today I woke up crying because I was broke i hustle hard in multiple ways trying to make side income, work a job paying 12/h, do food deliveries on a bicycle and even with relative success I'm still broke and struggling to scale. i feel i am weak for crying. because i take insane risks sometimes without getting rewarded. it makes me feel removed and like i get everything wrong. like i was blessed with a lot of opportunities but is too dumb to take advantage of them and really make the money. i feel like a complete failure and loser, struggling to balance chasing the money/survival with my academics.
a lot of the time I just can't find the motivation in myself to do certain things and end up cheating my way in with drugs, this makes me feel even more like a failure. i am diagnosed with ADHD along with anxiety and depression but stimulants are so expensive that I just use caffeine pills. i have been relying on caffeine to stop being a bitch for a long time infact since I was a kid. I would not have graduated high school if it was not for caffeine. how can I become stronger in the face of pressure/failure/wasted risks? instead of crying like a bitch in the morning. How can I be a more resilient person and a more motivated and driven person? and how can I become more intelligent to be able to balance academics with survival better? how can I stop relying on drugs to have this drive/energy in my brain, instead of that "oh no I can't be arsed" pain felt from brain to eyes?
What I've noticed about this post is you're being quite hard on yourself for some things that are extremely normal. Crying is good, actually. It is great stress relief, especially as a release valve for what is objectively a stressful work schedule that you described. And almost everybody cries at some point. It is healthy to cry when your emotions overflow.
I also am seeing a lot of shame for having ADHD symptoms when it's really something that is not in your control. You also don't have access to the (ideal) medicine that would help you work through it and are having to self medicate with less ideal solutions. That doesn't make you weak. If anything, you sound like an extremely strong person that is just being pushed too hard by a terrible situation.
Please, try to (gently) stop shaming yourself (and don't shame yourself for having shamed yourself now that I've said this!)
I also have a PDF from Pete Walker's website that may help. Link here: https://pete-walker.com/pdf/14_common_inner_critic_attacks.pdf
And I will copy the text in a reply to this comment if you don't want to download.
Dr. Pete Walker is a trauma therapist, but the inner critic attacks he lists and the responses he suggests for common ones could be helpful to other, non traumatized people also (if that's not you). But let's be real, unless you're really lucky, you're not getting out of childhood without some trauma if you have ADHD.
Your mileage may vary, but this stuff was helpful to me when I found it! I am not a doctor nor am I trying to "diagnose" anything.
Typical attacks from the inner critic
My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain support in my neglectful family. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.
I reject extreme or over-generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative event does not mean I am stuck in a never- ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me in “always” or “never” are rarely true.
3. self-hate / Self-disgust / toxic shame
I commit to loving myself. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I transfer back the shame and disgust to the person who is judging me for my normal emotions of anger, fear and sadness.
I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.
4. Micromanaging / Worrying / obsessing / over-futurizing
I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage others or myself. I work in a way that is “good enough”. I accept that sometimes, my efforts bring desired results, and sometimes they do not.
Typical attacks from the inner critic
I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. Sometimes, reality is not as it seems. You only see what others want you to see. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.
Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I feel guilty and afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”. If I end up hurting someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I will allow myself to be human.
I will not put unreasonable demands and pressure on myself. I will focus on what I really want to do and what is important to me.
I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I will balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform all the time.
I will not let the bullies of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to my dysfunctional caretakers onto myself or current people in my life.
While this is all good stuff, point 9 stands out while reading the op. OP, even if you can't bring yourself to stop with the self-hatred (I get it; I am literally the only person in the world who I genuinely, deeply loathe on a personal level, and even in my 40s and with some objectively fairly impressive achievements under my belt, I can't let that go) at least stop calling yourself a "bitch" and other things like that. Not an easy habit to break if it's part of your internal monologue, but I bet it's easier than changing the way you feel about yourself - and at least you won't be telling yourself you're right to feel that way. Which you almost certainly are not, any more than I am. (Which I'm not, even if I can't seem to shake it off!)