today I woke up crying because I was broke i hustle hard in multiple ways trying to make side income, work a job paying 12/h, do food deliveries on a bicycle and even with relative success I'm still broke and struggling to scale. i feel i am weak for crying. because i take insane risks sometimes without getting rewarded. it makes me feel removed and like i get everything wrong. like i was blessed with a lot of opportunities but is too dumb to take advantage of them and really make the money. i feel like a complete failure and loser, struggling to balance chasing the money/survival with my academics.
a lot of the time I just can't find the motivation in myself to do certain things and end up cheating my way in with drugs, this makes me feel even more like a failure. i am diagnosed with ADHD along with anxiety and depression but stimulants are so expensive that I just use caffeine pills. i have been relying on caffeine to stop being a bitch for a long time infact since I was a kid. I would not have graduated high school if it was not for caffeine. how can I become stronger in the face of pressure/failure/wasted risks? instead of crying like a bitch in the morning. How can I be a more resilient person and a more motivated and driven person? and how can I become more intelligent to be able to balance academics with survival better? how can I stop relying on drugs to have this drive/energy in my brain, instead of that "oh no I can't be arsed" pain felt from brain to eyes?
Typical attacks from the inner critic
My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain support in my neglectful family. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.
I reject extreme or over-generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative event does not mean I am stuck in a never- ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me in “always” or “never” are rarely true.
3. self-hate / Self-disgust / toxic shame
I commit to loving myself. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I transfer back the shame and disgust to the person who is judging me for my normal emotions of anger, fear and sadness.
I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.
4. Micromanaging / Worrying / obsessing / over-futurizing
I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage others or myself. I work in a way that is “good enough”. I accept that sometimes, my efforts bring desired results, and sometimes they do not.
Typical attacks from the inner critic
I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. Sometimes, reality is not as it seems. You only see what others want you to see. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.
Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I feel guilty and afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”. If I end up hurting someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I will allow myself to be human.
I will not put unreasonable demands and pressure on myself. I will focus on what I really want to do and what is important to me.
I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I will balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform all the time.
I will not let the bullies of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to my dysfunctional caretakers onto myself or current people in my life.
While this is all good stuff, point 9 stands out while reading the op. OP, even if you can't bring yourself to stop with the self-hatred (I get it; I am literally the only person in the world who I genuinely, deeply loathe on a personal level, and even in my 40s and with some objectively fairly impressive achievements under my belt, I can't let that go) at least stop calling yourself a "bitch" and other things like that. Not an easy habit to break if it's part of your internal monologue, but I bet it's easier than changing the way you feel about yourself - and at least you won't be telling yourself you're right to feel that way. Which you almost certainly are not, any more than I am. (Which I'm not, even if I can't seem to shake it off!)