The Onion

Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.

“I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery.

Fucking gold.

The title is the first punch but this line is the KO.

I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War.

I would give this better than even odds of working.

Classic onion

This one is really good lol

Is this the best onion headline title ever?

That's it, I'm making the "The Onion headlines that go hard" community.

Too soon onion, too soon.

We’ve come to the logical conclusion that the only way to get government funding is to commit war crimes ourselves.

..Said Biden. “I’m going to send an extra billion dollars over there to motivate more people to join these brave teachers. Go to Israel and see what the American government can really do. And let’s not forget they won’t have to pay for healthcare over there thanks to our taxpayer dollars.”

Also they'll be able to call the local riot police whenever they need to remove any student from their classroom by claiming they're being disruptive.