The Onion

Another old one

One of my favorites from awhile back

LOS ANGELES—With space and time ceasing to exist amid the actor’s cries of “Too old! Too old! They’re all too old,” Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly tore apart the fabric of the universe Friday when he attempted to have sex with a girl who had not yet been born. “My desires will at long last be fulfilled when I’m sleeping with a girl so young she can’t even exist in this physical dimension!” the 49-year-old Academy Award winner was overheard saying moments before the collapse of the entire cosmos, when he is believed to have used a particle accelerator to atomize and reconstitute his penis at an infinite number of points throughout the multiverse. “There she is—in the year 2092! She’s younger than anyone I’ve ever seen… Now, to penetrate the quantum singularity!” At press time, sources confirmed the being of pure light that once called itself Leonardo DiCaprio was left disappointed by sex with the yet-to-exist girl whom he still believed was too old.

link: https://www.theonion.com/leonardo-dicaprio-tears-fabric-of-universe-apart-attemp-1851066625

Winter is a magical time of year, but the best part of the season is the fact you can wear so many layers of clothes nobody can tell you stink to high heaven. Showering is for the birds anyway, who needs water and soap anyway? Unfortunately, sometimes people are repulsed by the stink of festering body odor. We ranked winter activities by how likely they would be to hide the fact you are a rat person who hates personal grooming.

read more: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/winter-activities-ranked-by-how-well-you-can-hide-the-fact-that-you-havent-showered-in-a-week/

link: https://www.theonion.com/weird-roommate-binge-eats-entire-bunch-of-bananas-1851075614

DUBAI — Attendees of the COP28 Climate Summit set aside the solutions to impending climate catastrophe after being dazzled by the inclusion of an ostentatious crude oil fountain in the dining hall, event coordinators have reported.

“I understand that we’re here to figure out how humanity will stave off the coming climate apocalypse, but I’ll be damned if that oil fountain isn’t the coolest shit I’ve seen in a long time. It even does the thing where it spurts out to project images of objects. Absolutely blew my tits off,” said English ambassador Roger Cummings. “I can’t believe I was concerned with the summit being spearheaded by the CEO of the largest oil company in the Middle East! Between the fountain and the indoor go kart track tournament tonight, I think we can put the fate of humanity aside to enjoy ourselves for a bit.”

The host of COP28, CEO of Abu Dhabi National Oil Company Dr. Sultan al-Jaber, said the fountain was the centerpiece of the entire event.

“We are committed to taking on the challenges of climate change, but this is Dubai and in this city we love two things: flashy opulence and black gold. This fountain is connected to a well we drilled under the event center, and metaphorically into the minds and wallets of politicians who want to cut into our profit margins just to buy the Earth a few more years of being hospitable,” said al-Jaber. “Look how they gawk at it! They don’t even care that this summit is a farce, they just want selfies with a glorified lawn decoration. Though this is nothing compared to the one in my underground doomsday bunker.”

Event planners for the summit who cater to the wealthy and powerful noted that the fountain and other gaudy distractions usually drive ulterior motives.

“Whenever some rabble-rousers begin to challenge the machinations that keep them poor and sick, they naturally turn to their elected representatives to resolve the issue. So then it falls on me to throw lavish parties hosted by industry leaders and lobbyists to ensure nothing changes even if it’s an event that looks good for the papers,” said Elias Downey. “The fountain was easy, but you should’ve seen the strings we pulled to prevent Nancy Pelosi blocking members of Congress from trading stocks. It’s not easy to procure a golden unicorn that shoots money out of its horn!”

As of press time, summit organizers unveiled a dunk tank where attendees could sink a climate activist into an oil drum.

link: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/climate-conference-attendees-dazzled-by-crude-oil-fountain-in-dining-hall/

A few days ago, YouTuber Hbomberguy released the video “Plagiarism and You(Tube).” It’s an insightful look at the current state of the creator economy, and how so much content these days is stolen. Or at least, that’s what I assume it’s about. That thing is 4 hours long! Why would I watch that when my whole gaming backlog is right there? Here’s 20 indie games that may or may not be in your own backlog, all of which you could beat in the time it takes you to watch that new Hbomberguy video.

read more: https://hard-drive.net/hd/list/20-indie-games-that-you-could-beat-in-the-time-it-would-take-you-to-watch-that-hbomberguy-video/

link: https://reductress.com/post/password-expiration-policy-forces-woman-to-change-dogs-name-every-60-days/

PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is currently being trailed by someone who means them harm,” said study coauthor Dr. Howard Friesch, who was pleased to announce that the findings confirmed the researchers’ long-held theory that no one is safe. “They could be a casual acquaintance, a jilted lover, or even a stranger, someone you’ve only ever made eye contact with once who has now decided you must be destroyed. They could be teaming up to take you down together, or all be competing to be the one to get to you first. There is one guy plotting to kill everyone, so that ups the average a bit.” At press time, Dr. Friesch suggested Americans live off the grid in the desert where they can see if someone is coming from miles away.

link: https://www.theonion.com/study-average-american-has-at-least-3-people-plotting-1851066563