traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.
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Matrix Group Chat:
Suggested Matrix Client: Cinny
https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
WEBRINGS:
Transmasculine Pride Ring
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'tism shit, substance use
I can't believe how relatable your post is. I keep falling back into cycles of trying to do more for myself, feel incredibly overwhelmed, envious of others who find it much easier, which makes me more overwhelmed, which then makes me feel even more disabled compared to those around me, which makes me even more envious and on and on until I meltdown.Just had a meltdown again a couple of days ago because I spent a bit too much time (a few hours) on the bus in a single day, and the noise and the lights were too much I guess. Literally hitting my head a lot, hurting myself by hitting walls, crying, brain-full-of-bees sensation for hours, completely thought terminating state of being. I guess the fact that I've been able to cobble together some abstract thoughts about sexuality a couple days after while high as shit is... something... But in general, now I'm trying to give myself some time to recover, since my head and hands still hurt and I'm just trying to do my best to not have a repeat meltdown, which means trying my best to not think about these things too much in fear of going down another spiral ending in a meltdown. And the cycle repeats - my ADHD is driving me mad with angst for stimulation, while I try to "rest" because my autism is still reeling from the last time I attempted to that.
I don't know how this ends... I don't know how to be a functioning human being, for the sake of my own humanity and for the sake of all those desperately in need, who I desperately wish to give every spare drop of my life essence to.
^AAAAAAAAAAAA^ ^indeed^
sending you lots and lots of love
Thanks
Sorry for the late reply, I was up till like 5am
'tism/drugs/sobriety/addiction
I've been increasingly aware lately that I feel like a lot of the substance issues I've had over my life were unconsciously attempts at self medding to mask betterWhen I was a teen, it was heavy caffeine and nicotine use as uppers to try to force myself to have energy because I was severely depressed
Then it was booze in my late teens/twenties to numb myself and lower my inhibitions enough to have some amount of a social life and cope with feeling grotesque and magnetically repelled by existing in public
Now it's kratom as a pseudo-opiate to mellow out my panicky impulses and general anxiety
I'm in a better place than I used to be and healthier being dry, but I really think part of my neurodivergence is having Addict Brain even when I'm clean, and part of me needs some external chemical help to function at a basic level and I don't really know what to do about that or how to contextualize that
Like, conceptually I'd like to be Normal and straight edge if I could, but at the same time it's like, "well if you can't make the hormones you need to work right internally, store bought is fine too, right? Why not neuroactive chemicals too?" idk
Fwiw, I'm doing better today and have been better overall with no booze and kratom instead of my old Rx for anxiety meds that didn't interact great with me, it's just still really rough sometimes