• I feel like I'm not married to the term "man", certainly not as much as a lot of men seem to be. Yet, when I see things online attacking "men" in general in a way that I see as being a little bit unfair, it's hard not to internalize that. So, for example, a recent meme about men being more dangerous than bears. It's not that I don't understand the reasoning behind it or that I'm "offended" by it exactly. But it's hard not to be a little sad at the fact that, insofar as I am perceived as male, I am by default perceived as an unlovable and dangerous subhuman monster. I could take this as evidence that I don't want to be a man and that I should transition, but is "not wanting to be a man" enough to pull the trigger on a medical transition? It feels like I should be running TOWARDS something I want, not just AWAY from something I hate.

• There are a lot of boxes on the "Incel" checklist that describe me, e.g. loneliness, lack of deep friendships or romantic partnerships, spending far too much time on the internet. When I read advice for guys in this kind of situation, it tends to be very similar, obvious-but-annoying-and-difficult things, e.g. taking care of your health, introspection, journaling, meditation, finding social hobbies, etc. When I read this lists, I get a bit annoyed and exhausted. And yet, it becomes a bit more bearable if I think of myself as something other than a man, e.g. "Get a hobby" feels like scolding cliche self-help advice, yet "Get a hobby, but trans" feels less bad for some weird unexplainable reason (even if I don't actually do anything different).

• A lot of discussions I can find about trans identity talk, explicitly or implicitly, about how a person feels "inside", e.g. what gender do they feel like they are? I don't know if I feel like anything in particular. When I'm filling out forms and it has the option, I usually answer "nonbinary" or something similar. I was playing an online game where you can customize your appearance, and the default avatar was a featureless, not particularly gendered, cute looking cartoon person. I tried making it look like how I actually look, but then I realized, "Wait, I kind of prefer the featureless androgynous humanoid cartoon -- that's closer to what I actually feel like". If you asked me how I imagine myself inside, the honest and silly answer is that I feel like a "Scrimblo Bimblo"-type genderless cartoon/video game character. I'm not 100% sure if "woman" is the right label for me, but I'm not totally against it either -- it just feels odd. I will say, when I see happy women, either alone or in relationships, I feel a tinge of envy, and that strikes me as a sign that I prefer the idea of being a woman more than the idea of being a man. I keep thinking to myself "I can't transition because I'd be an ugly woman", which I am well aware is a classic thing for trans women to tell themselves before transitioning. The prospect of medically transitioning and still identifying as nonbinary is... frightening, but fear seems like a bad reason not to do it.

At this point, I've been ruminating on this so long that it feels like I'm being annoying and indecisive, like I want you to make the decision for me. I realize that's a silly thing to want (but, like, could you? Because that would be GREAT!) so perhaps the best I can hope for is that writing this is a useful exercise for me.