this post was submitted on 27 Nov 2024
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menby
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A space for masculine folks to talk about living under patriarchy.
Detoxing masculinity since 1990!
You don’t get points for feminism, feminism is expected.
Guidelines:
- Questions over blame
- Humility over pride
- Wisdom over dogma
- Actions over image
Rules (expansions on the guidelines):
- Mistakes should be learning experiences when possible.
- Do not attack comrades displaying vulnerability for what they acknowledge are mistakes.
- If you see good-faith behavior that's toxic, do your best to explain why it's toxic.
- If you don't have the energy to engage, report and move on.
- This includes past mistakes. If you've overcome extreme reactionary behavior, we'd love to know how.
- A widened range of acceptable discussion means a greater need for sensitivity and patience for your comrades.
- Examples:
- "This is reactionary. Here's why."
- "I know that {reality}, but I feel like {toxicity}"
- "I don't understand why this is reactionary, but it feels like it {spoilered details}"
- You are not entitled to the emotional labor of others.
- Constantly info-dumping and letting us sort through your psyche is not healthy for any of us.
- If you feel a criticism of you is unfair, do not lash out.
- If you can't engage self-critically, delete your post.
- If you don't know how to phrase why it's unfair, say so.
- No singular masculine ideal.
- This includes promoting gender-neutral traits like "courage" or "integrity" as "manly".
- Suggestions for an individual to replace a toxic ideal is fine.
- Don't reinforce the idea the fulfillment requires masculinity.
- This also includes tendency struggle-sessions.
- No lifestyle content.
- Post the picture of your new grill in !food (feminine people like grills too smh my head).
- Post the picture of the fish you caught in !sports (feminine people like fish too smdh my damn head).
- At best, stuff like this is off-topic. At worst, it's reinforcing genders norms..
- If you're not trying to be seen as masculine for your lifestyle content, it's irrelevant to this comm. If you are trying to be seen as masculine, let's have a discussion about why these things are seen as masculine.
Resources:
*The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks
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"The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by bell hooks BOOK CLUB - Preface and Chapter 1 Discussion
(hexbear.net)
Hello comrades, it's time for our first discussion thread for The Will to Change! Please share your thoughts below on the first two sections of the book. There's quite a lot to talk about between hooks' discussion of masculinity discourse within feminist circles, the ways both men and women uphold patriarchy, and the near universal experience of men being forced to suppress their rich emotional worlds from a young age. I'll be posting my thoughts in a little bit after I'm done with work.
If you haven't read the book yet but would like to, its available free on the Internet Archive in text form, as well as an audiobook on Youtube with content warnings at the start of each chapter, courtesy of the Anarchist Audio Library, and as an audiobook on our very own TankieTube! (note: the YT version is missing the Preface but the Tankietube version has it) Let me know if you'd like to be added to the ping list!
Our next discussion will be on Chapters 2 (Understanding Patriarchy) and 3 (Being a Boy), beginning on 12/4.
Thanks to everyone who is or will be participating, I'm really looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts! 
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Gonna post my thoughts once I get home and have the time and room to type it up. But just wanted to say I appreciate this book club. This is my first time reading this book and I really like it so far. Feels like a good point to start from.
Ok so some thoughts.
I think its really important that Hooks started the book talking about her relationship with her father. For many one of the first ways they get conditioned to fit within the patriarchal system is through their experiences with their parents and in particular their relationship with their fathers.
A lot of what I read in the preface and Ch. 1 resonated with me because my relationship with my father was similar. Not to the extent that Bell describes, but in so far as a lack of affection and other emotions from my dad throughout my childhood. I actually had a conversation with my mom where we spoke about it recently and its interesting to see how Hooks speaks about such cases within the context of feminism.
I also feel like I often experience this fear of men and even see how it can be something that affects others. The men that I currently interact with the most sometimes approach opening up about their emotions, but never really seem able to. Similarly I find I cut myself off whenever I start to express myself because anytime I do touch on the matter of my emotions it doesn't really go through. Going back to how many men grow up we're often told "boys don't cry" and similar things and its so damaging to us and those around us who identify as women because it just makes it so difficult to communicate effectively.
Also found it interesting how Hooks often talks about how other feminists' hatred of men and how it isn't always helpful in building a future where women are seen as equals. I often overhear my co-workers watching "feminist v. men" videos and its annoying how hearing how combative the people involved in these videos are. No one is really growing, they're just helping propagate the status quo.