appropriate or anything idk.

Did she fall or was she pushed?

did the little girl fall down? or was she pushed down by patriarchal systems? With this line Laurie Anderson speaks to the early age emotional neutering that young boys and presumed-boys go through. The young girl is falling, but is she? or was she pushed down by patriarchy, cisnormativity, and the refusal to acknowledge her as a girl?

Your shirt on my chair
Your shirt on my chair

These lines speak to the idea of another persons clothing being on ones own self. Wearing another set of clothes, keeping them on the chair, but not in the closet. They are here, and in use, but they are not her. They are foreign, perhaps protective in the way that a 'boyfriend-shirt' is protective. Protective in that they keep her safe from the beatings, the mocking, the derision and abuse, the calls of 'just kill yourself'. It is also threatening - theres another person here, and all you see is their shirt. This speaks to the dissociation and depersonalization that so many trans people go through.

I'll be with you. I'll be there

This line reinforces the above, that the shirts owner, a fake person built to protect her will be there, protecting.

I'll never leave you

This line speaks to the experiences of growing up as a closeted transfemme person never being removable from ones being. They will never leave her, they are a part of her.

Your shirt on my chair

and we return to the idea of the shirt on her chair, there, but not in her closet. Present, used, but not hers. protective but oppressive. dissociated.

Come here little girl. Get into the car
It's a brand new Cadillac.
Bright red.
Come here little girl\

The little girl is getting into the car, the western cultural symbol of masculine obsession. Of the freedom to go wherever you want. But only if theres a road. This represents the priviledge associated with being male presenting, the ability to go wherever you want, that freedom, but its predicated on there being a road to drive on; true freedom in that sense comes from ones own two feet. This speaks to the way society tells men that they can be everything, as long as they stay on the road.

This symbol, so associated with the husband neglecting his wife for his car. It represents the chains that come with a gender identity that one does not have, that is forced upon our protagonist. Not only the husband neglecting his wife, but the woman neglecting her womanhood for the safety of masculinity.

The Cadillac is bright red, the color of blood, shed metaphorically in the pursuit of staying safe in a deeply cisnormative transphobic world, and literally in the form of beatings and assaults designed to punish her for not being a cis man, and additionally also the literal blood spilled during surgeries. Come here little girl, you will be harmed, you will be driven away in the bright red cadillac.

Hey! Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Your despair in my heart. Bright red
Your words in my ears
I'll be with you. I'll be there. I'll never leave you\

These lines speak to the realization, the internal confrontation of seeing onesself and knowing and accepting that one is trans. The despair of knowing that initial panic of 'oh fuck im trans'. The recognition that its been this way all along. haven't I seen you somewhere before? yes, as a child, before she was forced into hiding, before the femininity was beaten out of her. The recognition of all that blood, bright red, metaphorical and literal, that was shed to get to this point. The whispers and words in her ear, telling her what to say, how to act, which person to be.

Somewhere along the way there is an inversion, it is no longer the man saying he will be with her, to protect her, but it is her saying, that no matter whether she embraces her transness or not she will always be there, she will never leave.

Wild beasts shall rest there
And owls shall answer one another there
And the hairy ones shall dance there
And sirens in the temples of pleasure\

The wild beasts, representing the untamed and unbridled emotion and turmoil of existing outside of the societal scripts and in such an incredibly wild way. The owls answering one another, trans people reaching out to each other in the night, in the dark, where the burning eyes of hateful society cannot see. The hairy ones dancing, unashamed. And the sirens of the temples of pleasure, calling one towards them, towards the pleasure of knowing onesself, of being whole, of being able to engage with the world and with yourself as you were meant to. And of the pleasure of being able to have sex without dissociating. It is a temple, a prayer process. How many trans women have lain awake at night praying to god that they turn into a girl come morning? And the process of transition, it is a prayer, a prayer to ones own body, ones nerves and fat and muscle. The body once dissociated slowly knowing pleasure. Not in a sexual manner (although also that) but in the manner of just being able to exist without it hurting, without needing to numb everything to the point of non existence.

Your shirt on my chair
I'll be with you. I'll be there. I'll never leave you
Your shirt on my chair\

Finally we return, to our protector, who will always be there in some way or another. Whose experiences and guidance have shaped our protagonist, and helped get her where she is today. He will always be a part of her. Your shirt on my chair. Here, but not permanently. The shirt is all thats left, a reminder of what was, but not permanent, not put away in the closet, in the dresser.

She can protect herself now. She doesnt need him, and so all thats left is his shirt on her chair.

Ok thats the whole thing idk i maybe remove cause embarrass like most things i do when drunk i regret so maybe this one tooooooo????