The Onion

Traffic Plummets as Search Tool Enforces Basic Reading Comprehension

"Mit diesem Sprung werde ich weltweit auf politischen Bühnen auftreten und Parteien wie die AfD oder Reform UK zum Endsieg führen", so Musk. "Genau wie bei Trump in den USA. Make UK Great Again! Germany Over Everything!"

(Helsinki, Finland) It has been a banner year for evil corporations slowly squeezing humanity for every last drop of profit. With trains derailing, ships hitting critical infrastructure, oil spills and fires, global warfare, and ongoing opioid problems, the dramatic end to a functioning society seems closer every day, as every facet of life seeks monetization. And every year, one industry stands out more evil than them all, and this year, oil execs say, it is going to them.

“We’ve definitely seen the attention healthcare is getting,” said one oil executive, slipping into his baby-sea-otter-skinned jacked before a gala. “You have to admit, everyone hates health care… even we in petroleum. But while they are evil… who isn’t… oil has a deep-seated hatred in the world’s psyche that deserves recognition.”

The ‘Most Hated Industry’ Awards, or “the Haties” (not to be confused with the country destroyed by poverty), is recognition that one sector is out-crushing everyone when it comes to weighing down the human soul. Oil, a perennial favorite, feels this is their time again, and they’re not afraid to brag. “We’ve had several tankers sink this year, and spill, some in the last few months. Oh sure, people don’t cry as much when each bird covered with oil dies, now a day, but we’re making it up with volume. Do you like the price you pay at the pump? Too bad. I did this, not some peasant in the White House. Our private ballroom is called Club Baby Seal. You can’t deny true hatred.”

But some experts disagree that oil is the black spot in people’s heart it used to be. Researchers at the Nestle Institute of Greater Evil find that Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the most often loathed in recent polls. “We know people would gladly shoot at oil executives if they had the chance, but you can tell from recent events that maybe oil is slipping, pardon the pun, behind other aspects of life that make it feel dull and meaningless.”

Oil executives, of course, disagree. “We don’t like to brag, but some pretty big chunks of ice are falling into the ocean right now. Sure, maybe we convinced republicans that climate change isn’t real, but that knowledge among liberals should double their hate of us, if not more.” He laughed nervously, “as long as they vote!”

“This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, pressed play, and, instead of sending the audio to my headphones, broadcast it via our national public warning system to over 340 million Americans,” said Gilroy

NEW YORK—Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk. “When I’m working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo helps me to take a step back and remember who I’m doing it for,” said Lipcot, tearing up as he pointed at the image and stated that “this guy, this guy right here” was the reason for everything he did. “This job can be a real grind sometimes, but when I look at this picture and see that face smiling back at me, I realize it’s all worth it to make that fella happy,” he added. “After all, in the long run, the one thing that really matters is my ability to make lots and lots of money.” Lipcot added that the photo also reminded him to get home from work at a decent hour so that he could make sure he was spending plenty of quality time with himself.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas.

Ackers told reporters the misfits, now members of the 194th Infantry Division, had been drawn from the ranks of high school underachievers across the country, all of them completely written off by their teachers and facing suspensions for such infractions as drinking in the parking lot, huffing aerosol from a rag, or setting off M-80s in the boys locker room. But with the proper motivation, Ackers said, his crew of outsiders would soon be fully prepared to wander haplessly onto the battlefield and be rapidly mowed down by highly trained enemy combatants.

“They’re a bit rough around the edges, and dumber than bricks, but I know what they’re capable of,” said Ackers, stating that every one of the “losers” and “burnouts” had what it took to be shot through the eye by a sniper after giving away their position by absentmindedly boasting about the time they had felt up “an abso- lutely stacked chick.” “You may see little punks with zero discipline, but I see warriors who’ll rise up when their backs are against the wall and be obliterated in an airstrike like they’ve been doing it their whole lives. I see brave soldiers who’ll be heading home mangled in body bags—that is, if you kick ’em in the pants a little.”

“When the time comes, and it seems like they don’t have a hope in hell, they’re gonna crash their armored ground vehicle into the side of a building and die screaming in the flaming wreckage,” Ackers added. “Guaranteed.”

After watching the recruits train and bond as a unit, Ackers’ superiors reportedly warmed up quickly to the idea that these misfits, some of whom had been manufacturing crude bongs in shop class just weeks earlier, could be disemboweled by a large wedge of shrapnel almost immediately, if they weren’t captured and tortured first. Given the surprising cohesion of the young enlistees, who are affectionately known as “The Wolf Pack,” some officers even suggested they could all be in a cemetery by Christmas.

“You never know how much new recruits like this are going to jerk you around, but there’s no doubt in my mind now that these kids are ready to be blown to pieces after fumbling their own grenades in a state of almost animal panic,” Capt. Rhea Wallace said. “They might’ve been slackers once, but these youngsters are going to prove they can breathe their last agonizing breath while waiting in vain for a medic who has already triaged them and determined they are a lost cause.”

Continued Wallace: “What would these kids have done if they were just sitting at home? Left to their own devices, they’d end up unemployed, abusing marijuana, and totally adrift in life. Now they have a purpose greater than themselves. Now they’re prepared to be shipped out to a war zone on foreign soil and to be taken apart so completely by a gunship that only half their body will be returned to their grieving parents.”

The military is said to be especially excited about the battlefield potential of recruit Marc Roth, an 18-year-old “total fucking psycho” from Hawesville, KY who reportedly went punch-for-punch with a member of the football team, often demonstrated butterfly-knife tricks for classmates, and once withstood an intense 10-minute interrogation from the principal without divulging the identity of a buddy who pulled a fire alarm. For his part, Roth told reporters he never imagined someone like himself wearing an Army uniform and preparing to bleed out on the other side of the world.

“Sgt. Ackers put us through hell,” Roth said. “We must’ve spent five hours a day doing pushups and the rest crawling through the mud with our rifles. I hated it at first, but now I realize he did all this to prepare us for an enemy tank to roll over our legs.”

“No one else ever thought a loser like me would amount to anything,” Roth added. “But I know I’m gonna stroll right into the most laughably obvious ambush and watch my friends get riddled with bullets before the lights go out for me. And I’ll have Sgt. Ackers to thank.”

At press time, Roth and every other member of his misfit squad had received Purple Hearts for combat deaths suffered before they themselves could even fire a shot, an outcome their recruiter proudly told reporters he never doubted for a minute.

Cancer
(June 21 to July 22):

Steer clear of shadowy figures who threaten you with knives, guns, or other weapons—they may intend to do you bodily harm.

Because I'm sick of seeing the same trite "how is this satire" comments every time I post in this community, I've decided to start including the definition for everyone:

OTTAWA - After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government's allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying that his 2025 election campaign slogan will be "I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave."

“I realize that my popularity has been declining in the polls recently,” explained the prime minister, wearing a hat depicting Peterson’s crying face and the words “Bye, Bitch,” on it, “but I think we can all appreciate that it was my government and my policies that triggered Jordan enough that he had to run away to a country that is kinder to suspected Russian assets.”

Patients Must Disprove Facebook Mom Groups Before Receiving Care

Sagittarius
(November 22 to December 21):

You’re going out in that? No, you look great. Very bold.

(Wilmington, Delaware) - After a hard two weeks of soul-searching, American Healthcare Executives say they have learned from recent events, and they’re ready to make changes.

“This is horrible,” said one executive who asked not to be named. “Not only was a man killed in the streets - a father - but the reaction of many people was excitement and jokes about his death.” This sounds a common sentiment among healthcare executives in American following the recent shooting: they are ready to make a change.

“We are already rolling out new policies, to respond to some of the concerns we are hearing in this national conversation,” wrote another executive in an email who wishes to go unnamed. “We are changing how we look at healthcare, and we are excited to reduce the amount of evil we bring to the world by three… and sometimes up to six percent… in order to no longer be shot in the streets like dogs.”

Policy changes will begin immediately. “In some cases, we used to deny cancer treatment for a mother of six over a certain cost threshold,” said an anonymous claims adjuster. “That has totally ended. In most cases now we will only deny a mother of three, or four if they seem like a pushover, and in most cases even then we will start treatment if they’re persistent, within 3 years.”

“Of course the father is still toast,” she added.

Changes like these are not going over well on Wall Street, where earnings numbers play a large part in the value of health stocks. Numbers were mixed as traders sought to determine how less evil might impact their portfolios.

But some in the industry are concerned what turning over a new leaf could mean in the longer turn. “Mike,” a security consultant who did now want to give his last name, worries if Americans will see through what experts call ‘just enough pandering to not be insulting,’ and the effect it will have on his career. “I just got a $30,000 raise, and a $10,000 bonus. The CEO looked me in the eye and shook my hand, and his wife took all our wives for spa treatments. I’m getting sniper rifle training, we all are.”

“If that fear goes away, what happens to the benefits I receive from other people being denied them? I know I’m not the boss here, but I am important, and I would hope they remember not to treat their security staff like they would a customer.”