this post was submitted on 14 Oct 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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(i ripped this off wikipedia real fast so sorry if it's lib)
In October 1776, the Public Universal Friend contracted an epidemic disease and was bedridden and near death with a high fever. Their family summoned a doctor from Attleboro, six miles away, and neighbors kept up a death-watch at night. The fever broke after several days. The Friend later reported that [deadname redacted] had died, receiving revelations from God through two archangels who proclaimed there was "Room, Room, Room, in the many Mansions of eternal glory for Thee and for everyone". The Friend further said that [deadname redacted]'s soul had ascended to heaven and the body had been reanimated with a new spirit charged by God with preaching his word, that of the "Publick Universal Friend", describing that name in the words of Isaiah 62:2 as "a new name which the mouth of the Lord hath named".
From that time on, the Friend refused to answer to their deadname, ignoring or chastising those who insisted on using it. When visitors asked if it was the name of the person they were addressing, the Friend simply quoted Luke 23:3 ("thou sayest it"). Identifying as neither male nor female, the Friend asked not to be referred to with gendered pronouns. Followers respected these wishes; they referred only to "the Public Universal Friend" or short forms such as "the Friend" or "P.U.F.", and many avoided gender-specific pronouns even in private diaries. When someone asked if the Friend was male or female, the preacher replied "I am that I am", saying the same thing to a man who criticized the Friend's manner of dress (adding, in the latter case, "there is nothing indecent or improper in my dress or appearance; I am not accountable to mortals").
editorial note: I think this is a very cool story and I really love hearing it. We've been around forever and we've been doing variations of this forever. It's really beautiful
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::: spoiler mental health meltdown, spectrum brain shit, trans shit, dysphoria, alcohol cessation, drugs
I think I overloaded and short circuited something in my weird brain from stepping too far out of my comfort zone
I got extremely sad and overwhelmed by realizing how acutely difficult it is for me to try and Have Fun and Be Normal and big crowds and noise make me really existentially weird and maudlin about how being surrounded by happy normal people make me viscerally feel Alone and mentally beat the shit out of myself for not already being in a better place in my life overall
Saw a trans woman there and I know it's bad to assume things about strangers but something about seeing how much of a Normal Woman(Trans) she seemed like made me extremely self conscious and feel incredibly grotesque and meltdown internally with "oh god why did I stay in denial so long, why didn't I come out in my teens and transition young, I'm doomed, etc" thoughts
I got home late and really wanted to buy booze and fall off the wagon and get blackout drunk but willed myself out of it and took a bunch of kratom and can't sleep and feel kinda sick and just totally burned out
Sorry for being like this and also sorry for apologizing for not being okay lmao
the trans
I honestly have no idea how normal people perceived me and usually would prefer for them not to
dysphoria, misgendering, family shit
I know I probably look closer to Zizek than I'd like to ideallyI mean I am clean shaven and less disheveled looking generally but still
I can never tell why I get quizzical glances from people in public? Is it that I'm anxious and socially awkward looking and they're concerned for me? Is it that I'm malefailing in boymode kinda and my tits are kinda visible under my hoodie and it looks weird on someone of my height/build? Is it that I look like a really big butch bitch without any makeup or femme signifiers? Fuck if I know, but I know my brain will screech at itself the entire time trying to figure that out unsuccessfully
My cool(ish) queer relative I went with is sweet and supportive overall but I still get a mix of name/deadname and a random D3 roll on pronouns of he/they/she and it's maddening sometimes
It's like they're just humoring me out of pity or going along with it when they get it right and it's like a kindness they get to graciously bestow upon me sometimes when they bother to remember, and when they don't it's "well I've known you as (deadname) since you were a baby!"
I've been out to you for like half a fucking decade
I'm sure they (cis) and their also queer spouse (cis) wouldn't like if I misgendered them offhandedly randomly either or called them by a masculine version of their names
I'm so sick of feeling like a basic fundamental part of my identity is like a fun little quirk that's fine to fuck up and it's not a big deal to some of the only family that I'm out to and is 'supportive'
(Part of it is that they're boomers, and part of it is that they're libs, but they love being One Of The Good Ones and it can be exhausting not blowing up on them and alienating myself from some of the only IRL support I have)
oh no
Oh god oh fuck, uh I just try not to worry about it, if I am feeling nice I smile, if I am feeling confrontational I stare. There's no knowing how or why people stare, but I don't think most people (or maybe anyone) stare with that intent, Idk. Fuckin people...
Big "ish", like I know I have this baseball bat but I just want to talk to 'em...
I hate this too, I fought people over shit like this. You deserve better treatment and more respect than that at the least.
lmao libshit/Isntreal-Palestine
Lmao I was giving her directions driving and one of them was "past the place with the fuckin' 🇮🇱 flag" and she was like "well there's nothing wrong with a flag" and I compared it to the Third Reich's flag (her wife is German) and she was like(she's usually motormouthed and chatting almost constantly)
She has "rules based international order" "humanitarian liberal interventionist"
and still has positive views of 
and 
and thinks 
is 
and 
is 
or whatever
ULYSSEST TYPE POST ALERT, EMOTE CITY
Glad you said this, absolutely based. Soak in that silence.
went a bit overboard with the emotes lol sorry but I was kinda On One
'tism shit, substance use
I can't believe how relatable your post is. I keep falling back into cycles of trying to do more for myself, feel incredibly overwhelmed, envious of others who find it much easier, which makes me more overwhelmed, which then makes me feel even more disabled compared to those around me, which makes me even more envious and on and on until I meltdown.Just had a meltdown again a couple of days ago because I spent a bit too much time (a few hours) on the bus in a single day, and the noise and the lights were too much I guess. Literally hitting my head a lot, hurting myself by hitting walls, crying, brain-full-of-bees sensation for hours, completely thought terminating state of being. I guess the fact that I've been able to cobble together some abstract thoughts about sexuality a couple days after while high as shit is... something... But in general, now I'm trying to give myself some time to recover, since my head and hands still hurt and I'm just trying to do my best to not have a repeat meltdown, which means trying my best to not think about these things too much in fear of going down another spiral ending in a meltdown. And the cycle repeats - my ADHD is driving me mad with angst for stimulation, while I try to "rest" because my autism is still reeling from the last time I attempted to that.
I don't know how this ends... I don't know how to be a functioning human being, for the sake of my own humanity and for the sake of all those desperately in need, who I desperately wish to give every spare drop of my life essence to.
sending you lots and lots of love
Thanks
Sorry for the late reply, I was up till like 5am
'tism/drugs/sobriety/addiction
I've been increasingly aware lately that I feel like a lot of the substance issues I've had over my life were unconsciously attempts at self medding to mask betterWhen I was a teen, it was heavy caffeine and nicotine use as uppers to try to force myself to have energy because I was severely depressed
Then it was booze in my late teens/twenties to numb myself and lower my inhibitions enough to have some amount of a social life and cope with feeling grotesque and magnetically repelled by existing in public
Now it's kratom as a pseudo-opiate to mellow out my panicky impulses and general anxiety
I'm in a better place than I used to be and healthier being dry, but I really think part of my neurodivergence is having Addict Brain even when I'm clean, and part of me needs some external chemical help to function at a basic level and I don't really know what to do about that or how to contextualize that
Like, conceptually I'd like to be Normal and straight edge if I could, but at the same time it's like, "well if you can't make the hormones you need to work right internally, store bought is fine too, right? Why not neuroactive chemicals too?" idk
Fwiw, I'm doing better today and have been better overall with no booze and kratom instead of my old Rx for anxiety meds that didn't interact great with me, it's just still really rough sometimes