The Onion

“The truth is, Kendrick, I think you’re a sweetie / Does 2 p.m. work, or maybe 3?” Drake raps in his new single titled “I Miss You, Buddy,”

😂

HOLLYWOOD – With his Netflix comedy film Unfrosted debuting to abysmal reviews, 70-year-old comedian Jerry Seinfeld blames the failure on “extreme left, and PC college campus audiences”, unlike in his heyday, when the teenage girls he dated were fans of his comedy.

“We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to explain to her that what she saw was just him and Mum doing something the therapist made them promise they’d do every Sunday night at precisely 7:30 p.m., I teared up,”

AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical function,” said CEO Elon Musk, whose announcement came as a shock to the team of 500 Tesla workers responsible for the electric vehicles’ braking systems. “As the brakes never really worked anyway, we figured the team’s existence was redundant. Going forward, none of our models will be outfitted with brakes. Instead, we will shift our efforts to making fart noises louder.” At press time, Tesla staffers responsible for wheels were reportedly nervous after receiving an ominous meeting request from HR.

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison.

“Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be permitted to complete their semesters from the New York penitentiary system,” said Columbia University President Minouche Shafik, adding that in light of recent events, all members of the community were encouraged to attend lectures virtually from the comfort of their dark, windowless, 6-by-8-foot cell.

“While we wish we could continue in-person learning, the best way to keep our university safe is to allow students, faculty, and staff to complete the last few weeks of the school from behind bars.

Also, should students need, they will be permitted to accept their diplomas virtually, regardless of whether they are in the back of a police van, at Rikers Island, or in solitary confinement somewhere off the grid.”

At press time, Shafik added that any student who had been beaten to death could, if need be, also complete classes from their morgue.

FRESNO, CA – Across the United States young people who will turn eighteen by November 5 are expressing their excitement at being able to vote in the last presidential election of their lifetimes.

“Voting is an amazing right for all adult Americans,” said Ashley Connor. “In November I will walk proudly into the voting booth to cast my ballot. And then later I will see that right stripped away sometime before 2028, just like my rights over my own womb were removed in 2022.”

“I wasn’t there when democracy started in 1788,” noted Kyle Janowitz, a teenager with a keen understanding of his place in history. “Or when democracy started again in 1920 when women were allowed to vote. Or when democracy started again in 1965 when all black people were allowed to vote. But I know I will be there when democracy ends shortly after January 20th, 2025, and that’s sort of cool.”

Another aspect of history fuels the excitement of Tenisha Jones, who said: “Sometimes presidential elections are referendums on the country. Like, 1860 was about slave states seceding from the union. 1932 was about the socialist policies of the New Deal. And the 2024 election is about whether a rapist conman will go to prison or become president for life. That’s a real cliffhanger!”

“Of course, in a democratic referendum, every vote counts. But since I live in California, my vote is practically worthless. Meanwhile some angry guy in Wisconsin could be the tipping point for a future where anyone labelled ‘woke’ will be hauled into a gulag.”

She wiped away a tear as she said, “Goodbye American democracy. You were the dumbest version in the world.”

At press time, a spokesperson for Trump has dismissed the idea that elections will disappear. In fact, super early exit polls for 2028 have Ivanka Trump in a commanding lead with 99% of the vote.