The Onion

Excited about this one. Lent debuff hit me hard this year.

https://ghostarchive.org/archive/IrtoE

After Nike released a new England kit featuring a St George’s cross in a colour other than red, Simon Williams was quick to take to social media screaming “Go Woke go broke!” without noticing that he hasn’t been rewarded financially for his life as a serial bigot.

Sources claim that Williams, variously a bit racist and misogynistic with frequent outbursts of homophobia, is often broke despite being a thousand miles from being considered ‘woke’.

Not the Onion, but still great satire.

In this article, The Onion brings you testimonials from various Boeing staff at all levels of operation.

OTTAWA – Right wing pundit and columnist Hank Vrinden has entered into the increasingly heated conversation among conservative activists and commentators about the breakdown of traditional family values, in a recent column decrying the rising divorce rate in his house.

“Marriage is the bedrock of society,” Vrinden wrote, “but despite all this, a staggering 50% of the people I live with are deciding to initiate marital separation.”

Snippet:

CALGARY – Local man Peter Johnson claims he was rejected from a job he applied for because he has a dick, when sources confirm that he is, in fact, simply a dick.

“They’re discriminating against me for being a man,” says complainant Peter Johnson, high-fiving several cops as he walked down the street carrying an open beer and cat-calling multiple women. “As we all know, the most discriminated against people on the planet are cishet white men. Google it, but only look at the results from 4chan.”