It was so sudden... He wasn't young. He wasn't in great health. But still, seeing this man who I had so much fun with just a week prior lay motionless on the floor was not something I was prepared for, to say the least.
When I got the bad news a couple of days ago, I felt absolutely nothing. And I hated myself for it. When I got there, I had to fake every emotion. Put on a sad face, keep your head down, act like how a normal person would in this situation. Even seeing his dead body didn't make me feel anything. It just felt like another normal day. I kept asking myself: How come the death of someone I love so much doesn't affect me? What's wrong with me? Am I a psychopath?
The next day, while I was going through files on his computer, it all hit me. He really was gone, and he's not coming back. Never again would we laugh together about some dumb movie we watched. Never again would we talk about video games we've been playing. Or shoot random Gravity Falls references at each other. Or argue about Lord of the Rings lore. I lost such an amazing friend, a man who gave so much of his soul to me. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my entire life. It's a relief to know I'm not insane. I could barely finish writing this paragraph because I begun crying again.
One thing I learned is that five stages of grief is not just some pop-psych nonsense, It is completely real. And let me tell you: Bargaining really fucks with you. It's an endless cycle of questions that cannot be answered. What if we met just a bit more frequently? What if I gave him this gift just a couple of days earlier? What if I'd given him a phone call on the day it happened? Is there any set of circumstances that could have saved him? And for how long? And all that blame... How much of it was my fault? All of it? None of it? I have no idea. My brain has turned into a soup of contradicting emotions. All I can do right now is to distract myself so as to not think about it too much.
I guess now I have Depression to look forward to. Awesome. I must get through this.
Don't know why I felt the need to write this on here, but here it is. Thank you for reading.
I felt the same when my grandpa died. At first it just didn't seem right or real. He had brutal lung cancer he got from working in an environment with industrial chemical fumes. So we always knew this was going to be the way he went. And he held on for a long time. I really looked up to my grandpa and loved him. By the time he was elderly he had learned all the mistakes a young man makes, the false allure of pride, the destruction allowing anger to control you causes. He was gentle with animals. He also was a sailor in the pacific during WW2. Saw Japanese planes slam into ships and said the emotion of seeing that was adrenaline mixed with disgust and nausea. He had so many stories like that. He had cool sailor tattoos old men have like anchors and Betty Boop and stuff. He rode motorcycles (he was a Honda guy, funny enough).
Anyways, it also hit me a while later. The finality of it. I just was thinking about him and decided to take a shower because showers can be a good time to process and I just broke down and cried while the warm water flowed over me. Then I was sad for a few weeks. But in many ways I think the best parts of him were instilled with me. The ripples of his legacy carry on outwards even though his stone has sunk below the waters of life.
Your grandpa was an amazing man. My condolences.
I really felt this part. I was just thinking the same thing about my dad. He really gave me his best. Thank you for sharing.