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this post was submitted on 05 May 2024
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Making friends as an adult
I'm really struggling with this right now. I've joined to some new interest groups, but everyone including myself, seems so guarded, every time I leave feeling like I've failed a barrage of social aptitude tests. I feel like so many adults have baggage that by 40 they're spring loaded to overreact and overthink, they come across as unapproachable. Or maybe I'm awful, which is what keeps kicking around in my head.
You're not awful. It can be very hard, especially if you aren't outgoing by nature. Doubly especially if you don't have an identifiable "thing" for people to know you by.
The best I've done is let people know my interests, and my values, and just generally who I am . People who are on the same sine will gravitate to you, while everyone else will rightfully treat you like a weirdo.
Just the cost of doing business, that.
Thank you for your kind words. Logically I know I am not awful as I have friends and try to act with kindness every day. But when you seem to be the common denominator it can be hard not to think you are the reason. I've read you aren't supposed to talk about yourself a lot, that it can be off putting. I try to use approachable body language, actively listen, remember when someone tells me things about themselves, but I am so in my head with social interactions I know I am coming off real weird, like I was raised in a cave. It'll be ok ; I can always get more dogs to hang out with.
I relate to that. Actually you sound like you're more on the ball then me. I would describe most of my social interactions as going 50% or lower than an imagined ideal, and even when things go perfectly I'm wracked by "cringe attacks" for weeks. But I would still consider myself to me thriving.
Maybe you don't relate to the above, but I think social life is just harder for some of us. If you can keep a conversation going by contributing anecdotes and recalling details about the person, that's incredible! People who can do that seem like superheroes to me.
I'll wade into a social situation but then just be like uhhh what now? I feel proud if I can just remember someone's name, let alone remember to talk about something other than myself.
Anyway I don't feel bad for myself lol. My point is that maybe we do alright. Maybe we're just overthinkers.
Those cringe attacks are so real! But very true, if we are so so mindful of our interactions we can't come off as bad as imagined...