For me there was like 5 years between "i wouldnt mind being a girl" and "i really wish i was a girl", and then another decade and change before "oh shit i think i might be trans" and then another few years before coming out.
lilypad
joined 1 year ago
::: spoiler exhausted for no reason Im tired and exhausted. Ive only been up for 5 hours, and only been doing stuff for 3 of them. I havent done much, just visited my mamas kittens and played with them a little (theyre very skittish), dropped off some film to be developed, and grabbed a burrito.
Why am i so exhausted? Why does everything tire me out so much? Some of it is obvious, like the english tourist who kept looking at me and then whispering&giggling to her friend, but that shouldnt be enough to exhaust me. I know I can do more than this, so why cant i?
Is this about those threads asking men things that i avoid clicking into for fear of psychic damage?
::: spoiler spoiler Im glad youve reached peace with yourself around it ^^
I really want to be ok with not loving again, it would be easier for me, but im not. I love so much and so hard, i love my friends and my family, and i want to love romantically too.
Edit: fuck i even love people who want me dead or have deeply hurt me... Its the love thats the issue, isnt it? Theres a part of me that still loves my ex friend who slowly became a straight up nazi, no neo- prefix or anything, who was telling me I was "one of the good ones" and similar shit. I dropped him and we will never speak again, obvs, but theres a part of me that still wants him to be happy, to find joy in his life, and that part of me loves him just as deeply as when we first became friends back when he was a commie leaning liberal.
::: spoiler spoiler
fr fr that magnetic pull especially, its so alluring! I try to control it and manage it but i just end up spending every possible moment with my partner or friends or romatic interest(s). Its impossible. I dont know how to be alone and it sucks. I never knew how to be alone. My hobbies are boring unless im with someone else. Fuck i often dont eat because eating is a social thing for me, like i dont care about making a nice meal for myself cause i dont matter, but i love to cook for others. Idk, the solution is probably self esteem from what other people in my life say? But i dont have low self esteem in the way I used to, and when I had managed my codependency well with my ex my self esteem was way lower than now... Idk, not to wallow but it just feels like theres no way out.
want someone who does the same that i can come back to
I want this so badly. But no idea how to make it happen, cause Im not an overly social person... Idk, my brain fucking confuses the shit out of me sometimes
::: spoiler spoiler Ugh i know, i worked so hard to address the codependency between me and my ex, then we broke up, i started dating someone new like 6 months later, and suddenly it was like all that hard work had never happened and I was right back in my codependent processes in full force. I need to learn how to be a person before I can reasonably date, but im failing so hard at that right now. I try and fail and try and fail and it never ends. Idk, just feels so hopeless sometimes...
I get into this space where I want to be vulnerable, open, and share myself with someone. But i also get freaked out by that. So i end up being super hot/cold and being super close one second, and the next i sneak out and leave in the middle of the night (literally had to stop myself from doing this, i felt so terrible that i was even considering it).
Idk how to get out of it aside from having a bunch of stuff seperate from your partner. Its one of the reasons Im hesitant to date friends.
::: spoiler random yearning analysis and thoughts
Godddddd i want to be pair bonded so bad. It feels so nice and wonderful. But i know that its a really bad move for me right now. So i tell myself Im only available for casual relationships. But am I? Really? Pair bonding feels so good that I dont know that I can trust myself to not try and dive into it, or try to bring it about without realizing it. I want to fall into someone, and that desire is unhealthy for me. I want to get to a place where I want to walk beside someone, instead of fall into them. Its a moot point regardless, i dont meet new people like ever, and theres no way in hell im about to start dating my way through my friends and aquaintances, and physical attraction is often rooted in emotional attraction for me, so 
Im sorry life is being so rough on you right now 
And you never need to apologize for struggling 
Yuuuup he was a shit person iirc. Idk anything specific, or if he tried anything, but he gave major creep vibes. and he would kinda bully the girls in his class and treat the boys with much more respect.
Carry it with you everywhere lyube, just to be safe ^^
::: spoiler (cw misogyny) Not AP, but my gov/econ teacher went on a long rant one class about how he knows the reason misogyny exists, and that it was because women give birth, and that because of that their bodies need to be biologically weaker and need to be taken care of so they can take care of babies, and so it was only natural that men were protectors, and thus it was only natural that men get upset with women when they provide and then only get more mouths in return. He wasnt explicitly saying women deserved misogyny, but his whole rant was steeped in that attitude and justified with bioessentialism.
Very normal thoughts he had 
Theres obama kush, so ykw i could absolutely see a future where she has a strain of pot named after her while she continues to oversee the imprisonment of people for posession