askchapo

22821 readers

173 users here now

Ask Hexbear is the place to ask and answer ~~thought-provoking~~ questions.

Rules:

Posts must ask a question.
If the question asked is serious, answer seriously.
Questions where you want to learn more about socialism are allowed, but questions in bad faith are not.
Try !feedback@hexbear.net if you're having questions about regarding moderation, site policy, the site itself, development, volunteering or the mod team.

founded 4 years ago

MODERATORS

PorkrollPosadist@hexbear.net

replaceable@hexbear.net

VILenin@hexbear.net

EmmaGoldman@hexbear.net

SexUnderSocialism@hexbear.net

ZoomeristLeninist@hexbear.net

khizuo@hexbear.net

Sulvor@hexbear.net

102

Cishet dudes of Hexbear: Do feel that certain gender or sexuality norms are harmful to you personally? If so, what are they and how would you say they affect you? (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by Carcharodonna@hexbear.net to c/askchapo@hexbear.net

114 comments fedilink hide all child comments

So, back when I was "still cis tho", there were a lot of aspects of male gender norms that bothered me deeply and of course I totally understand why now. Even though these days I obviously have a clear reason for feeling that way, I'm still curious if cishet men also have issues with how norms or expectations around gender and sexuality impact them in a negative way.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how those norms impact you, whether good or bad.

Also, I should mention that since this is a bit of a sensitive subject we're talking about here, please be thoughtful and sensitive when discussing with others in this thread. Thanks! <3

EDIT: Much thanks for all the great responses here! I know it's a difficult topic of course, so I appreciate you sharing your thoughts/feelings like this.

Speaking of which... I just looked at /c/menby and some of the posts on the front page there are over 2 years old. I see a lot of the discussion here centered around not being able to share feelings and/or not having the spaces or support to do that in. /c/menby seems like the perfect place for that, just sayin'.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] Big_Bob@hexbear.net 46 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

There is a very narrow range of acceptable expression as a cis dude.

I grew up in the norwegian equivalent of the bible belt. Think, small town, less than 10k inhabitants surrounded by endless farmland.

There were only two socially acceptable ways to be a guy. You could be a Car Guy, or you could be a Sports Guy.

Anything else, and you'd automatically be labelled as a [homophobic slur] and become an outcast.

Being a book loving, neurodivergent weeaboo was beyond the pale, so I spent my entire youth as an outcast.

Though life didn't seem better for the other guys trying to squeeze into the only two available moulds you could fit into.

I remember one guy was so neurotically competitive that he absolutely HAD to be the first or number 1 in everything, or else he'd have a mental breakdown.

Even during warmup in PE, he had to be FIRST, when running from one end of the field to the other, and he'd be so exhausted that spittle would fly from his mouth just from having to be the first in everything sports related, no matter how insignificant.

It's no wonder Norwegians are so socially broken. There are so many ways to be a dude, but the only acceptable ways to be one are so restricted and narrow that it's easier to just drop out of society and cling to the same 2-3 people you've known since kindergarten, instead of socialising and interacting with new people.

We men are so insanely varied, naturally curious and seeking. It's almost comical how hard so many men cling to strict patriarchal ideas when most men don't really benefit from it or even live up to the patriarchal ideas.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm drunk and exhausted from nonstop working. I'll hit the pipe and go watch a movie or something.

[–] Bureaucrat@hexbear.net 3 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Growing up out in the country sucked if you didn't like football or cars. I went back recently and it felt like travelling back to the 00's. Absolutely terrible. I would never have kids there. Seeing little boys shy away from drawing because "that's girl stuff" broke my heart.

[–] Big_Bob@hexbear.net 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Oh God, terrible childhood memory unlocked.

I was sitting at my desk and doodling while waiting for the next lesson to start and I drew this guy with a dinosaur head, playing a guitar that was also on fire. Shit was so cash.

Suddenly, a classmate grabbed my drawing, held it up and yelled "haahaa look at what big_bob is drawing!" And people would point and laugh.

I was already an outcast for mentioning that I found football boring, but after the drawing incident, people actively avoided me. I changed schools shortly after.

I fucking hate norwegian society.

[–] Bureaucrat@hexbear.net 2 points 2 weeks ago

:yea:
I worked with kids and the adults suck too. They'd separate boys and girls all the time. It was always a woman working in arts and crafts, always a man in sports. Whenever kids had social problems we'd ignore it (if it was a boy) or have a girls meeting (only girls, they talk it out, at 7 years old). The adults would invite kids to join their activities and it was always girls to arts and crafts, boys to sports. Terrible. I remember a few boys, kids I guess they don't have a gender at that age, who obiously hated all the sports shit and were just starving for something creative. Likewise with girls and sports. I did so much to shake that shit up, made hockey leagues where they played across genders (girls beat the shit out of boys, because they'll do that at age 7) and arranged masc-coded arts and crafts things - Campfire tales where they could draw the monsters I was talking about, competitions about making "the biggest drawing", folding paper planes and then painting them "cool". I tried to make them comfortable as well as I could within the system I was stuck in. It was tough.