this post was submitted on 07 Dec 2024
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In a moment of vulnerability, I expressed my feelings of weakness, frustration, and just general helplessness in regard to mental issues, financial issues, and a few other things that I can't quite remember because the response was so strange. I was talking to a partner, and I don't really remember what spurred it, but I kinda broke down a little bit and just expressed how things weren't really going well for me.
She was quiet for a few seconds and just looked at me, with what looked like a feeling of disgust, and said something along the lines of, "Men aren't supposed to act like this." So, since then, I've kept a lot of my emotions in check and withdrawn a lot. I don't do it intentionally, but that wasn't the response I expected, especially since I had consoled them many times without complaint or judgement because that's what you're supposed to do.
Another example is with an ex that accused me of being gay because I didn't want to have sex 24/7. Sometimes I think I'm maybe aromantic or asexual, or maybe just haven't found someone I'm really compatible with sexually.
I engage with a lot of "traditional" masculine hobbies like boxing, weightlifting, etc, and even though I still feel comfortable adhering to certain traits or roles considered masculine, I guess this is why I sometimes don't feel comfortable with the label of cis. Like, I used to have people say "you're the gayest straight man I've ever met." Which is weird cause I'm a big bald dude with tattoos and a beard but having interests outside of the traditional gender norms is weird for some folks I guess.
Oh jesus, that'd become an ex immediately right there if it were me; you have my sincerest condolences my guy.
I'm gonna recommend you stop dating cishet women. I'm seeing a lot of heteronormative brainworms in the women you've described that are causing you distress. There's nothing wrong with you. There are plenty of people who don't just want to fuck all the time. Queer people will not treat you like this.
Some queer people will, speaking from experience.
Yeah, not everyone's great but my queer dating experiences have been majority positive, even if we don't end up working out. People are generally much more open and vulnerable than cishets
For sure
In my experience, if you allow yourself to be vulnerable (really vulnerable, not the kind of vulnerable where you just shed a single tear while watching Old Yeller) with a woman, it usually marks the end of the relationship. It won't happen immediately, but she'll become disgusted that you're not holding up your end of the gender role bargain, and things start to fall apart.
Obviously not all women are like this, and I don't want to come across like an incel screeching about females, but I've had a couple of relationships fail after a moment of "weakness," even if I thought my partner was progressive about heteronormativity. I think this is one of the nasty ways that the patriarchy programs women in particular and is yet another example of why it harms us all.
Yeah I had a partner who would complain I never told her anything, and when I did she would complain that there "was no room for her." She would also make fun of men not sharing their feelings. Or the way they shared them. When I told my best friend I had a depression he made me feel better. We were making jokes about it after 10 minutes. Was it how women would handle it? Probably not. She told me I was bad at talking about that kinda stuff, but whenever I talked to her about my issues, I felt like shit too. I just figured we had different methods of talking about it, her method was probably great for her girlfriends. I didn't tell her she was terrible at it though, because why would I?
That sucks. I think I might be able to relate. I dated someone who was clinically depressed. Takes a lot to be a partner for that kind of person, a lot of patience a lot of understanding. She could break down over any issue, because that's what depression does. Makes any issue difficult, so difficult you might just break down. And I was there for it.
My foot is fucked, and that has kept me from doing elite sports. I can't put a lot of weight on it for a long time. I thought it had finally healed and her and I went out for some bouldering. Then my foot started hurting. I cried. I couldn't take it anymore - She was having a Good Day, I thought I was healed, we both wanted to go out, we both had the energy and the will to do stuff, we both wanted to be active, we both had an activity we loved. But I couldn't and the only obstacle was something I had no way of doing anything about and it was just the result of me being born weird. I couldn't take it so I told her "it just feels so unfair, I just really want to climb" and I cried.
She told me "just get over it."
Later on, before we broke up she would complain that I never told her anything. Whenever I did, she'd tell me "there was no space for her."