The Onion

From 2012. Can't remember if this was posted before. I remember when it came out he said he was going to make some big announcement detailing some dirt he had on Obama and then never announced anything.

Parents worldwide have proposed a new group of events that showcase the everyday heroics required to raise children. These proposed events promise to be as grueling as the triathlon.

1. The Family Dog Walk The Family Dog Walk combines canine management with child safety in a chaotic, high-stakes event. Participants must walk two untrained dogs on leashes while pushing a stroller and ensuring a toddler doesn't dart into oncoming traffic. This event requires world-class coordination, iron-clad patience, and the reflexes of a professional athlete. Extra points for picking up dog poop without the stroller rolling away.

2. The Toddler PJ Wrestling Match Inspired by the ancient art of Greco-Roman wrestling, the Toddler PJ Wrestling Match challenges parents to wrestle a wriggling toddler into a pair of zip-up pajamas that are at least one size too small. Competitors must contend with the notorious "alligator roll," where the toddler thrashes and flails with the agility of a gazelle. Points are awarded for speed, technique, and completing the match without the parent or toddler crying.

Read the rest of this article and more at TattletaleTimes.com

EDIT: Changed article picture to stock photo due to feedback

“Like many hockey players, I’ve always dreamed of winning a Stanley Cup in a building named after my dad’s bank,” said Calgary Flames defenceman MacKenzie Weegar. “And now that dream can become a prudent marketing reality.”

Fans are also excited to see their tax dollars go towards a stadium named after an impersonal corporate behemoth.

From 2020