this post was submitted on 21 Jan 2024
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People with healthy egos are able to register that someone does not want them as a romantic partner without having a crisis, yes.
I see I've upset some users today. This may seem like stating the obvious but clearly some people here need to hear it:
If you are emotionally devastated by rejection you likely do not have a healthy ego or self-image. This is the confidence part.
Assigning responsibility for fixing your self-image to a potential romantic partner is seeking external validation for an internal problem.
No amount of external validation will fix you. It will only feed the unhealthy expectations you're already acting on.
Confidence is the external display of a healthy self-image (overconfidence is another example of external display of an unhealthy self-image).
Potential partners can sense your desperation for validation and it is not an attractive personality trait. It's basically saying "I need you to do this emotional labor for me because I am not strong enough".
No one wants to do your emotional work for you.
Surely there exists a middle ground between being devastated by rejection and not registering continuous rejection as, perhaps, a sign that the rejectors have a point.
Emotional resilience is great, but if people keep giving you the same feedback maybe they have a point (and you should try changing, rather than brute forcing your way through social interactions, hoping to get lucky).
I'm not saying that you're denying this, so I am jumping over some discussion, but tbf I think we're both doing it.
I don't think this is your intent, but likely the reason people are annoyed by your comments is they come off as "have you tried NOT having emotional trauma?". You might not mean them that way, but that's how they read as an outsider to all this. Whether or not your strategy is a good one, dismissing people's emotional experiences is never going to win anyone over or change minds. If you'd like to help people gain confidence, I would encourage you to meet them where they are, not where you are.
"Trust me bro, you need to be confident bro, just work on yourself bro"
Always said by the 9/10 fit guy who never struggled with relationships. Same energy as "just stop being poor".