Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
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some thoughts on emotional repression, CW long post, childhood shit, some unkind things I've been called, references to homophobia, being misunderstood
been a while since I posted a proper thing here, been busy figuring some stuff out, tbh.Anyway, so I was in a therapy appointment this past week and Cool Therapist noticed that when I talk about people or even when she says the names of my friends that I have extremely complicated feelings. Happiness - but then conflict, suppression, trying to stay neutral.
I've been mulling this over for a few days now, and I think I finally know what's going on here. I've always felt strong emotions about any person I am in contact with. I'm prone to mimicking and effusiveness, which since I was very young has been both considered "pathetic" or "clingy" and/or misinterpreted as romantic intent and I was bullied quite a bit for it.
But this morning I think I finally understand - I feel lonely because this is a form of masking that I've internalized. I got kinda fed up with myself this week and just decided that I'm sick of apologizing (to myself/to others) for the depth and kinds of feelings that I feel for people, and I did some reading on a-spec. I am grateful to the friends who heard me out on all of this stuff as I was trying to find language etc. even if it was quite intense and even upsetting for me at times due to the baggage I carry.
I discovered the Split Attraction Model. I discovered several different categories of attraction. I discovered the phrase "action is not attraction." Following is a snippet from my notes about different types of attraction in case anyone is curious (I took these from a couple of Youtube videos that I really liked, I can link his videos if anyone is interested in exploring deeper):
Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that now I'm aware that I've been hiding strong feelings from some people in my life, especially a friend that I've known for over a decade. So, last night, I told her that I was really grateful to be spending time with her. It was a small gesture, but suddenly I feel like for once in a long time, the intensity and pressure that is always building up inside me was finally expressed in the right way.
And the relationship cop in my head telling me that I'm feeling too much and that's wrong (the one that really likes terms like "outsized emotions" and "fixation"), well ... it is quiet (for now, at least, I am certain that this will not be my last battle with it).
This probably seems really silly and minor to a reader, but the hard part that I've struggled with has been being able to express these emotions without them being misconstrued or having people be grossed out. The pressure builds up inside me because I internalized so much of other people's insecurities from a young age (whether it's being called gay (in a derogatory fashion), or accused of having a crush, or being called "creepy/clingy/pathetic," fuck heteronormativity etc.) that it creates so much conflict in me even just trying to have social connections that I felt trapped and lonely even by my deepest relationships because I simply cannot express myself honestly. In addition, because the feelings build up, they end up becoming stronger and stronger as well.
Today, I want to be free from all of that, and let myself actually be seen by not just my partner, not just my closest friends, but by everyone I trust. I am still working on being able to express upset/anger/etc. emotions to people, but expressing positive seemed like the easier of the two so I started there lol.
Its sad how little this is talked about outside a-spec spaces. People do seem to at least differentiate between sexual and romantic attraction somewhat (just look at the game fuck, marry, kill as a pretty explicit example; granted, romantic attraction often seems to be thought of as something like sexual attraction + platonic attraction mixed together rather than romantic and sexual attraction being two independent things).
Categorizing feelings is still difficult, especially if you are not sure you've experienced one of the types.
Congrats on your progress!
Yes, I've had that silly game in my mind a bit too as a normative example of split attraction in a sense. And I agree being unsure about experiencing one of the types is a big thing, lol